Looking for advice - Mum driving Dad to distraction, he’s at end of tether

[PollyM]

My mum has been referred to the memory clinic so whilst without diagnosis there’s little doubt something is seriously wrong.
Until a month or so ago she pretty much just had v poor memory and was a bit grumpy and unreasonable at times, which is out of character. Although I suspect she has been very grumpy and unreasonable to my dad for much longer than he admits.
Suddenly however she has almost completely lost the plot. She has recurring, almost permanent delusions now that my dad is a lodger and is trying to get her house from her, or is mad and abusive to her, or any manner of things which makes her extremely frightened, anxious and horrid to him.
He admittedly probably doesn’t always deal with this in the calmest of ways, although he swears he does try really hard, and I believe he does his best.
Anyway she’s trying to throw him out again tonight and the poor man doesn’t know what to do and neither do I. She is beside herself with fear and anxiety and upset that this man is so horrible, he is being thrown out of his own home by his own wife of 50 years.
The doc prescribed lorazepam which did seem to help take the edge off the anxiety for a while but she was in bits again this evening on the phone.
Now they won’t answer the phone to me... I don’t want to go and make it worse.
This can’t go on - Mum keeps saying she can’t stand it any longer that this man is in her house, dad is exhausted and broken.
What can we do????!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DeBlonde]

I'm sure someone will be along with advice soon, but if I was you I would ring 111
and get some help! @PollyM

 

[PollyM]

@DeBlonde Thank you for taking trouble to reply. I feel so alone.
But I’m not with her, and they won’t answer the phone...

 

[DeBlonde]

@DeBlonde Thank you for taking trouble to reply. I feel so alone.
But I’m not with her, and they won’t answer the phone...

I would call 111 on their behalf,and tell them you cant get through.

 

[Izzy]

@PollyM I agree - please phone 111 and ask for help. In fact if you are concerned for their safety I would phone the police on 101. Tell them that they are vulnerable people and you fear for their safety.

 

[Sarasa]

I agree with @DeBlonde . Explain they are vulnerable adults, you can’t reach them and are extremely concerned about their well-being

 

[Jessbow]

Are you far away? I am afraid I would go anyway.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @PollyM
you probably won't make anything worse ... are you able to go to them, though

I wonder whether your mum has a UTI ... may be worth checking ... if their GP have a saturday surgery, worth letting them know you are very concerned

it does sound as though she is sundowning ... which is an increase in confusion often as evening draws in

in some ways, she may be losing her grasp of time and believing herself to be much younger, maybe at a much earlier time in her marriage so looking for her husband of her youth, or even back before they met ... either way, she is not recognising the much older man in front of her as her husband .... in which case he is a stranger, in her home, treating her very familiarly and telling her what to do; any woman would be frightened, anxious and defensive, so possibly aggressive, and wanting him out
if your dad could back off and give her space it may help ... explaining or arguing will not help, as she's not able to look at the situation rationally ... what she believes is how it is (again, would any woman accept a stranger insisting he's her husband) ... if he could be calm and act as thoigh he's a good friend looking out for her while her husband runs some errands, that may help
I appreciate that's all a big ask for him

does she recognise/accept you at these times ... if so intervening may help calm things down ... you thanking your dad (use his name, not 'dad') and asking him to make a cuppa, so you separate them with some positivity may give you the opportunity to help her settle

if you are fearful of their safety, do make an emergency call, to out of hours or even police, who deal with such situations more often than generally realised ... and there should be an emergency number for their Local Authority Adult Services

added: cross posted with other replies, took so long to type

 

[DeBlonde]

I would call 111 on their behalf,and tell them you cant get through.

Hope you can get some help for them. Keep us posted, we're here to support
you through this

 

[PollyM]

Jeepers...
Finally got through, and all is suddenly well again.
Apparently dad managed to get her to take a lorazepam and suddenly all is well again...
it’s such a shock and scary...
You just don’t know when to draw the line. I was going down several evenings a week to calm things, I can’t go every night as I’ve got my own family to look after but I never know at what point it becomes dangerous.
Thank you all so much.
ANy advice for long term management would be marvellous as I don’t think either me or my dad can cope with this regularly much more...

 

[PollyM]

hi @PollyM
you probably won't make anything worse ... are you able to go to them, though

