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Looking for ways to calm mum down

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
@Helen10 , you are doing an amazing job. There is no way I would have had my mother live with me and I don't have young children at home or a job to consider. Even if I had considered it my husband would have vetoed the idea. When he was a teenager his parents moved his maternal grandmother in. My husband is still resentful of the fact his parents considered her needs above those of their children, and he's in his sixties.
I agree with @canary, I think it is time to consider a care home that will be able to meet your mother's needs. I know the experience last year with homes was not good, but there are homes out there that will be able to manage.
Have some more hugs {{{{ @Helen10 }}}}}
Oh gosh-lots to think about for me with reference to your partners experience 😢
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,251
0
High Peak
Thanks for your messages. Haven’t had a chance to check all day. Just got called down by dad at 4pm to help with mum as in his words-she isn’t very happy....

came down to find mum with her arms folded she walked into the kitchen and started moving things around. My 7yr old tried to tell her to stop and then mum started shouting at her. Timely to read all of your responses..,,

dad wants to keep her at home for as long as possible. Actually I think perhaps dad is just grateful of a rest and that he’s not dealing with this all on his own.

I could not feel any more guilty right now.

thank you for hugs.
Is this fair to a 7 year old? At that age, she really doesn't have the framework to understand dementia - it must be very frightening for her. Children and 'difficult' dementia do not mix well. Please consider a care home - for all of you.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,555
0
Hi @Helen10, I think it might be worth contacting the support line
0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk and talking through your options. As @Jaded'n'faded said small children and advanced dementia really don't mix.
Do your parents still have their own home and could they return there with support? It sounds like your father is expecting far too much of you.
I'd also contact your mother's social worker and talk through the options.
 
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lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,234
0
I expect you already know all this already @Helen10 but this link might be useful in the meantime:

 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
@Sarasa @Jaded'n'faded @lemonbalm -thanks all for your responses. Sorry for not responding sooner-I’ve been catching up on the work I had missed earlier 🙄. Turns out mum was hungry and wanted to eat early so she had dinner and was much more settled after that.

mum not sure the social worker would sign off on mum and dad going home-even with a care package. We’ve had it before and it just doesn’t work. Mum has always been the dominant one and the organiser. It’s awful to see her dementia manifest itself in her effectively bullying her husband. Dad managed on his own with her for 5 months last year before she was sectioned. I was getting called over several times in the week and was then there all weekend too.

I think a care home will be the solution in the longer term but not the one that is on offer as dad won’t have her there. Other specialist units aren’t local.

I can see it isn’t fair to the kids but it also doesn’t seem far to mum or dad. They have done so much for me, I want to somehow repay that.

I feel like I’ve just joined here and moaned lots though! I’m very sorry for that. Although the warmth and virtual hugs and feeling there are other people out there going through similar things and who care is wonderful! 🤗 Hopefully I can be of support too.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,685
0
Essex
Dear @Helen10,

I wonder if a nursing home would be more suitable or at least a home with admiral nurses.

Hugs (and one for your 7 year old!)

MaNaAk
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
Dear @Helen10,

I wonder if a nursing home would be more suitable or at least a home with admiral nurses.

Hugs (and one for your 7 year old!)

MaNaAk
Thanks @MaNaAk 🤗. That’s the issue-there aren’t any suitable homes in the area. There are 2 that are in theory the right type but they are linked with each other (so effectively the same) and it’s the one mum ended up getting sectioned from last year. In many ways mum is still highly functioning. She can go to the bathroom unaided, I help her in the shower but only because she is bad on her feet. She eats really really slowly these days. I think she has had a rapid decline in last 12 months. She has mixed dementia. Dad wonders if she will last the year. My mums mum had Alzheimer’s and she lived with us when I was a child. She died when I was nearly 11. Mums biggest regret was that she cared for her the whole time until about 6 weeks before she died when she went into a home. Mum says she wished she had managed to keep her home til the end.
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
Lying awake mulling over everyone’s advice. There’s never an easy answer is there....😩
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,221
0
Nottinghamshire
I do know how you feel @Helen10. My parents did a lot for me so I always felt I wanted to pay some of that back. My children were older than yours but they still struggled with the dementia behaviour. It must be unbearably difficult with the pandemic keeping everyone at home.

Admiral nurses, mentioned by MaNaAk, are available to help dementia carers at home although when I called they didn’t have any in my area. They will talk things through on the phone though which I occasionally found helpful.

