loneliness

[Daisy May00]

This is my first time posting and I appreciate my concerns are minor to some but hopefully someone may have some helpful advice .....

My Mum who is now 87 was diagnosed with dementia about 2 ½ years ago and her decline has been (thankfully) really quite slow, she is still living independently and reasonably manages to do all her own chores i.e. washing & cleaning although she doesn’t eat very well (sandwiches & cakes) apart from when my sister or I cook for her then she has a really good appetite – I think she is afraid to use her cooker which I understand is common with other suffers .
Her memory is getting worse and she ‘knows’ it is she says it’s frightening which I’m sure it is and we as a family do our best to reassure her.
Sadly over the past few months she has become more and more lonely this is in part to the fact she doesn’t remember when she last had a visitor – as you can imagine this is upsetting for all of us as a family as my sister & nieces visit her several times a week for a cuppa or to take her shopping etc and whilst I live a long way from her I phone every day and visit every 6 weeks or so.
The other thing we are finding difficult is she doesn’t want to go out on her own to the social clubs she belongs to – she would go if my sister took her but as she works full time so can’t always be there. We have pointed out to Mum she could get a taxi which we could arrange but then she says she doesn’t want to waste money on a taxi which is ridiculous as she has no money worries at all and so the loneliness goes on !
Thanks for reading

 

[margherita]

Hi @Daisy May00 ,
What I like here on TP is that any situation and any concern get the same attention and are never dismissed as "minor".
You are suffering because of your mum's loneliness , it is so sad.
I suppose there is not much to do if she can't remember that you and other members of the family have visited her.
Re the other problem (she doesn't want to spend money to be accompanied to her social clubs) might it be overcome by telling her a voluntary can drive her?
It is surprising the number of people with or without dementia who are ready to believe such a lie.

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to TP Daisy May, sorry your mum is feeling isolated and lonely because of her disease. When my OH forgot her son had visited 10 minutes after he had just left for home last years I cried a little too.
As Margherita says we are all fighting the same battles and facing the same problems, maybe at different stages, so nothing is ever trivial. This forum and a lady who does not post so much now taught me that.
I don't know which part of the country you are in, but we have community transport in Bristol who can take people to day centres and memory cafes for less than the cost of a bus fare, so I would investigate Margherita's other suggestion and see if your mum can still get out without breaking the bank.

 

[SnowWhite]

Welcome Daisy May.

You Mum sounds like mine. When she lived at home she ate “snacks” as she called them which was bananas, paringles and cheese triangle. She came to mine every weekend and ate like a horse! Part of it was she couldnt be bothered and I also realised she had forgotten how to use the microwave and cooker. She was a brilliant cook all her life so I found that quite sad.

I see that your Mums decline has been quite slow, which is also like my Mum.

ask at her clubs whether she can have transport provided.

 

[Rosettastone57]

This is my first time posting and I appreciate my concerns are minor to some but hopefully someone may have some helpful advice .....

My Mum who is now 87 was diagnosed with dementia about 2 ½ years ago and her decline has been (thankfully) really quite slow, she is still living independently and reasonably manages to do all her own chores i.e. washing & cleaning although she doesn’t eat very well (sandwiches & cakes) apart from when my sister or I cook for her then she has a really good appetite – I think she is afraid to use her cooker which I understand is common with other suffers .
Her memory is getting worse and she ‘knows’ it is she says it’s frightening which I’m sure it is and we as a family do our best to reassure her.
Sadly over the past few months she has become more and more lonely this is in part to the fact she doesn’t remember when she last had a visitor – as you can imagine this is upsetting for all of us as a family as my sister & nieces visit her several times a week for a cuppa or to take her shopping etc and whilst I live a long way from her I phone every day and visit every 6 weeks or so.
The other thing we are finding difficult is she doesn’t want to go out on her own to the social clubs she belongs to – she would go if my sister took her but as she works full time so can’t always be there. We have pointed out to Mum she could get a taxi which we could arrange but then she says she doesn’t want to waste money on a taxi which is ridiculous as she has no money worries at all and so the loneliness goes on !
Thanks for reading

