Morvern,
Just to let you know, my father is now 61 (almost 62) and we have been living with his dementia for almost 7 yrs now. His original diagnosis was early onset dementia, but has been reconsidered as fronto-temporal dementia of the alzheimer's type because he has tended to display a lot more of the fronto-temporal area of brain damage than straight alzheimer symptoms. I.e. he doesn't appear to forget things so much as have trouble still telling his body to do things, trouble finding words rather than forgets them, and these days it has gotten to the point where he basically doesn't speak, but yells or says nothing or says words on the odd occasion but you are never sure if his words have meaning or if they are random words that his brain has spat out but weren't meant to convey meaning.
Wanting to run away, I know the feeling, wanting to be able to leave Dad on someone else's doorstep, the thought crossed my mind many a time...what would society do, if we weren't around to look after him, why do we have to look after him? Mind you, I say all this whilst loving my Dad to bits and being devestated even now 7 yrs later by his diagnosis and prognosis. Your mind just tends to play with these kinds of ideas, looking for a way out of this horrible situation. I even used to amuse myself with the idea of framing dad for a crime so that the state would look after him! Maybe we are the ones who go crazy and they are the more normal??
A lot of what is difficult about this disease is also managing to still remember the person your loved one was, remembering that the horrible nasty person you see, is not really them, but a manifestation of the disease, but also tempering this saintly forgiveness with an expectation that your loved one is still somewhat responsible for their behaviours...you can't let them get away with every horrible behaviour but you have to realise that you can never be 100% sure if it was the 'real' them or the disease that was responsible. If you let yourself believe that all their behaviours are a manifestation of the disease then whats the point of fighting for them, caring for them, when they no longer appear to be there? If you let yourself think though that all these behaviours are theirs, their choice, then it wouldn't be long before you could no longer love this new version of your husband (or in my case my father) and again there would seem little point to fight for them, or care for them.
But you and I, and quite a many others are trapped in this weird no-man's land, and will be so for a long time yet. We can't give up because we have not only our loved one needing us, but often other family members as well...although sometimes giving up seems like the only thing we desperately want to do. So all I can say Morvern is take advantage of this website, any time you want to scream, do bloody murder, when the unfairness of the situation seems all too much, come here and spit it all out. Most of the time you will find someone who understands, other times you will just find good people who offer hugs and suggest advice, and other times again, even if no one understands nor can help, its a goddamn relief just to get all the pain and frustration and stress out rather than keeping it all bottled up inside. Last but not least, this website and its members can give an awful lot of practical advice to carers as they come across new obstacles each day along the path of these dementia diseases.
Good luck, and I will always be here to send a message to if you need someone's ear.