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Lockdown dependency

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
Hi. My OH has become totally dependent on me during the lockdown. He has had a rapid decline in his language skills and is a lot more confused. I'm finding it difficult. Before lockdown I used to go to the gym a couple of times a week and could leave him whilst I went for physio and hair appointments. I feel that this won't be possible unless our daughter can sit with him now so am feeling trapped. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,561
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi @Junibells , couldn't you call the social services? It seems to be the first step when you feel you can't go on.
They may help you find help.
Being trapped at home is draining and exhausting.
I am under "house arrest" , too, because my husband is emotionally dependent on me. He is still physically fit and can wash, dress, eat without my help.
Hopefully your OH is less stubborn than mine, who says he does not need anyone .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,418
South coast
If he doesnt have an infection amd this is just progression of the dementia, you could try finding out about a sitting service. Charities like the Red Cross, Age UK and Crossroads do a sitting service. Someone who will come and sit with him on a regular basis - chat, play cards, help with a hobby etc. I was just looking into this myself when lockdown put a stop to it all, but Im hoping that it will become available again very soon. I am also going to sort out day care, which your husband might enjoy too. All of these things will give you a break. There may be a waiting list, and you may have to pay towards them, but get in touch with Social Services for a new needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for you, to get the ball rolling.
 

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
Hi @Junibells , couldn't you call the social services? It seems to be the first step when you feel you can't go on.
They may help you find help.
Being trapped at home is draining and exhausting.
I am under "house arrest" , too, because my husband is emotionally dependent on me. He is still physically fit and can wash, dress, eat without my help.
Hopefully your OH is less stubborn than mine, who says he does not need anyone .
My OH also says he doesn't need help @margherita. He also is independent for washing, eating and dressing, although I do have to ensure that he puts clean clothes on after his daily shower otherwise he will put his dirty ones back on , so I keep hold of his clean ones and pass him them when he gives me his dirty ones. He insists that he could live independently even though he forgets when he's eaten and which meal he should be having because he thinks he's already had that meal. He is totally dependent on me though and is constantly looking for me if I'm not in the same room as him. He also has started to wander around the house during the night or very early in the morning so triggers the house alarm, he's always fully clothed though. He doesn't remember how he's got to where he is or why he's there and I sometimes feel really tired. There's absolutely no way that he would go for day respite or anything though. It's so frustrating at times.
 

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
@Junibells have you checked to see if he has an UTI? They can cause a great deal of confusion and checking that possibility would make sense.
Hi "Canadian Joanne. Yes he's had a full check up with the GP now including an ECG and everything is normal. Our daughter is a qualified nurse and had suggested that a UTI could be causing it. So it must definitely be the dementia causing the problems unfortunately. I was hoping that we may have an easy 'cure' for his current problems. Thank you for your reply.
 

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
If he doesnt have an infection amd this is just progression of the dementia, you could try finding out about a sitting service. Charities like the Red Cross, Age UK and Crossroads do a sitting service. Someone who will come and sit with him on a regular basis - chat, play cards, help with a hobby etc. I was just looking into this myself when lockdown put a stop to it all, but Im hoping that it will become available again very soon. I am also going to sort out day care, which your husband might enjoy too. All of these things will give you a break. There may be a waiting list, and you may have to pay towards them, but get in touch with Social Services for a new needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for you, to get the ball rolling.
Hi "canary. Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately he is very stubborn and will not go to any day centre or have anyone sitting with him because "there's nothing wrong with him"and he's fine on his own but I don't think he is. This is why our daughter comes round to sit with him occasionally but I would feel bad asking her too often because she has 4 teenagers and 2 of them have autism so I don't want to burden her with anything else. I feel like I'm stuck and don't know which way to go . I was wondering if I could 'employ' her as a paid carer, even though she doesn't want payment, because that may help her financially and it would help me emotionally and mentally.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,418
South coast
I dont know about the legalities of paying your daughter to si with him @Junibells , but Im sure someone wil know.

