1. Buddy the elf

    Buddy the elf New member

    Nov 12, 2019
    My Dad has dementia I am his only relative and we live 250 miles apart .
    He has a long term friend who has not fully accepted his diagnosis ,and is not able to take on his care .
    I am in touch with Alzheimer’s society and have meet with a social worker.
    We are working on some sort of care package ,what else can I do ????
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Buddy the elf.

    I think you’ve made a good start. I know some people use technology to keep an eye on their person with dementia from a distance so if you’re interested you might find some suggestions as to what would work on other threads.

    As your dad is so far away from you you might consider registering him as a vulnerable person with the local police. I did this with my dad and that meant they knew where he lived and could return him safely home and contact me when he went walkabout.

    Other people on here are also distance carers so can offer better advice. I lived very close to my dad.
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @Buddy the elf and welcome from me too. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

    As has been said, we have a few members who care from a distance so I hope you will get some tips from them. Beyond that, I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there



    You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

    Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    I was a long distance carer for my mother. As I had POA and she had savings I was able to arrange for carers to come in every day for several hours. That worked well for 18 months but then her care needs increased and she needed supervision 24/7, so I moved her to a care home near me.

    If your dad is not self-funding and he relies on social services, it won't be as easy. They will offer care visits (the maximum is usually 4 x 30 mins a day) and they may also offer day care, but that will depend on your dad agreeing to all this and being able to get to day care.

    I found it was very difficult being a long distance away because I could not monitor what was happening or how much my mother was deteriorating. The care agency were great but after a few worrying incidents I moved my mother to a care home.

    If you don't already have power of attorney, I would get that as soon as possible. You can sort out the forms but your dad has to agree and sign them.
  5. Buddy the elf

    Buddy the elf New member

    Nov 12, 2019
  6. Buddy the elf

    Buddy the elf New member

    Nov 12, 2019
    Thank you for this ,I do have POA ,and think I may be better looking for private care ,
  7. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    Hi I agree with Sirena. I too am/was a long distance carer. I lived 70 miles away from Mum (1hr 40 mins on a good drive but could be 4 hours if stuck on M1 accident) I visited 2 days a week staying overnight. She refused to go to the local daycare (and few facilities where she lives)
    I started with 2 x 1 hour housekeeping visits but rapidly had to increase to 2 x 30 min visits due to medication issues. However now Mum struggles to use kettle, phone and television and forgets to lock her doors. On bad days she is anxious and scared. After some gentle persuasion over the last few months she has agreed to ‘try’ a Care Home for 4 weeks. We go tomorrow. Hope sharing my experience helps a little. I think with Mum being self funding it has made the decisions easier
  8. Nia

    Nia New member

    Nov 29, 2018
    I am a long distance carer for my mum, actually very long distance from another country. I have LPA and deal with all of her accounts, Direct Debits and carers. My mother has district nurses that come and dispenser medicine twice a day with a lock box outside the apartment that has a key for a medicine cupboard. We were able to get Attendance Allowance with her benefits., we could have got NH carers but she never took to them and they can change daily when it is an agency, also doing everything from a distance can become hard when you don't have the direct contact with the carer. So i decided to take on private carer for 3-4 hours a day and an hour each day on the weekends and bank holidays, this is working out great i have contact with her via whatsapp and when she is not available she has a replacement that fills in for her. She sends me shopping lists and when to arrange delivery. It is just a matter of finding the right person for the job which is not easy. I try and arrange any tests or doctors appointments every 4 months when i come but if it is urgent then the surgery can always send out doctors or the carer helps with taking to the doctors.

    I did put a Nest camera in the lounge so i can look in on her when needed, the camera keeps recordings for 5 days, this allows me to check on what has been going on. Once she fell and i was able to save the clip of when she fell which helped with the doctors and carer to understand what happened. All you need for the Nest camera is unlimited WiFi in the apartment and it just plugs into the electricity.

    Happy to answer any other questions if needed.
  9. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    My sympathies, it is difficult when you live a long way off. As others have advised on this website there are organisations who can offer help but things will definitely feel better for you once you have the social worker's assessment of his needs.
    It's difficult when there's only you as all decisions fall on you. I'm in the same situation with mum, perhaps a bit further down the line but would really emphasise the importance of your own wellbeing and making sure you look after yourself. It's easy to go down the road of feeling guilty and disrupting your own life for your relative but it's important to get a balance as you can only do so much. Would recommend you check out Alzheimers Assoc in his area as they will assess you and your dad and offer additional support such as a befriending service, plus will signpost you to different things. Age uk too obviously have help and support and not just practical stuff but wellbeing and support groups and coffee clubs and day centres. The Alzheimers Association may also be able to refer you yourself for support in your own area aswell - they are a really great organisation. Unfortunately where I live, the Alzheimers association didn't have a group but referred me to local carers organisation where I got an enormous amount of support.
    It's a lot to think about but take one step at a time, it is exhausting whizzing up and down the country every couple of weeks and easy to put your own life on hold and but again take time for yourself in all this. I wonder what your work arrangements are and whether there would be some flexibility there. Even when you aren't living with a person with dementia there's a lot to do and it can feel a bit like having a second job.
    Use this forum, as already been said, there is a wealth of knowledge and shared journies and even if its just to vent at times it can help to not feel so isolated. If I can offer any more help feel free to msg.
    Good luck and all the best
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    I am a long distance carer. I have been doing this for years, & to be honest I’m worn out with it all. Paperwork, phonecalls etc-it’s unrelenting
    Then I think thank the heavens that I don’t do this 24/7 - I really couldn’t do that!

    I’m an emotional wreck, who juggles other aspects of her life poorly!
    Work,social life,personal time- all take a back seat.

    but that’s just me...
  11. Flavelle

    Flavelle Registered User

    Jun 20, 2017
    Hey DesparateofDevon are you doing OK yourself?

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