This sounds a bit like my mother-in-law she has mixed dementia that was diagnosed nearly three years ago and in some respects she can manage things on her own apart from the cooking using the washing machine and sometimes the telephone. She used to be quite active in church social clubs within the last 2 years she just refuses to get out we can't even get her to the day centre. She's also begun to refuse also to come to our house for tea. I think it's because she simply doesn't feel safe outside her own home. We tried a couple of befriending services but neither of them worked out very well and were unreliable. Unfortunately she just wants my husband to be with her 24/7 she lives about 5 minutes drive from us but because we both work full time it's simply isn't practical I'm afraid all her social life now revolves around is the carers

 

[yorkie46]

Hi Daisymoo

I was sorry to hear your story regarding your mother and can completely relate to it. My mother was lost when my father died, it was a sudden unexpected thing so there was no chance to prepare for it. He had always dealt with all the financial affairs and though at this stage her dementia was not that obvious she couldn't do any of this. She gradually stopped going to do her shopping, stopped going out or keeping in contact with friends. After a while we persuaded her to move from the bungalow into a sheltered flat because we felt that at least there were things going on and there was a warden and call system. This started well even though it had been a somewhat traumatic experience. Over the next year she again withdrew from socialising and again stopped going to the local shops which were in very easy reach. She began to stay in bed for many hours during the day, she wasn't eating properly and was regularly phoning the doctors surgery complaining that she was I'll and needed a visit. The doctor was very patient and would sometimes visit or phone her and then contact my sister who lived locally. He tried to get her to engage with befrienders who were willing to take her out but she started to tell them not to come because she wasn't well. She would get muddled with her medication which my sister put into daily boxes for her. She started to live on tinned soup and biscuits. In the end we decided she couldn't continue like that so we found a place for her in an excellent care home. The local authority tried to say she could manage at home with support but we knew she couldn't. I did battle with them from 250 miles away and eventually they accepted what we were saying. The doctor supported the move saying she had a few but not many years to live. It was the best thing we could have done for her because she has care, meals and some lovely people around her. That was six years ago, she is now 93, her dementia is quite advanced, she doesn't know me when I visit but if we hadn't moved her she wouldn't be alive today. She was lonely but couldn't accept help to overcome it and there was plenty on offer. I think she still enjoys some things in the moment. She had pneumonia in November and was in hospital for three days which worried me sick but she went back to the care hone and gradually got better. Loneliness is a dreadful thing but it can be overcome. It sounds like your mum isn't ready for a care home yet but in my situation it was the very best solution and I would urge everyone not to view it as the beginning of the end, for some it is absolutely the right thing. Good luck.

 

[Twinmum]

Hi everyone,
I lost my mum 4 yrs ago with Mixed Dementia and now my Dad has just been diagnosed with late onset of Alzheimers. Trying to get him involved in some local groups (hopefully when weather improves) as I can only take him out on a Saturday. My husband (who has Chrones Disease) visits him during the week with additional shopping and light housework and my Dad has carers 3 times a day for medication and food.

My Dad never says hes lonely, but i feel he is.

Take care and always here for a chat.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Hi @Twinmum and everyone supporting a parent living independently. My mum has vascular dementia and has been living alone, 10" walk away for seven years. She has carers 3X a day and me (only daughter) popping in and out nearly every day and keeping the house going. I feel as if her physical needs are being met but do feel dreadfully sad and guilty about the loneliness. I just can't face liveing with her permanently. My husband doesn't want to, and I feel so selfish but am trying to put us both first. I take her out once a week and have her round to ours another day, but know she sends hours alone in between. She took against her day centre, I think she actually finds it stressful being with people as she struggles with conversation. But it was great whilst she went, with activities and lunch. We had a taxi take her and a charity bus brought her home. Now I can tell when she's had enough of me or the carer and wants us to go away. At least the upside is they are in a familiar environment and can do what they want to some extent? I don't know, I struggle with guilt all the time and lie awake many hours thinking about how to resolve it all.