I wonder whether your mum has a UTI ... may be worth checking ... if their GP have a saturday surgery, worth letting them know you are very concerned

it does sound as though she is sundowning ... which is an increase in confusion often as evening draws in

in some ways, she may be losing her grasp of time and believing herself to be much younger, maybe at a much earlier time in her marriage so looking for her husband of her youth, or even back before they met ... either way, she is not recognising the much older man in front of her as her husband .... in which case he is a stranger, in her home, treating her very familiarly and telling her what to do; any woman would be frightened, anxious and defensive, so possibly aggressive, and wanting him out
if your dad could back off and give her space it may help ... explaining or arguing will not help, as she's not able to look at the situation rationally ... what she believes is how it is (again, would any woman accept a stranger insisting he's her husband) ... if he could be calm and act as thoigh he's a good friend looking out for her while her husband runs some errands, that may help
I appreciate that's all a big ask for him

does she recognise/accept you at these times ... if so intervening may help calm things down ... you thanking your dad (use his name, not 'dad') and asking him to make a cuppa, so you separate them with some positivity may give you the opportunity to help her settle

if you are fearful of their safety, do make an emergency call, to out of hours or even police, who deal with such situations more often than generally realised ... and there should be an emergency number for their Local Authority Adult Services

added: cross posted with other replies, took so long to type

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.
I have tried all this with my dad. I’ve explained it all to him more or less as you have. I’ve suggested he go along with it gently. He’s says he’s stopped correcting her and is doing all the things I suggest such as leaving the room, making a cuppa, being generally positive and not getting worked up.
It’s so hard though because I don’t know how he actually is with her. My theory is when he gets grumpy or defensive, she shuts down and gets anxious and the way she copes with that is to turn him into the Lodger, as in her head her husband would never be unkind in any way. He denies he is grumpy etc but I suspect his interpretation of that is different from mine...
I think she is feeling so low about herself she very easily feels rejected if you don’t positively and almost over-the-top behave as if you really want to include her, if that makes sense. So if you just behave normally, she thinks you don’t want her and goes off on one and it gets worse from there,
The worst bit is just knowing where to draw the line and call in the medics or police, because that’s a big message to send to either of them.
And of course as you say evenings are naturally worst although the past two days have been bad too. I spent all day with her yesterday because she was frightened of the lodger. And I’ve been down many evenings to calm things, but I can’t just jump in the car every single time.
If I knew it would all turn out ok every time I could find a way to cope for us all, but each time is just as scary ...
Sorry to witter on, I just feel so helpless.

 

[Shedrech]

witter as much as you want @PollyM that's what we're here for

so glad you got through and all is well

you say there's a referral to the memory clinic ... I think I'd get on to their GP, give them all these details and say they need an urgent appointment ... be honest and say your dad isn't coping (we're not all cut out to be carers, or at least it takes some more time to come to terms than others)

it may be worth looking at when your mum takes her meds ... I know with dad they were more effective if given before he began to work himself up, which can be tricky to time ... maybe try a little earlier than in the last few days

I agree, it's not sustainable for you to keep going over to them ... they need other support
not sure whether Admiral Nurses will be able to help wiyhout a diagnosis, probably, so do contact them
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/

 

[DeBlonde]

I hope you hear from the Memory Clinic with an appointment soon @PollyM sounds
like your Mum needs more medication other than Lorazepam. Your situation is very
similar to mine last year. Such a difficult situation. Keep posting here, the support is
amazing

 

[PollyM]

Thank you all so much.
The gp is being brilliant, I can email him whenever and he’s straight back to me. He was making with mum when I finally got her there and prescribed the lorazepam over the phone when I told him how bad it could get.
I’ve tried to explain to dad about getting her to take meds earlier before getting upset, he says he tries... but it’s so hard to know. Whenever I am there I just put it in her hand and get her water and make her take it while she’s calm, late pm well ahead of problems and generally all is well. He says she won’t take it for him and that it’s all different when I’m not there. Which it probably is but I still don’t think he is ‘kind’ enough to get through to her, so she gets defensive. But they’ve been married 50years...
I’ve been on to admiral nurses and they’ve put through urgent referral too so hoping to hear next week. Luckily dad is ex navy so qualifies for them here in Hampshire.
Problem is he also not really able to cope with the whole reality so won’t access all this help and support online yet.
it’s just the crisis points that are hard in the moment...
Thank you all so much

 

[DeBlonde]

I'm in Hampshire too @PollyM

 

[Shedrech]

hi @PollyM
I'm really glad the GP is so good and you have Admiral Nurses involved

it's not strictly good practice, though sometimes the only way, but might your dad hide the pill in some food (preferably something your mum won't chew) such as yogurt, trifle .... so your mum doesn't resist ... maybe check this with the GP

 

[PollyM]

I'm in Hampshire too @PollyM

that’s lovely to hear. It would be great to find local real people support I’m hoping admiral nurse might help with that.

 

[PollyM]

hi @PollyM
I'm really glad the GP is so good and you have Admiral Nurses involved

it's not strictly good practice, though sometimes the only way, but might your dad hide the pill in some food (preferably something your mum won't chew) such as yogurt, trifle .... so your mum doesn't resist ... maybe check this with the GP

thank you; will suggest that. Anything is better than seeing her in such distress... that’s what’s the worst bit of it all.

 

[Woo2]

It’s very difficult @PollyM , my mum was aggressive and moody and very different with my dad to how she was with me , if he needed to get her to do anything he would get me to ask her as she was fine with me as I wasn’t her main carer then, so although your dad may not be handling as well as he could , it seems it’s always the one that is there constantly that gets the good and the bad . Hope you get diagnosis and more help and support soon.