Looking for ways to calm mum down

[Helen10]

@MaNaAk -no carers at the moment-just me!!!!

 

[MaNaAk]

You're doing very well but I think it's worth looking into getting more help. Also if it's possible when you're mum starts talking about things that don't make sense try to think about what time in her life she is talking about and join in a conversation from there. I used to think dad's gone back to the sixties today or the seventies.

MaNaAk

 

[Helen10]

@MaNaAk -no carers at the moment-just me!!!!

 

[Helen10]

@MaNaAk -thanks that’s helpful with trying to think where they have gone back to. Trouble is mum is looking for me and thinks I’m about 10 and won’t be put off her mission of finding me. The other day she shouted my name and I was upstairs and she shouted oh thank goodness I have found you. When I walked downstairs and said what’s up, she looked and said oh no not you. In the end, I went upstairs and phoned her and said I was at a friends house. She recognises my voice but not me. It’s the anger that is hard to deal with. Slamming doors, threatening to leave etc.
I have considered carers but at the moment, there are 6 of us in the house. If a carer came, and they can’t take mum out anywhere, I’m not sure what they could do with her.

any thoughts on this gratefully received
Hx

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @Helen10,

It must be so much more difficult for you in this pandemic. Is there anyway you can have a home help for yourself? Maybe when things start to ease you can look at day centres.

MaNaAk

 

[Helen10]

@MaNaAk - I could but I’m trying to avoid other people coming into the house. Can’t wait for other services to be available but have been waiting over a year for this so far

 

[Helen10]

Does anyone else just find 5 minutes to stop and have a little cry? Had to stop work because mum was saying she wanted a bath and a bath isn’t safe so had to get her into the shower. Then went back to doing work before prepping dinner for everyone and sorting washing etc etc. Am hoping I’ll feel better after a little cry

 

[lemonbalm]

Oh yes @Helen10 . I think we all need a bit of a cry now and then. I do hope it does make you feel better.

 

[Helen10]

Oh yes @Helen10 . I think we all need a bit of a cry now and then. I do hope it does make you feel better.

I think I am just exhausted. I also feel really guilty. I’m not entirely sure why. I think perhaps guilty for not feeling like I can do everything. Mum is very challenging. Her dementia makes her aggressive and she always thinks that she is right. Today I came downstairs from working to find her with her coat on. She told me she was going to play netball!! . I did manage to calm her down and she took her coat off. I told her the game had been postponed due to the weather. You find yourself coming up with all sorts of lies don’t you?! The other day mum thought I was the headmistress and this was a school. I find the distraction technique really hard. Giving her things to do often just causes more work for me-like clearing plates after dinner-I find the plates all over the place or dishes not washed etc. She thinks the stove is the sink and often pours leftover things onto it. She poured the kettle over her hands because she couldn’t figure the tap out-thankfully it wasn’t hot. She can’t be left for a second. She was in a home last year to give dad some respite before they moved in with me. She ended up fighting with residents, trying to escape out of the window. So from there she was sectioned. She came out last October but it wasn’t long before dad wasn’t able to cope.

I do feel like I’m moaning but it is so nice to hear others with similar stories and to know that I’m not alone.

 

[MaNaAk]

Does anyone else just find 5 minutes to stop and have a little cry? Had to stop work because mum was saying she wanted a bath and a bath isn’t safe so had to get her into the shower. Then went back to doing work before prepping dinner for everyone and sorting washing etc etc. Am hoping I’ll feel better after a little cry

Yes the worst time was when dad was first diagnosed as it felt like I was grieving as well.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Helen10]

Yes the worst time was when dad was first diagnosed as it felt like I was grieving as well.

Hugs

MaNaAk

@MaNaAk , mum had been diagnosed for a good few years now. Her and dad were largely coping at home until April time last year when mum just nose-dived. She kept throwing dad out and not recognising him and I would have to drive over and calm things down. They lived about 20 mins away before they moved in with me. In the end mum was just angry at poor dad all of the time for no reason. She went into a care home with a view to it being for a few weeks to sort her medication out. After 2 weeks, the care home just couldn’t cope with her. They ended up calling the police as she barricaded herself into a room and had hit another resident. So then she was arrested, sectioned and medicated.

feel very guilty she went through all of that. Especially during covid and we couldn’t be with her.
Medication works up to a point but we still have to deal with her outbursts. They keep tweaking her meds which works for a while but then she gets used to it and we are running out of options medically. So we muddle on. Trying to calm and distract her. It is a horrible illness to watch.

all hugs gratefully received

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @Helen10,

You and your poor dad are doing such a wonderful job that your mum couldn't have asked for a more loving husband and daughter.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[lemonbalm]

You certainly are doing a wonderful job @Helen10 . You really have your hands full and must be exhausted.

