Lock Down at Care Home

[Palerider]

I'm sorry for you loss @bdmid its a cruel situation to have been in and have to resolve as well -my thoughts are with you

@Wifenotcarer I was just reading peoples thoughts about bringing their loved ones home from the CH. I was chatting with a close friend last night who was genuinely trying to be helpful and said why don't I bring mum home, but its not that simple. I think in my situation its fairly obvious mum is in the final throws of her dementia journey, unfortunate;y at a time when I can't visit. I did think for a moment that might be possible but its really isn't as she has now progressed. I would have to give up work to care for her which I can't do, mostly because the hospital won't grant unpaid leave as things are with coronavirus. Even if I did give up work I would need extra help which at the moment would be exceptionally difficult to get. It pains me to make the decision to continue, but there really aren't any other alternatives and mum is better off in the CH because they can access services such as the GP, dieticians and palliative care far quicker than I can as well as being safe and provisions made for supplies, unlike me on my own.

The bain of my existence now and many on here is to be constantly thinking about our loved ones and the anxiety on some days is overwhelming, worse than when I worried about mum when she was at home sometimes. The only comfort I draw is from mums own outlook and stoism she would have said something like 'well if this is what I have to do, then I have to do it'

The other thing to consider is that with the coronavirus its not always obvious in who is infected and it may be a case of jumping out of the pan into the fire (to coin another one of mums lifelong phrases).

 

[Smallears]

I love the idea of sending postcards, I don't think my mum will understand but a nice picture or maybe get pics of loved ones printed. I miss seeing my mum so much, I got the chance on Friday but only because she had had a mini stroke, now can't walk and wasn't eating or drinking, the called asking about DNR, I begged them to let me see her and they agreed. Saturday she improved, still can't walk but had porridge and a cuppa. Feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster! Its a very hard time for us all but I do understand why they decided to lock down, rightly or wrongly, who knows ?‍♀️

 

[Susan11]

I love the idea of sending postcards, I don't think my mum will understand but a nice picture or maybe get pics of loved ones printed. I miss seeing my mum so much, I got the chance on Friday but only because she had had a mini stroke, now can't walk and wasn't eating or drinking, the called asking about DNR, I begged them to let me see her and they agreed. Saturday she improved, still can't walk but had porridge and a cuppa. Feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster! Its a very hard time for us all but I do understand why they decided to lock down, rightly or wrongly, who knows ?‍♀️

Try Touchnote. You can do it completely online with a photo from your phone or computer. They send good quality postcards. Or you can email photos to the CH and ask them to print them out for your Mum. That's what I'm doing at the moment and it seems to give Mum some joy to see her Great Grandson.

 

[greengables]

Got the phone call I have been dreading at Lunchtime yesterday = "Under a directive from the Care Commision home closed to all visitors until further notice. Nor is any resident allowed to leave the Home for a run or meal out. All incoming entertainers have been cancelled. I found the news devastating. OH and I have been together for 56 years and never been apart for more than a couple of days. I have visited him in the home most days since he became resident there. I do not go out of a sense of duty or to check up that he is being cared for properly (he is). I go because I miss him. Sometimes he is half asleep and I don't stay long, sometimes he is on good form and we have a walk together in the gardens, or a long chat over a cuppa. He retains his sense of humour, makes me laugh, cheers me up. Also I often get involved in the 'activities' and through this have become friendly with the caring staff and other residents. All this has now been taken from me and to make matters worse my other regular activities outwith the home have been cancelled. Can't even work in the garden as it is raining AGAIN.

I phoned my Dsis and BF this morning I suppose to have a moan. One said that I should look on the bright side, that I would not feel guilty about not visiting because it would not be my fault??, the other said not to worry because if OH became seriously ill they would let his next of kin in to see him!! They don't get it do they? I feel bereft of my purpose in life i.e. doing everything I can to make life easier for my .OH and that I have overnight become a (hopefully) temporary widow. Keep thinking that even violent prisoners in jails get visitors.