I think a lot of whether they will accept day care or a sitting service will depend a lot on how it is described. If you say that someone is coming to sit with them while you go out because he cant be left of his own, that is bound to cause upset. If, however, you describe it as "a friend of mine who is coming for a coffee and shes heard that you play a mean game of scrabble" it may be accepted.

OH will be going to day care, but Im not calling it "day care" - its his woodwork club and gym.
 

None the Wiser

Registered User
Feb 3, 2020
105
Hi "canary. Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately he is very stubborn and will not go to any day centre or have anyone sitting with him because "there's nothing wrong with him"and he's fine on his own but I don't think he is. This is why our daughter comes round to sit with him occasionally but I would feel bad asking her too often because she has 4 teenagers and 2 of them have autism so I don't want to burden her with anything else. I feel like I'm stuck and don't know which way to go . I was wondering if I could 'employ' her as a paid carer, even though she doesn't want payment, because that may help her financially and it would help me emotionally and mentally.
Hello @Junibells. My husband also doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him and he’s now totally dependent on me for care and entertainment! However, last autumn I really felt trapped and was determined to have a few hours respite from this relentless role as carer. My husband has never enjoyed group meetings, he doesn’t have any hobbies and has never needed friends. I was very surprised that he settled in day care, but he has. One of the saddest things about our relationship now is that I have to be a little devious and untruthful. He calls day care his ‘club’ where he goes to help out with teaching (he was a teacher), and to have a meal ( he still loves his food). It wasn’t easy but I decided not to take no for an answer. I remember saying to him “I need you to do this”. Most of the time he enjoys going. I’m certain he is better off in day care than he is with me. He has other people to talk to, activities to join in with if he feels inclined and a team of people looking after him. I Can honestly say that at the beginning of all this people kept saying to me ‘what about day care’, and I kept thinking ‘there’s no way I’ll get him to agree to that’. Persevere if you can - you may be pleasantly surprised! Good luck.
 
Last edited:

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,523
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Hi @Junibells and so empathise with you on this as, although my OH was hospitalised with a UTI in February, she has been with just me throughout the lockdown and since discharge and, although now clearly over the UTI, is more clingy about me going out on my own and frets if I seem to have been gone too long. Mind you I still play golf and go for walks and accept the flack rather than become housebound mysel.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,660
South East
Hi @Junibells , just wanted to add my two Penneths worth , Mum would never have agreed to day care either , we walked past the place once and I casually mentioned they were looking for volunteers, she used to look after older people so thought this was the way to go , she liked the idea of helping out so took her along , the ladies running it were in on it and let her help out for a couple of hours , they then got her to sit and enjoy the activities , she really liked going for the few weeks she did before lockdown so hoping she goes back ok . Please do consider trying to sell it however you think may work as it is a huge help having that few hours off , it has been a sanity saver for me .
 

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
Hi @Junibells , just wanted to add my two Penneths worth , Mum would never have agreed to day care either , we walked past the place once and I casually mentioned they were looking for volunteers, she used to look after older people so thought this was the way to go , she liked the idea of helping out so took her along , the ladies running it were in on it and let her help out for a couple of hours , they then got her to sit and enjoy the activities , she really liked going for the few weeks she did before lockdown so hoping she goes back ok . Please do consider trying to sell it however you think may work as it is a huge help having that few hours off , it has been a sanity saver for me .
"woo2. Thank you for your reply. I have been helping out at a dementia cafe for a few years and have tried to get him to come to it to help but he gets bored, I've tried to encourage him to sit down and enjoy the entertainers but he just gets up and wanders around or walks outside round the church grounds. He's not a sociable person and has never enjoyed parties or family get togethers. I think there may be something that we may both be able to go to in a nearby village and maybe I could try and get him to go to that, I know that there is a day centre for respite care in the same area so if I can get him involved in the dementia group he may get to know someone who goes to the day centre. Fingers crossed. I'm glad it was working with your mum before lockdown and hope it continues when these places can reopen.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,660
South East
Hmm well it sounds like it could be a job and a half for you , I hope the joint activity works out . My husband is almost anti social so I would have no hope of getting him there if ever he needed it . Hope you manage to find a way to get a break.
 

