Locked in my room 90% of time - what options do I have?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by carabin, Oct 23, 2019.

  1. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
    i’ve been in an unloving abusive marriage for 45 yr .. he is getting meaner and meaner .. he will not go to doctor and if i say something he will come after me .. i don’t have any family or place to go so i stay locked in my room 90% of the time ... it’s scarey and i’m so tired of it .. he forgets things won’t listen and has taken to drinking cause he physically hurts ... what are some options i might can use
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,757
    Female
    Dundee
    I’m so sorry to read of your situation. It’s not acceptable that you need to stay in your room in fear. Have you ever contacted the police regarding your husband’s violence? If not I think you should make your situation known to them. Please make sure your have a mobile phone with you at all times so that you can phone them if you feel in immediate danger.

    If you haven’t already done so then I think you should contact the Local Authority Adult Services. I know that you said your husband won’t go the doctor but an urgent assessment of his care needs is necessary. Also you need to tell them that you are in a vulnerable situation. If you make your situation known to the police they will also contact social services. This will emphasise the urgency of the situation.

    It might useful for you to talk to the advisers on the Helpline. The number is 0300 222 11 22 and this is the link - https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    hello @carabin
    a warm welcome from me too

    your situation sounds intolerable
    at least you do have a safe place, but you can't be there all that time ... everyone has a right to feel safe in their own home

    I agree with Izzy, it's time to contact the police and inform them of both your present sitation and your past experiences. If you don't want to call 999, use 101 the non-emergency number ... or go in to your local station if that's possible.

    the advisors on the Dementia Helpline will have useful ideas for you - if you can't talk on the phone, there is a live online chat option, follow the link given you

    also contact one of the charities such as
    https://www.refuge.org.uk
    they will have stratefies for you

    to have your husband's care needs assessed, contact your Local Authority Adult Services ... by email or letter if you can't phone ... let them know exactly what is happening and that you musn't be mentioed as being the one who contacted them .. make it clear that you fear for your safety and that your husband cannot look after himself, so his behaviour is putting you 'at risk of harm'

    so your and your husband's GP knows how things are for each of you, either go have a chat with them .. tell your husband you are having a flu jab or some excuse that won't make him alarmed .. write in bullet points all the things your husband cannot do for himself, all his behaviours and the effects on you so that when you see the GP you have this info with you to give them ... if you can't see the GP, write a letter or email, keeping a copy ... add that your husband must not be told that you contacted the GP and ask for a referral to Social Services and for the GP to invite your husband in for a well-man check-up or his flu jab, or to make a house call
    the GP may not discuss things with you due to patient confidentiality, but has to take note of your concerns

    is there any possibility of watering down the alcohol your husband drinks, or replacing it for lower alcohol or non-alcoholic versions ... often the dementia means that the person doesn't realise the difference ... though, don't do this if it will cause problems for you

    keep posting, hopefully it helps to have somewhere you can come to write all this out
     
  4. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    121
    Female
    what a horrible situation to be in, i hope you can access some of the. good advice given.good luck
     
  5. Lirene

    Lirene Registered User

    Sep 15, 2019
    108
    I am praying for you xx
     
  6. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    653
    Female
    cornwall
    Personally I would have a phone to hand.I have been in that position of being attacked.
    You need to be safe and phone 999!Plus I was married to an alcoholic!
    YOU come first!
    It wears you down and you always feel “what if”.Life and you only get one has to be for you.
    Step out the box and observe...

    He is not your responsibility and you are not responsible for his feelings.
    Do what you can to survive.
    Ex husband is still drinking but no longer my responsibility..

    Take care and find somewhere safe.
     
  7. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
    thank you for your thoughts i don’t think i can leave but having friends that understand will make my days better
     
  8. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
    i’m safe and have lived like this for 30 yrs in my room ... what i looking for is people that understand and can be a friend ... my room is sm apartment and normally my husband goes weeks without noticing me or talking to me unless a family situation comes up and we have to talk ... i’m ok as is just wanting communicarion
     
  9. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    653
    Female
    cornwall
    Ok.But please be safe.
     
  10. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    691
    Hi Carabin. I'm so sorry you're in this situation - but so glad you've found this forum and all the wonderful people here. You say you can't leave. You don't have to leave - but social services might decide your husband needs to be elsewhere, where he can get the care he needs.
    It's not always easy to get help sometimes but you need to try - and not give up. You deserve better than this.
    Are you allowed out of the house? Some might think this a strange question but I was once in a marriage where I wasn't allowed out on my own - nor was I allowed to open the door when my husband was out. (Long story - I'm happily remarried now.)
    I feel for you and wish you well. Read about other people's experiences here - and keep in touch. (((Hugs)))
     
  11. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    152
    @carabin I suspect after 30 years you cannot imagine a different life. I can tell you that I did (only)21 years and found it very hard to imagine anything different. Gradually after chatting to a friend online I discovered a way out. I feel like a butterfly that emerged from a chrysalis. I’m me. No longer tense. No longer hiding or faking or avoiding the truth. it wasn’t a quick change in my life. Just keep talking and find yourself again x
     
  12. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    152
    My life is sooooooo different. I grieved my lost years. Please keep in touch and reaching out. I know how hard it is.
     
  13. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
    thank you ... you are So right!
     
  14. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    It does sound to me as if all your long years of living in this dreadful situation has robbed you of your confidence and deprived you of some happiness in your life.

    My ex husband wasn't violent or an alcoholic but he was a total control freak and after many years it rendered me incapable of decision making skills and left me with no sense of self respect or self esteem. And I suspect that this is how you feel.

    Nobody should have to live as you do and I think a chat to a supportive GP is in order or if you don't feel comfortable with that, find someone who can help you take back some of your life. I know how hard it can be to make the decision to leave and if that is a step too far, it wouldn't hurt to find a way of creating something better for yourself.

    You don't need to start with anything major but if you do one little thing for yourself, the next step is a little easier. Good luck.
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,735
    Kent
    Hello @carabin

    If you are able to make a phone call without your husband knowing, please phone the dementia helpline.

    0300 222 11 22.

    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

    Someone will be able to help you.
     
  16. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    194
    Female
    South East Coast.
    Oh gosh I'm so sorry to read your post and your horrific situation, I just want to send you lots of love n hugs.Stay strong and I hope theres a light at the end of your long tunnel
     
  17. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
    thank you for kind words i just don’t want to feel alone and this site is really helping me to not be silent and not feel alone
     
  18. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
     
  19. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    152
    Good!,,
    You are definitely not alone in your experience
     
  20. carabin

    carabin New member

    Oct 22, 2019
    7
    i’ve noticed his hands shake maybe it’s parkinson’s with him refusing to see dr i can only guess but he’s angry all the time esp if you try to talk to him ...
     

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