My mum has been in a care home for some time now, the only one in the area that would accept her after I had to move her from the previous one which couldn't cope. Constant medication tweaks have been essential along the way and there have been some peaceful happy times. I think we get to the stage where we just hope the dementia itself brings a contented calm.

Have some more hugs.

and some more.

 

[Helen10]

Well I am so glad I found this forum. I’ve only been on a few days but it is so comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this.
Yesterday my two young girls said but mum why do we have to go through this with Nan-it’s not fair. I tried to explain that every family has its challenges and just because we don’t know about them it doesn’t mean they aren’t happening. It’s hard keeping it together emotionally. The other day they could see I was very upset so they just crawled into bed next to me and hugged me-one on each side.

I am worried about the impact all of this is having on them. Hearing their nan swearing and slamming doors. Getting angry for sometimes no reason. I am supposed to be a role model for them-not crying myself to sleep!

thanks all for your virtual hugs and words of wisdom

 

[canary]

Hi @Helen10

My take on this is that whatever anyone does when dealing with dementia, they will feel guilty.
When someone with dementia is living with you, then everyone in the house has to be considered (that includes you) not just the person with dementia. Their needs and wants do not trump everybody elses. If you are concerned about the children (and I would be too) then it is not working and its time to change things. Who in the house is actually happy with this arrangement? It doesnt sound to me as though anyboby is. Perhaps now is the time to find a care home that specialises in challenging behaviour.

 

[Sarasa]

@Helen10 , you are doing an amazing job. There is no way I would have had my mother live with me and I don't have young children at home or a job to consider. Even if I had considered it my husband would have vetoed the idea. When he was a teenager his parents moved his maternal grandmother in. My husband is still resentful of the fact his parents considered her needs above those of their children, and he's in his sixties.
I agree with @canary, I think it is time to consider a care home that will be able to meet your mother's needs. I know the experience last year with homes was not good, but there are homes out there that will be able to manage.
Have some more hugs {{{{ @Helen10 }}}}}

 

[MrsV]

Perhaps you could leave the room and come back in saying something like....hello Mum it's your daughter Helen here. Just a thought .

Hi there Helen 10,
My Mother would constantly ask where her Mum is, is she at work? can I take her to her Mums work to see her. Then she asked where's my Dad (her husband), he passed away 30yrs ago. His dinners ready (it wasn't). She once asked me why are you here, why do you come to my house, where's your mother go home

When I told her I'm your daughter she said I'm lying, how can I be her daughter, your an old woman my daughter is at school a little girl. She would go crazy shouting and pushed me out of the house and said go away. She threw me out of the house! said I was stealing her furniture. She would tell neighbours we were stealing from her, and keeping her prisoner. It was a horrible time. Now Mum's in a CH and hasn't got a clue who we are and is very angry when we visit her via the window, she's asked the carers who are these people. Its a horrible time

 

[Helen10]

Thanks for your messages. Haven’t had a chance to check all day. Just got called down by dad at 4pm to help with mum as in his words-she isn’t very happy....

came down to find mum with her arms folded she walked into the kitchen and started moving things around. My 7yr old tried to tell her to stop and then mum started shouting at her. Timely to read all of your responses..,,

dad wants to keep her at home for as long as possible. Actually I think perhaps dad is just grateful of a rest and that he’s not dealing with this all on his own.

I could not feel any more guilty right now.

thank you for hugs.

 

[Helen10]

Hi there Helen 10,
My Mother would constantly ask where her Mum is, is she at work? can I take her to her Mums work to see her. Then she asked where's my Dad (her husband), he passed away 30yrs ago. His dinners ready (it wasn't). She once asked me why are you here, why do you come to my house, where's your mother go home

When I told her I'm your daughter she said I'm lying, how can I be her daughter, your an old woman my daughter is at school a little girl. She would go crazy shouting and pushed me out of the house and said go away. She threw me out of the house! said I was stealing her furniture. She would tell neighbours we were stealing from her, and keeping her prisoner. It was a horrible time. Now Mum's in a CH and hasn't got a clue who we are and is very angry when we visit her via the window, she's asked the carers who are these people. Its a horrible time

What a hard thing it is having to deal with someone who is angry and just doesn’t recognise you.

 

[Helen10]

Hi @Helen10

My take on this is that whatever anyone does when dealing with dementia, they will feel guilty.
When someone with dementia is living with you, then everyone in the house has to be considered (that includes you) not just the person with dementia. Their needs and wants do not trump everybody elses. If you are concerned about the children (and I would be too) then it is not working and its time to change things. Who in the house is actually happy with this arrangement? It doesnt sound to me as though anyboby is. Perhaps now is the time to find a care home that specialises in challenging behaviour.

Mums social worker has already said that there aren’t any homes close by that deal with challenging behaviour. So it would mean she would have to move away. Not sure how she or dad would cope with that