Long distance no more

Jean001

Registered User
Jan 21, 2013
24
0
Hi I haven't posted on here in a while but have looked from time to time.
Brief background of my situation....
My dad passed away in 2013 and my mum had early stages of dementia. After living at home for a year after he died, with carers going in, she was moved into a rest home by hospital doctors as she kept having falls.
I lived in New Zealand with my partner and a mortgage, both had good jobs etc. I am an only child so it was hard to be away from mum but having in lived in NZ for 22 years at that time, my life was there. I struggled with feelings of anger - that I was entitled to my own life and after all, mum and dad wouldn't give up their life in London to move over to me so why should I be expected to do the same. My mums cousins stopped having anything to do with me cos they expected to move back home and care for mum which I knew I couldn't do. Even if I'd lived in the UK I know it's not in me to be a full time carer. Anyway, they can judge all they like until they're in my shoes they really don't know what it's like.
Well, after an agonising 2 years of trying to get things sorted in NZ to make the move back to the UK we've done it and are here now in London - just a minute walk from mum. I'm back in our family home that was rented out to pay for the rest home fees and we've moved in there and are now repsonsible for them.
Luckily my partner found a job straight away but I haven't been so lucky. As a graphic designer in NZ, design jobs here are harder to get. I send in my CV and don't hear back. Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I just wanted to say that even though it's been a most major upheaval in our lives and we are still unsettled because 'one' day we will go back to NZ to live, to see mums face light up when I walk into the lounge where she sits most of the time, is worth it. She is more settled in the rest home now and it is a really good one. The staff are lovely - it's clean, cosy, warm, with good food and they have a dedicated events co-ordinator who organises things, guest singers, outings etc for the residents who want to go.
My mum isn't too social but she's got a friend there now who she sits next to and will sometimes go with to the events, but with me there, she goes more. The staff are amazed at how she will join in if I'm there. Of course once I get a job I won't be able to go to any day things but I'll do what I can. I visit mum 2-3 times a week and we have such quality time together. I don't get her grumpiness (sadly the staff do have trouble with her at times) but the time we do have is precious. She still knows who I am right now although her conversation is hard to follow at times. Her dementia has advanced since 2014 but I can feel the love from her, and for her, and we talk a lot and I make the best of it giving her the dignity to try to hold a conversation. I often don't correct her about some things - I let her have her memories.
I am so very grateful to my kiwi partner for giving up his life in NZ for now to allow me to have this time with my mum. She's 86 now and in pretty good health considering so I think we will have a fair few years together which will be very precious.
It's hard to see mum like this yes, she tries so hard to be 'normal' for want of a better of word, but also I am so happy just to be with her. She does the best she can with the hand she's been dealt and I am so very proud of her for being her.
:)
 

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