Long story but would like some kind advice

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Rover75, Oct 24, 2015.

  1. Rover75

    Rover75 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    Good day to you all.

    I will try and start at the beginning

    I am one of 8 siblings we range from 50- 71 years of age. We are all over the UK and as far as Australia and USA. For years we all got on with each other, yes we had our differences but we all use to meet and have family times together with no real problem.

    My stepfather and mother live in Wales. They had a nice life and about 6 years ago one of my sisters retired to live about 500 feet away from them thinking she could be close to mum and spend happy times together. A few years ago mum was diagnosed with Altzheimers, my stepfather health also went in to decline. My sister suddenly found herself. Looking after them both, everything from helping with daily life to arranging health care and appointments etc. My sisters twin in Australia also has been diagnosed with Altzheimers and she herself is recovering from cancer.

    Some months ago my sister sent a letter to all of us asking for help. This letter cause some of the siblings to respond and in a negative way.this rift has now cause the siblings to split in to two camps. This was some months ago. Then suddenly my stepfather became ill and he passed away some weeks ago. The tension between the siblings is very high and now I don't recognise them anymore because of the horrible things they are saying

    My sister was going to be the POA but she was so stressed with the vile comments from another sibling and her own problems that she no longer is POA. The family are split and the one half has my younger sister who has POA with her husband

    It's very hard at present because they can't separate the sibling rivalry apart and just think of mum. I have requested from the OPG copies of the type of POA. We are not talking so we are in the dark on what's happening. My brothers hatred suddenly for my sister is threatening and frightening her.

    We in the other half are being kept in the dark and they are not making it any easier for us to have access to see mum due to the issues between us. My view is we should put all that aside and think of mums life but they are so entrenched they can't put it aside

    I have a few questions:

    1. Dependent on the type of POA can my sister stop us from visiting mum?
    2. Should we get a solicitor to write to her to remind her of her duties under POA to make mums life a happy one which means she wants to see her children in peace and quiet?
    3 is what I have explained strong enough to write to the PGO or social services as a complaint that mums doesn't have access to all her children?

    Mum lives in her own home but has care and they take it in turns to stay with her but they are not asking us or my sister who lives a stone throw away just to spite us

    I am sorry this is so long


    Sent from my iPad
  2. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    It might be worth trying something completely different.

    Until 4 years ago you and your siblings got on reasonably OK - it wasn't perfect but you were able to resolve disagreements and cooperate on matters of joint interest. Now you've had an almighty inter-family row and the family's still split because of it.

    Family therapy may well help but it's really difficult to find any organisation offering it nowadays.

    As a kind of "second best", would it be worth while for the siblings who do get on with each other still to talk to Relate, either as a sub-unit "partnership" or as separate individuals, and try to work out whether this split is resolvable?

    Relate work with people in lots of different types of relationships. They may just have local counsellors who could help.
  3. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    #3 garnuft, Oct 25, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2015
    I'm the youngest of six.

    My oldest sister and I delivered 4 years of daily full on care, sleeping at Mam's, life on hold.

    Two brothers living (middle oldest bro died 47 in 2002) they spent their life, their wives lives and Grandchildren's lives as separate as good manners allow.

    One hadn't seen Mam for 18 months before she died but when she was fast tracked - coincided with when his relationship broke down, back he came.

    THEN...Mam was dying. At home.

    Oldest sister, prodigal son and I, were sharing care.
    Middle sister and oldest brother were happy to stay on the sidelines.

    THEN... When asked who wanted to be informed of Mam's imminent death...to be with her, comfort and protect her as she left us forever....

    Middle sister, oldest brother and OLDEST SISTER said they did not.

    Knock me down with a feather.

    Mam left us, with me singing songs and after waking her golden prodigal son, the brother I like the least,

    She left us, surrounded by love.

    Family's !!!

    Do what keeps your conscience safe.

    Leave theirs to them.


    I would tell bullying brothers to back off, calm down and do the right thing not point score.

    Very best wishes, we are on the treadmill again with my in-laws but the blessing is, my partner is an only child.
    It's an added agony otherwise.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    I should also say that involving a solicitor in family squabbles is rarely going to make things easier. The siblings "in charge" would need a health and welfare POA before they could legally stop anyone from seeing her - the financial one is not enough.
  5. Rover75

    Rover75 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015

    Thank you very much for your reply I will think about this
  6. Rover75

    Rover75 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015

    Thank you for your reply it is very helpful

    God bless
  7. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    #7 Mrsbusy, Oct 25, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2015
    Why don't you either just turn up together and walk in the house as if nothing has happened. If things become heated ask to speak to them in the garden quietly rather than raised voices. State firmly, sorry but I have as much right as you to see my mother and would like to help care for her, and intend do so, I would therefore appreciate it if you can be an adult not a bully. Right now I'm going back in there and you can do what you think is best. Then go into house and carry on without any bad feeling. It maybe enough to take the wind out of their sails. After seeing Mum either make a cuppa and offer them one or ask if you can have one as I'm sure mum would like one too.

    Or as Christmas is coming up, nip up with something for them all, a hamper or something, just to use as a pretence to visit. Say you have come to put all differences aside, thought they may like a Christmas drink and aren't going to make a big thing about the past, it's now that counts not what's gone on already. I know in your heart you feel different but sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns.

    No way would I go down the legal route too expensive and solicitors make things drag out, infuriate and agrivate people etc.

    If after trying the above approaches you get grief etc I would then suggest if you were screamed at etc to get out and a scene did take place I would arrange for a family therapy session even if it was with one of the other group.

    Sorry you are going through this, hoping for happier times soon.

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