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
Hi @Junibells and so empathise with you on this as, although my OH was hospitalised with a UTI in February, she has been with just me throughout the lockdown and since discharge and, although now clearly over the UTI, is more clingy about me going out on my own and frets if I seem to have been gone too long. Mind you I still play golf and go for walks and accept the flack rather than become housebound mysel.
"Agsy thank you fro your reply. My Oh frets if I'm out of the same room as him for more than a few minutes and follows me round the house. Sometimes I feel smothered but I know it's his insecurities and the dementia causing him to do it. It's just frustrating. If I'm gardening he'll watch me from a window if he can and if he can't see me will come out and keep asking me how long I'm going to be. Lockdown has made him much worse and he forgets how to make himself a cup of tea or where to get the hot water from and confuses the kitchen appliances
Hmm well it sounds like it could be a job and a half for you , I hope the joint activity works out . My husband is almost anti social so I would have no hope of getting him there if ever he needed it . Hope you manage to find a way to get a break.
Thank you . Our daughter is very good and is trying her best to help me figure it out. She sits with him when she can now that we have a social bubble. She has 4 teenagers though, 2 with autism and she's a lone parent so she has her work cut out at home too.
 

Junibells

Registered User
Feb 10, 2019
11
Hello @Junibells. My husband also doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him and he’s now totally dependent on me for care and entertainment! However, last autumn I really felt trapped and was determined to have a few hours respite from this relentless role as carer. My husband has never enjoyed group meetings, he doesn’t have any hobbies and has never needed friends. I was very surprised that he settled in day care, but he has. One of the saddest things about our relationship now is that I have to be a little devious and untruthful. He calls day care his ‘club’ where he goes to help out with teaching (he was a teacher), and to have a meal ( he still loves his food). It wasn’t easy but I decided not to take no for an answer. I remember saying to him “I need you to do this”. Most of the time he enjoys going. I’m certain he is better off in day care than he is with me. He has other people to talk to, activities to join in with if he feels inclined and a team of people looking after him. I Can honestly say that at the beginning of all this people kept saying to me ‘what about day care’, and I kept thinking ‘there’s no way I’ll get him to agree to that’. Persevere if you can - you may be pleasantly surprised! Good luck.
"None the wiser. Thank you for your encouragement. It's good to hear that you had success. I'm hopeful that eventually I'll get him there but my worry is that even when we have visited out daughter, over the last few weeks since forming a social bubble with her, he wants to leave and go home after 10 mins. I often have to say that I'm not ready to go home yet. But he gets fed up and puts his shoes and coat on and continues to ask to go home until I eventually give in. I think he find conversations difficult to follow and if her children come to chat too I think it's overwhelming for him. They are all teenagers, well one has just turned 20 and the youngest is 15 but they sometimes have a lot to say! I will have to persevere with day care as you say and fingers crossed it works out eventually1
 

None the Wiser

Registered User
Feb 3, 2020
105
My husband is just the same @Junibells. It makes it so difficult to enjoy being with others doesn’t it? You’re constantly expecting to have to leave at any moment. It’s frustrating and annoying for us and must be frustrating and annoying for them too, Lack of sense of time doesn’t help.
Another thing it took me awhile to come to terms with is the total ‘self-centered ’ view that my husband now has. He has no ability to see how things are from anyone else’s point of view, and that coupled with an inability to realize that there is something significantly wrong with him is really very tricky. I long to talk things through with my husband but he wouldn’t begin to understand or acknowledge any of it. It completely changes the relationship.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,660
South East
Your daughter sounds wonderful , and an invaluable support for you , even though she has a busy household .