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lock down hell...

Lyd

Registered User
May 27, 2019
80
I dont really think anyone can help but if you can sieve through this lot and offer anything of value please help...
my MIL has apparently advanced dementia. until 10 days ago living independently but getting worse over the previous 6 weeks with rapid deterioration over 3 weeks. main issues we were having food (eating cold ready meals), alcohol (never starts drinking until 6pm but no clear idea when 6pm is), not wearing trousers. she was well scaffolded by a whole village that helped her. When the duty social worker came out she said she had never seen anyone with so advanced dementia living so independently (albiet very scaffolded).
3 weeks ago we accepted something needed to change and we couldnt both work full time and visit 4 times a day. because i work in social care i was concerned if she went in a home it would lock down (which has come to pass) she wouldnt see us and that would be it she doesnt know who we are (i.e. family) but she recognises and likes us. she is also fiercely independent and wouldnt manage being locked in if we couldnt support my fear was she would deteriorate very rapidly and be moved to a specialist unit for difficult people or on significant sedative medication.
So we decided a live in carer for 6 months until things settle we can still visit (basically treating ourselves as one house hold over two houses). That has proved very difficult. Carrs are meant to stay 2 weeks on rotation the first one was removed after 10 days because the agency through she wasnt experienced enough. She did miss that MIL had a swollen food and ankle and was limping badly (MIL is very sprightly... stand on a chair to reach a top cupboard sprightly). The second decided within 24 hours she would only stay a week. MIL is being horrible to the second one who locked her in the house bacause she had no trousers on. She wont take medication from them. With the second one MIL has now taken to her room with a bottle of wine and a cold ready meal. She has started pooing on the floor and in her pants (when she is wearing them).
My phone calls to GP are triaged by the receptionist and GP appointments are remote with me sending photos. We still dont have a social worker to do the assessment of MILs needs and her world has completely changed. Today i got a text about changes to the bins and i could have wept (actually i did!). They are closing all the bins in the community. MILs daily routine involves taking rubbish to a bin in the community (one of her other sons told her off 4 months ago for mixing recycling and rubbish and since the she has been taking all her rubbish to a bin behind the shops).
Anyhow this is clearly just a crude sketch of the situation. I am also working 40-50 hours a week at the moment and find myself crying uncontrolably to the GP one moment and then 3 minutes later on a conference call planning how we are going to respond to increased incidents of DV resulting from lock down.
Thank you for reading. I dont actually expect you to help. I just want someone to know. I feel like everything I do is wrong and everytime i think things are as bad as they can be they get worse.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,330
Merseyside
What a nightmare for you all @Lyd
Personally, I’d be contacting the crisis team & pushing for emergency respite.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,258
South coast
Hello @Lyd . Im afraid that there are no good answers with dementia - just least bad and the pandemic has just made everything worse.
I do feel that you have exhausted all the possibilities and its now time for a care home - if you can find one. Have you spoken to Social Services? I do feel that your present situation is untenable.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
723
Hi @Lyd, I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I can understand how you are feeling that you are at breaking point. I agree with @canary and @Cat27 this is a crisis and one that you cannot possibly manage - put a call in to Social Services and explain the situation, emphasising the safeguard and self-neglect aspects, explaining that you need emergency respite. I really hope you can get some support.
 

Lyd

Registered User
May 27, 2019
80
Thanks guys. Its just all very final.... They will lock her in. She will be so angry. She will probably try to hurt herself or someone else. She will get sectioned. We wont see her for months and when we do she will have lost us.
Today went up and gave her breakfast. She was busy telling the carer of for some transgression to do with the bin "I have explained to you before those things do not go there. You dont have permission. If it happens again i will be livid. Put out your hands and take them back."
I took a moment to be impressed with her sudden command of language. Usually we have conversations about "the top bit being bright and children flapping on the white" managed not to smile proudly (didnt think it would go down well with the carer now stood with a handful of food scraps.).
All quiet for now. I think i will go back to bed with my book and a coffee and perhaps have a nap.
Some decisions cant be unmade.
 

Lyd

Registered User
May 27, 2019
80
If you're scared of her anger, is the carer safe?
carer is safe. i wouldnt leave anyone in a situation that wasnt safe neither would im sure their manager.
thank you for your concern.
i am not scared of her anger i am scared of the impact on her of her being unhappy and distressed.
i am attempting to predict what could happen if she could no longer go out (currently she can).
i am trying to make the best decisions for the future.
 

DianeP

New member
Apr 4, 2020
1
Thanks guys. Its just all very final.... They will lock her in. She will be so angry. She will probably try to hurt herself or someone else. She will get sectioned. We wont see her for months and when we do she will have lost us.
Today went up and gave her breakfast. She was busy telling the carer of for some transgression to do with the bin "I have explained to you before those things do not go there. You dont have permission. If it happens again i will be livid. Put out your hands and take them back."
I took a moment to be impressed with her sudden command of language. Usually we have conversations about "the top bit being bright and children flapping on the white" managed not to smile proudly (didnt think it would go down well with the carer now stood with a handful of food scraps.).
All quiet for now. I think i will go back to bed with my book and a coffee and perhaps have a nap.
Some decisions cant be unmade.
Very difficult times for you. When I had paramedic into my mum he asked me go back 10 years what would mum ask you to do. It eased my consciousness
 

Herecomestrouble

Registered User
Dec 11, 2018
22
carer is safe. i wouldnt leave anyone in a situation that wasnt safe neither would im sure their manager.
thank you for your concern.
i am not scared of her anger i am scared of the impact on her of her being unhappy and distressed.
i am attempting to predict what could happen if she could no longer go out (currently she can).
i am trying to make the best decisions for the future.
Awful situation and obviously no easy answers.....you have no doubt worked your way through those already ...could either you or your partner take leave from work, annual, sick, compassionate, unpaid, whatever in order to live in with her? . I appreciate that there is no time scale with these things. It does sound like your MIL needs full tie care and there are no a whole lot of options for that.I’m impressed that you haven’t taken to the bottle yourself ( or maybe you have!)... that is of course another solution but maybe cause more problems than it solves 🤪
 

Lyd

Registered User
May 27, 2019
80
Welcome to DTP @DianeP
Thank you. Thats a lovely thing to have been told. 10 years ago she would have been very suprised it would be me caring for her!!!! We never got on till now. If we had what she would have wanted it isnt something i am prepared to do for her. However 10 years ago she would have understood that what she needs is too much.
 

Lyd

Registered User
May 27, 2019
80
Awful situation and obviously no easy answers.....you have no doubt worked your way through those already ...could either you or your partner take leave from work, annual, sick, compassionate, unpaid, whatever in order to live in with her? . I appreciate that there is no time scale with these things. It does sound like your MIL needs full tie care and there are no a whole lot of options for that.I’m impressed that you haven’t taken to the bottle yourself ( or maybe you have!)... that is of course another solution but maybe cause more problems than it solves 🤪
Fortunately not turned to drink! For every bad situation there is a worse possibility if you have a little imagination!!! I have thought of leave. Some kind of family rota to get us through this next bit and help her be calm again. Ironically before we had the live in care my son (18) lived with her for 4-5 days and she loved it. Because she is most definately very upset at the moment. My partner will say no i think. He is very sad because his brothers have left him to it and dont even phone their mum. I will also call her GP and ask about medication.
A home would have to be sight unseen with no contact but that is perhaps what she needs.
Thank you for all who have commented and helped me make sense of thoughts.