 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
I do know how you feel @Helen10. My parents did a lot for me so I always felt I wanted to pay some of that back. My children were older than yours but they still struggled with the dementia behaviour. It must be unbearably difficult with the pandemic keeping everyone at home.

Admiral nurses, mentioned by MaNaAk, are available to help dementia carers at home although when I called they didn’t have any in my area. They will talk things through on the phone though which I occasionally found helpful.

 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
I don’t think admiral nurses are available according to mums social worker. Their service in our area is currently under review. I will reach out to the other links to understand our options.

mum’s dementia doctor called me today-first time I’ve spoken to the doctor directly. He’s changed her meds with me over the phone. They were only changed on Saturday 😩. She’s on such a concoction and think they want to try and reduce that. Feel like a doctor myself. Did say that given I’m dealing with this at home, I need an option for if mum reacts negatively to the changes in medication. Last thing I need is another situation like last time. Today she has been less confrontational but also more confused and less mobile. Feel like I’ll be a qualified nurse or doctor at the end of this! Fingers crossed 🤞the changes help. It is such a big responsibility dealing with all of that at home.
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
Hello @Helen10 . I will be keeping my fingers crossed that the medication tweak works out well and wish you a peaceful night.
@lemonbalm -thank you so much! Tomorrow it’s dad’s turn for a trip to a hospital appointment so am leaving mum at home with the husband and two kids. Here’s hoping I don’t get back to world war 3 🤯
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,234
0
@lemonbalm -thank you so much! Tomorrow it’s dad’s turn for a trip to a hospital appointment so am leaving mum at home with the husband and two kids. Here’s hoping I don’t get back to world war 3 🤯

This brings back so many memories of looking after two ill elderly parents. Constant juggling - with knives - and not much sleep. I hope all goes well today. Will be thinking of you!
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
This brings back so many memories of looking after two ill elderly parents. Constant juggling - with knives - and not much sleep. I hope all goes well today. Will be thinking of you!
@lemonbalm well I came back to relative calm-phew!! Settled down to an afternoon of work. Mum just got agitated around 5 and came to me in tears. Not sure this balance of meds is quite right... 😩
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,367
0
Southampton
could be sundowning that time of night when they get a bit restless and agitated. its could you came back to calm. it is a big responsibility at home but looks like you are doing really well to juggle it all. you are doing your best
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,234
0
@lemonbalm well I came back to relative calm-phew!! Settled down to an afternoon of work. Mum just got agitated around 5 and came to me in tears. Not sure this balance of meds is quite right... 😩

I'm glad you came home to relative calm. A shame it didn't last but late afternoon can be particularly tricky and it's so difficult getting the balance of med's right - and waiting to see what works. I guess your mum is already taking something for anxiety.

You really are doing a marvellous job with all the juggling and keeping all the knives in the air!
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
68
0
Just finished working to try and catch up a bit. Crawled into bed. Tearful and overwhelmed.
Despite this crowded house it often feels very lonely. There isn’t much time to sit and actually talk. Everyone looks to me to be in control. A lot of the time I feel very much not in control.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
327
0
Thanks for your support!! Just knowing other people are out there is helping!!

we have calls every 2 weeks with mum’s nurse and social worker. I should point out that last year mum spent 3 months under sectioning so perhaps they are more attentive because of that?! Reality is, I think medically they do have her on a lot of stuff to try and help. I picked up new meds yesterday as they are tweaking them again to try and help. They have offered a place in a nursing led care home but dad doesn’t want that. It’s the same place she went into last year and ending up being sectioned following her stay there. All tough stuff!
You are being expected to take on far too much to please your dad. Your mum needs a nursing home. Your dad can no longer manage her and its too much for you. Your husband should not have to put up with this situation nor your children. Would you accept a his mum with severe dementia plus your FiL living with you?
Do they still have a home to return to? If so tell adult social care you can't cope and they are going to return home. Tell them you fear for your mums safety but your dad won't let her go into care.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,234
0
Just finished working to try and catch up a bit. Crawled into bed. Tearful and overwhelmed.
Despite this crowded house it often feels very lonely. There isn’t much time to sit and actually talk. Everyone looks to me to be in control. A lot of the time I feel very much not in control.

Dementia is not easy to control and you have far too much on your plate. Just treading water under the current circumstances would be remarkable. You can't keep this up for long. What is your plan after the children go back to school (room for some carers to come in then perhaps)? Have you had time to think about it? Perhaps starting to plan may make you feel more in control.
 
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