I lost my father back in February, I was his carer for the 5 years he had Alzheimer's. I was on my own the whole time and now I find myself lost, lonely and frightened.
Lonely
- Thread starter StephenBelfast
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Hello @StephenBelfast welcome to the forum, you'll find that this is a friendly and supportive group. Sorry to hear of your loss and please keep posting as there are others who who have been in the same position and will know how you are feeling - you are not alone here.
Is there a carers group in Belfast for those who are or were carers? If you can make contact with groups you might find they are still Supporting each other by occasionally meeting up or even just messaging. Reach out Stephen you need company. Chat on here when you want to vent.
That is a tremendous responsibility, to care for a parent with Alzheimer's disease over a period of years. During that time the nature of that caring intensifies that relationship and it requires the commitment which is selfless and focused on that one person who is totally reliant on the continuity of that care. If one has been more or less confined to a one to one relationship and outside social activities not playing any significant role, then when the caring ceases owing to the ending of the life which has been integral in one's own daily existence, there is a profound sense of detachment from normal life. Loss and perhaps anxiety fills the void and depression can become the new companion. Much of the trivial which masquerades as normality fails to provide any solace. On the contrary. Because what you have done is fundamentally right, eminently selfless, profoundly human - cared with compassion for a parent who could no longer live a life without that care. And it is not easy and can be immensely challenging and painful. Yet you do it all the same. So, do not feel lonely, do not feel frightened, because you are as important not simply owing to the care you have given to your father, but because in truth -- not fanciful opinion, nor sentiment -- you are as important as any other human being on this Earth. You matter.
Here you will find many listening ears and people with direct awareness of loss and all that this extraordinarily challenging world of dementia can thrust sharply and without feeling into your embrace. It is a sharing community. Nobody wishes to score points because that is completely irrelevant. Communication in accord is a wonderful thing when it happens. And it can happen here....
Hi Stephen,nothing prepares us for the life after being a carer for many years.Life goes on but it is not the life we had.Nearly four months on,I am still remembering mum being with me,it is hard to get your head around I know,so many things to deal with now our caring role has stopped.I get scared,too,completely lost some days,get train into town,walk around,few drinks,come home and she's not there.I take strength in memories,love for her,her spirit lives on.Your father would be so proud of you and thank you for looking after him for so long when he needed you.There are many good people here to listen and respond with help.Just take one day at a time,that's how I stumble on myself.
Hi Stephen
I am not on here on a regular basis, so just saw your post. I lived all my life with my mother, a lovely Irish woman, from Cavan, and for 3 of those years she had dementia. I know what you are going through. I had dreaded mum's passing for years, but it all happened very quickly. She caught a cold and was dead in a month and a half afterwards. At first I was relieved of my constant worries over her ( worry over falls, etc), but, latterly, I started thinking more how she was before the dementia. She knew at some level more than I did that the end was near- she once said "It's terrible how love has to die".
I had irrational feelings, I felt that she had abandoned me, left me on my own. I kept, still do, hope that she would communicate something to me,in a dream or something, but no. I felt ok earlier on, but it hit me again how alone I feel. After a difficult day at work, I knew at least that I had her love. I have been putting off counselling but I may end up doing it. I feel stuck, one part of my life gone, but nothing to replace it. Here is a great place; you can let it all out here, when you can feel you dont want to burden anyone you know. Anyway, we are here for you.
Take care, Charles.
I am not on here on a regular basis, so just saw your post. I lived all my life with my mother, a lovely Irish woman, from Cavan, and for 3 of those years she had dementia. I know what you are going through. I had dreaded mum's passing for years, but it all happened very quickly. She caught a cold and was dead in a month and a half afterwards. At first I was relieved of my constant worries over her ( worry over falls, etc), but, latterly, I started thinking more how she was before the dementia. She knew at some level more than I did that the end was near- she once said "It's terrible how love has to die".
I had irrational feelings, I felt that she had abandoned me, left me on my own. I kept, still do, hope that she would communicate something to me,in a dream or something, but no. I felt ok earlier on, but it hit me again how alone I feel. After a difficult day at work, I knew at least that I had her love. I have been putting off counselling but I may end up doing it. I feel stuck, one part of my life gone, but nothing to replace it. Here is a great place; you can let it all out here, when you can feel you dont want to burden anyone you know. Anyway, we are here for you.
Take care, Charles.
Life after dementia is an exclusive club no one wants to be in.
I sincerely believe the needs of the carers are at the bottom of everyone’s lists., and the after effects, when one is no longer needed are deep and far reaching. No wonder you are lonely. Picking up one’s life again is hard
I sincerely believe the needs of the carers are at the bottom of everyone’s lists., and the after effects, when one is no longer needed are deep and far reaching. No wonder you are lonely. Picking up one’s life again is hard
