• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

lonely without having to physically be a carer

jennifer3

Registered User
Apr 4, 2006
14
lancs
after much debating assesments from s w hubby is now in a nursing home not the local one as he is now high nursing level .I have to get there on 2 buses and a taxi but it is worth it as it's a lovely place and staff seem to cars about all residents regardless off condition. he has started walking with help and seems happy, some days he does not know me but says i can see him again thanks for small mercies he has been there for three weeks now, only trouble is i cant seem to stop crying is this normal ? also cant get used to shopping and cooking for one
son took me tonight it is first time this son has seen hubby for a few weeks a bit of a shock for him is there anything i could say to ease situation for children although they are adults now it must be hard for them to see dad completly lost and in a world of his own any suggestions
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Jennifer,
I am sure that what you are experiencing is normal; I can only speak as a daughter, but I cried for a while after mum went into the NH. I miss her when I go 'home'; I hate family events when she is not there. I know that dad found it took quite a while to adapt - having had his days revolve around mum for so long.
It is very early days for you Jennifer - give yourself time.
As you say, your son is an adult now - he has to see that this is the best situation for you and your husband, to make sure that he gets the care he needs and that you maintain your health. I don't think the pain can be eased, like you he has to live through it, and accept it. Sorry if I sound hard - but it is so sad seeing a parent so ill. Just keep loving one another and being there for each other.
Take care. Thinking of you.
Love Helen
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,246
66
Toronto, Canada
OF course you're still crying, it's only been 3 weeks. And your children will bear up and cope with it as best they can.

I still think it is harder for spouses than it is for the children. Normally the children are adults (like me) and have their own spouses & children & lives to get on with. It's hard for us adult children too, but I have a special feeling for spouses.
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
Hi Jennifer

I can totally relate to your message, mum's been in the NH for 4 days, and I've been told to stay away for a while to help her settle. My son and his partner went to see her tonight, and apart from wanting to kill me, she is doing OK.

However, is must be 150% more difficult for you because its your husband, the other half of you. I am sure made more difficult because of the awful journey you have to endure there and back, going home must be a nightmare, I'm sure you just want to get behind your own front door and have a good cry. Which is totally understandable. This is a MAJOR life changing event for you, but being sensible, of course it's going to take quite a bit of time to adjust to your new situation.

I am sure family and friends have told you to keep busy, easier send than done isn't it when your thoughts are somewhere else, but do give it a go, baby steps at a time, dont expect too much of yourself.

I'm sure for both of us, given time we will get there, my head is all over the place, I start some ironing, then come across something of mums in the basket, and spend the next hour sobbing into a Kleenex.

I was like a cat on a hot tin roof when my son was at the NH tonight, I thought she, and he, would be in bits, this wasn't the case at all, they had a good visit, it got a bit stressful at times, and of course she got upset when he was leaving, but she would do that when she was still in her own home. I am sure your children will probably adjust better than you think, but right now you are probably in a place where you are worrying about everything and everybody, all understandable.

Hang on in there, keep your chin up, continue cooking for two, just put one in the fridge for tomorow, it will be nice to come home after hanging around bus stops knowing your meal is all ready for the microwave!!
Love
Cate
 

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