 

[greengables]

Got the phone call I have been dreading at Lunchtime yesterday = "Under a directive from the Care Commision home closed to all visitors until further notice. Nor is any resident allowed to leave the Home for a run or meal out. All incoming entertainers have been cancelled. I found the news devastating. OH and I have been together for 56 years and never been apart for more than a couple of days. I have visited him in the home most days since he became resident there. I do not go out of a sense of duty or to check up that he is being cared for properly (he is). I go because I miss him. Sometimes he is half asleep and I don't stay long, sometimes he is on good form and we have a walk together in the gardens, or a long chat over a cuppa. He retains his sense of humour, makes me laugh, cheers me up. Also I often get involved in the 'activities' and through this have become friendly with the caring staff and other residents. All this has now been taken from me and to make matters worse my other regular activities outwith the home have been cancelled. Can't even work in the garden as it is raining AGAIN.

I phoned my Dsis and BF this morning I suppose to have a moan. One said that I should look on the bright side, that I would not feel guilty about not visiting because it would not be my fault??, the other said not to worry because if OH became seriously ill they would let his next of kin in to see him!! They don't get it do they? I feel bereft of my purpose in life i.e. doing everything I can to make life easier for my .OH and that I have overnight become a (hopefully) temporary widow. Keep thinking that even violent prisoners in jails get visitors.

Hello -I do feel for you as I'm in the same situation and, no, people don't get it. I have spent every afternoon with my dear husband (74 years old with severe Alzheimer's) since he went into the care home 18 months ago and have been closely involved with his care. I love him very much and I want to be with him. That came to an abrupt end 4 weeks ago when the lockdown started. The home now has several residents suffering from Covid-19 and has staff shortages due to people having the virus or self-isolating. There will be no treatment for the residents. It has been made clear that we cannot go into the home even to say goodbye and I'm expecting never to see my husband again. People think that because someone has Alzheimer's they don't mean as much to you but I love him more than I have ever done. I do hope that your husband makes it through and that you can keep well and sane.

 

[greengables]

Sadly that’s what has happened to me, my mum was at end of life and very poorly, but there was no exception, the home would not allow me to see her. Mum passed away 3 days ago. It is just surreal and I can’t get my head around she gone. I had not seen her for almost 3 weeks and I have to wait until Tuesday when the Chapel of rest reopens after the holidays. I really hope this doesn’t happen to you.

Hi - I'm so very sorry. The home my husband is in has the same policy and since several of the residents have the virus I'm expecting never to see him again. It's all utterly heart-breaking. I hope that you can find some peace in these terrible times.

 

[greengables]

Hi again - sorry, I'm repeating myself - only just getting the hang of this forum.

 

[pixie2]

Hi again - sorry, I'm repeating myself - only just getting the hang of this forum.

Its heartbreaking isn't it

 

[bdmid]

Its heartbreaking isn't it

It really is heartbreaking. It’s exceptional circumstances and I do understand it’s to protect us as well as our relatives but it still is deeply upsetting. I wish you all the very best and hope your husband stays well and you’ll be able to see him soon.

 

[Wifenotcarer]

I remember that 3 years ago, when Oh eventually got one day a week at day care (he was supposed to have two days, but never did.) I joined a group to learn about 'Coping with dementia'. I never felt very welcome, probably because I always arrived late for each session because OH's drop off time was the same time as the class started but in another town. Over the weeks I realised that I was the only participant who was "Caring" 24/7. Every one else's PWD was either in a Care Home or had carers coming in at home or shared the care with other relatives, giving them 'time off'. Their needs and interests were very different from mine - I thought they had an easy time of it compared to me. By the time part 2 of the course/group resumed in the Autumn, I did not have time to attend as the Day (actually 5.5. hours) Care was now taken up by shopping, appointments, essentially everything I could only do without OH in tow.
Fast forward to now - OH has been in a Care Home, just up the road, since last August. He is well settled, quite the 'teacher's pet' of the home due to his always cheerful and funny disposition. I have been dropping in most days and taking part in the activities with him and the other residents. They have become my 'family' too. And then, suddenly, cut off from not only, OH but this source of support for me too. I miss him so much, skype calls are difficult as he is fairly deaf and can't understand why I am appearing on the TV, with himself in a wee box at the top of the screen. Last couple of calls he refused to believe that I was his wife, who is according to him, much younger and prettier!

