Lock Down at Care Home

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
639
I live in Scotland and have been to visit my husband this afternoon under the new rules for visiting. I am heartbroken and I was very upset seeing him looking so frail and bent over in his wheelchair. He didn't seem to recognise me even though I have been skyping him during the lockdown, but must admit that this has not been very successful. My husband has been in the home since last November and seemed to have settled in well. Prior to this he was in hospital for 10 weeks as he had fallen in the day centre and broke both his hips. After the first operation he was seriously ill and suffered from delirium. In fact at one stage we thought we were going to lose him. Before being admitted to hospital he could walk unaided, wasn't incontinent, and although he had Alzheimer's and was challenging at least he was 'whole' and we would cuddle and kiss. We have been married for 54 years and he has always been my rock and the love of my life. I suffered a stroke 18 months ago and my left hand doesn't work properly, so some things are difficult for me without help. However I can drive my car which is a godsend. My husband didn't cope very well when I was in hospital and his Alzheimer's definitely deteriorated at this stage. Like others on this forum I feel that people with dementia have been let down badly during the lockdown. More aggression and medication seem to be common themes and this is all probably due to the lack of visitors and them not understanding why they are being abandoned. I copied 'intheloop's' verses on this forum entitled 'My heart is breaking for you' as I felt it encapsulated everything we are all probably feeling at this time. When I came back home this afternoon I phoned my son, who lives near London, to let him know how distressed I was seeing his Dad like that. My son is very supportive and phones me every morning to make sure that I am ok. We also zoom with his twin brother who lives in Australia and that cheers me up. Talking with the manager before I left the home she said that my husband has definitely deteriorated and is probably in the last stages of dementia. How do we carry on when life is so cruel. I like to think that I am a very positive person but I feel so helpless, what can I do to help the love of my life when he doesn't seem to recognise me anymore and seeing him so frail is heartbreaking. Oh to be able to hold his hand, give him a cuddle and a kiss again.
@Joyboy, my heart bleeds for you. I also wish with all my heart that I could hold my husband’s hand and cuddle and kiss him.
It’s all very well showing on television people visiting in lovely gardens. As the supervisor said these visits work for frail elderly people who understand the current situation but don't for people like ours are. We have been together for 46 years but in the officials eyes this doesn’t seem to count for anything.
As I said I’ve e mailed the senior manager but I’ll have wait until next week to see what if anything can be done as she is on annual leave, it’ll be a long week.
Take care x
 

Chaplin

Registered User
May 24, 2015
67
Bristol
After 14 long weeks I finally had a 20 minute socially distant appointment with my mum yesterday. My dad went with my sister last week and had a mixed visit. I went with my brother. As much as I was pleased to see her it was terribly sad. Despite daily calls and regular Skype calls, she was distressed and didn’t even recognise me, thinking I was my brothers wife! I took a long hard swallow and tried to make light of it but it broke my heart. She’s deteriorated so much, lost weight and just looks so sad. My brother found it hard but I tried all the distractions I could to try and make the most of our twenty minutes. I took some photos from a holiday we took in 1996 to visit family in Australia. I also took her a cake. She was allowed the cake yet the photos had to be quarantined for 72 hours. My dad took her flowers last week which she was allowed to have immediately. Happy to comply with rules for safety but frustrated by inconsistencies of application! The photos would have helped settle her but instead were snatched away along with any hope of seeing my mum smile! Not sure if she’s on a swift decline but hope I get to hug her again😢
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
639
After 14 long weeks I finally had a 20 minute socially distant appointment with my mum yesterday. My dad went with my sister last week and had a mixed visit. I went with my brother. As much as I was pleased to see her it was terribly sad. Despite daily calls and regular Skype calls, she was distressed and didn’t even recognise me, thinking I was my brothers wife! I took a long hard swallow and tried to make light of it but it broke my heart. She’s deteriorated so much, lost weight and just looks so sad. My brother found it hard but I tried all the distractions I could to try and make the most of our twenty minutes. I took some photos from a holiday we took in 1996 to visit family in Australia. I also took her a cake. She was allowed the cake yet the photos had to be quarantined for 72 hours. My dad took her flowers last week which she was allowed to have immediately. Happy to comply with rules for safety but frustrated by inconsistencies of application! The photos would have helped settle her but instead were snatched away along with any hope of seeing my mum smile! Not sure if she’s on a swift decline but hope I get to hug her again😢
@Chaplin, where my husband is I was told nothing is allowed to be taken in, but he’s needed new clothes and I’ve taken those before this visit so again frustrated by inconsistency
Hugs would be good hope we all get some sooner rather than later x
 

Joyboy

New member
Apr 29, 2020
4
Baker 17 I hope that you get a satisfactory response from the senior manager. I am able to take goodies for my husband with no apparent restrictions. Initially during the lockdown I have being going down to the home, 7 miles away, with the goodies and packs of pull up pants, which the home doesn't provide. I timed my visits whilst my husband was having lunch so that he didn't see me and get upset. I also took down an A4 sheet and printed off different family photos each week and a little messge telling my husband how much I missed him and loved him. Apparently he seemed to like receiving them. Unfortunately things have really gone downhill over the last month or so. Take care and stay safe. x
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
639
Baker 17 I hope that you get a satisfactory response from the senior manager. I am able to take goodies for my husband with no apparent restrictions. Initially during the lockdown I have being going down to the home, 7 miles away, with the goodies and packs of pull up pants, which the home doesn't provide. I timed my visits whilst my husband was having lunch so that he didn't see me and get upset. I also took down an A4 sheet and printed off different family photos each week and a little messge telling my husband how much I missed him and loved him. Apparently he seemed to like receiving them. Unfortunately things have really gone downhill over the last month or so. Take care and stay safe. x
@Joyboy from what’s been said on here about all differences about taking thing things to the home it seems they are just making it up as they go along. Just last Saturday when I did a window visit I took a cushion in, couldn’t resist buying it, it said you are wonderful. I do like my cushions and I was laughing to myself cos I could just here my husband saying ‘ not another cushion’ lol, but this week cos it’s a garden visit I’m not allowed to take anything🤷‍♀️
Virtual hugs (( )) x
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,951
Dorset
@Joyboy from what’s been said on here about all differences about taking thing things to the home it seems they are just making it up as they go along. Just last Saturday when I did a window visit I took a cushion in, couldn’t resist buying it, it said you are wonderful. I do like my cushions and I was laughing to myself cos I could just here my husband saying ‘ not another cushion’ lol, but this week cos it’s a garden visit I’m not allowed to take anything🤷‍♀️
Virtual hugs (( )) x
Ludicrous isn’t it!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,425
Bedford
My heart goes out to all of you that have not had successful visits.
I took in summer clothes for Mum as she had none and they went straight to the laundry. Mum’s home seems ok with anything that can be wiped over. They seem to prefer flowers directly from a florist which I don’t understand
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
125
North East England UK
Saw the news on the BBC today. Care home staff yesterday said I wouldnt be able to visit anyway yet as I am Shelding (Extremely clincally Vulnerable).
I cannnot see a visit working even if I get permission to go inside and not socally distance, as I would still have to wear a mask, and Mum would not understand, and might not recognise me. I dont think it would be in her best interests. Its about whats best for her nowadays.
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
639
It’s just been on Jeremy Vine about visits and lack off, bit a short discussion I thought. I did send a text but it wasn’t read out.