All the above to say that I have come to realise the special torment of worry, guilt, loneliness. lack of a purpose, being redundant, that is reserved for those of us whose loved one is cared for by others, elsewhere. Now exacerbated by the daily Care Home Deaths statistics, which have taken away the comfort of knowing that our PWD is l looked after in a safe place.

 

[jelba]

Been a long 2 months not seen my mum my dad blames the care home for not letting see his wife but they are not to blame. Send flowers up to her but mum on middle floor she confined to bed had a covid test which was negative just want to see her again hopefully sooner than later

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

I have just spoken to staff at Mums care home, to check she received the photos and note I sent last week. Apparently its very very valuable to send anything to the residents and please send more. I asked about the soft toys which are like realistic dogs and cats and she said residents have responded very well to them so definitely give it a try. Im also going to send a poem that Mum used to quote to me. I've also been told my Mum just had a test and it came back negative (phew). I know for certain Mum would not be alive now had she not gone into care so I don't have any qualms about the care home. I just wish I could help them more.

 

[myss]

Just like the two of you above, my Mum also had the Covid-19 test done and has come back negative. I found out only a couple days ago. I am so so thankful and taken to praying every day that she continues to stay safe and well. At this time where we cannot be with our loved ones, I'm wishing you all the very same too x

 

[Bikerbeth]

I have just spoken to staff at Mums care home, to check she received the photos and note I sent last week. Apparently its very very valuable to send anything to the residents and please send more. I asked about the soft toys which are like realistic dogs and cats and she said residents have responded very well to them so definitely give it a try. Im also going to send a poem that Mum used to quote to me. I've also been told my Mum just had a test and it came back negative (phew). I know for certain Mum would not be alive now had she not gone into care so I don't have any qualms about the care home. I just wish I could help them more.

If it helps I took my Mum a toy Cavalier Charles Spaniel (the breed of the last dog she fostered for 5 years). I was not sure if Mum would hate it as childish or like it. I was so lucky to be able to see her reaction when she saw it (I was outside her room window) She had a massive smile on her face that lit up her eyes. So certainly a success in this case and hopefully she still likes it a day later!

 

[Wifenotcarer]

Had a call from the Home 8am yesterday morning and they put the Doctor local GP on the line. Oh had had a 'turn' early hours after feeling unwell during the day. Doctor said he had all the signs - drooping mouth, inarticulate, unable to use his right arm, resisting examination - of a stroke. Ambulance ordered to take OH to main hospital for tests. No! I could not see him or go with him. At noon I rang the hospital and was told that they had no patient of that name. Rang the Home and he was still there, apparently ambulance service overstretched. The good news was that OH was looking better and had eaten some lunch They very kindly let me see him briefly via Zoom. He was very confused, looked pale and mouth distinctly twisted. He did try to blow kisses but unable to raise his arm, instead blew a Raspberry and laughed.

After that had numerous calls back and forth with the home. He had fallen asleep in a chair after Tea, so they had put him to bed. Rang me at midnight and again at 5.00am to say still no ambulance but OH sleeping peacefully. OH still there until 7.30 this morning when ambulance finally arrived and by 8.30 he was having scan etc. Now I am waiting for a call from hospital (don't phone us, we will phone you) stuck indoors by the phone on tenterhooks, scared to phone anyone else in case they are trying to contact me.

Just when you think things cannot get any worse ...................................

 

[Sarasa]

Oh @Wifenotcarer, sorry to hear that, and so sorry that the overstretched service led to there being such a long delay before your husband was taken in for tests. I hope they get back to you pronto.

 

[nellbelles]

@Wifenotcarer what a difficult situation for you both, I hope you receive some positive news soon..

 

[canary]

What a nightmare!
I hope you have heard from th hospital by now
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[Wifenotcarer]

What a nightmare!
I hope you have heard from the hospital by now
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

No call from Hospital so I phoned them. OH is fine. He has had all the tests and if the results are "as they expect"??? he will be returned to Care Home later today. I am presuming they mean that nothing serious was found. Perhaps a small TIA occurred? Very relieved.

 

[DeeDee20]

No call from Hospital so I phoned them. OH is fine. He has had all the tests and if the results are "as they expect"??? he will be returned to Care Home later today. I am presuming they mean that nothing serious was found. Perhaps a small TIA occurred? Very relieved.

Great news!