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Living with my mum who has dementia

April100

Registered User
Nov 13, 2016
13
Hi April 100 Struggling with this software and finding the messages again that I want to answer but wanted to make sure that I had said thank you for your really helful reply and that I have the utmost respect for you, your patience, coping strategies and the skills that you have developed in caring for your mum. Your situation is way more difficult than mine as my mum sleeps so much. Hope you have a good day.
Lalafatma, thank you for your kind words. I'm not sure I deserve them - there are plenty of times I feel like howling at the moon, running away, shouting (and more frequently these days as my mother's cognitive function deteriorates) - luckily all those thoughts stay in my head and don't come out of my mouth.
 

Buckeroo

Registered User
Apr 16, 2020
26
Oh dear - this is all so very sad. All your comments ring true. Dementia is a diagnosis for us all. My m 85yr old other is in total denial. Still thinks that her diagnosis is a "possibility" but "how thankful I haven't got it yet". Constant battles, constant rages then tears that dry up as quickly as they appear, often very agitated, no real conversation - all health related or constant questions asking what we have seen to make us think there is anything wrong with her. Thinks we have colluded with the doctors (especially me as her daughter). When for the 100th time I remain silent (or I would explode) then the school-teacher behaviour surfaces with anger, forcing me to answer - so I lie!

Won't accept help, fights with my father, calls him a liar daily as her recollection of things is different to hers. She has always been tricky but dementia making these traits so much worse.

I am being totally blunt but returned from a horrific weekend with our "oldies" (as we affectionately have called them for years) and I'm a mixture of anger, restatement and great sadness. I can see what would help, and give both my mother and elderly father a much better quality of live (any quality of live actually) but my mother goes off the deep end if I even suggest food help; social interaction/company etc ...... We have privately engaged a retired trained nurse administering her medication daily since last May 2020 (I do it at weekends) but my mother still maintains she is more than capable of doing all this herself; she most certainly isn't as overdosed last May, day in hospital, no harm done but help obviously needed. Also medication must be kept off site as she thinks they are being stolen. All very real to her, as are her clothes being taken ..... etc etc etc .....

It is the most awful, depressing; debilitating environment which despite many suggestions of happy activities, lots of encouragement and masses of love and care, is falling on deaf ears and worse than pushing water up hill as my mother will not have non of it, very stubborn, thinks she knows best - but still complains endlessly of every ailment on the planet (which she has actually done for as long as I can remember so finding it hard to find the much needed sympathy and empathy now that she really needs it ).

Lockdown, their savings over the threshold and only being on the brink of additional help required is preventing any outside, professional help. We are having to work through all this fog by the seat of our pants and enjoy the good moments (getting fewer) and wanting to run away permanently when bad. Selfish I know but just being honest. I hate it all. And there are many more going through much, much worse.

My thoughts and very best wishes are sent to you all going through this hell with us. This forum is a life -saver and reminds me we're not alone. Thank you hugely. You make a real difference to our mental wellbeing as we all learn to cope with this horrible disease.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
870
Oh dear - this is all so very sad. All your comments ring true. Dementia is a diagnosis for us all. My m 85yr old other is in total denial. Still thinks that her diagnosis is a "possibility" but "how thankful I haven't got it yet". Constant battles, constant rages then tears that dry up as quickly as they appear, often very agitated, no real conversation - all health related or constant questions asking what we have seen to make us think there is anything wrong with her. Thinks we have colluded with the doctors (especially me as her daughter). When for the 100th time I remain silent (or I would explode) then the school-teacher behaviour surfaces with anger, forcing me to answer - so I lie!

Won't accept help, fights with my father, calls him a liar daily as her recollection of things is different to hers. She has always been tricky but dementia making these traits so much worse.

I am being totally blunt but returned from a horrific weekend with our "oldies" (as we affectionately have called them for years) and I'm a mixture of anger, restatement and great sadness. I can see what would help, and give both my mother and elderly father a much better quality of live (any quality of live actually) but my mother goes off the deep end if I even suggest food help; social interaction/company etc ...... We have privately engaged a retired trained nurse administering her medication daily since last May 2020 (I do it at weekends) but my mother still maintains she is more than capable of doing all this herself; she most certainly isn't as overdosed last May, day in hospital, no harm done but help obviously needed. Also medication must be kept off site as she thinks they are being stolen. All very real to her, as are her clothes being taken ..... etc etc etc .....

It is the most awful, depressing; debilitating environment which despite many suggestions of happy activities, lots of encouragement and masses of love and care, is falling on deaf ears and worse than pushing water up hill as my mother will not have non of it, very stubborn, thinks she knows best - but still complains endlessly of every ailment on the planet (which she has actually done for as long as I can remember so finding it hard to find the much needed sympathy and empathy now that she really needs it ).

Lockdown, their savings over the threshold and only being on the brink of additional help required is preventing any outside, professional help. We are having to work through all this fog by the seat of our pants and enjoy the good moments (getting fewer) and wanting to run away permanently when bad. Selfish I know but just being honest. I hate it all. And there are many more going through much, much worse.

My thoughts and very best wishes are sent to you all going through this hell with us. This forum is a life -saver and reminds me we're not alone. Thank you hugely. You make a real difference to our mental wellbeing as we all learn to cope with this horrible disease.
Hello Buckaroo. I often wonder how you are getting on. Still doing a good job I see, even though it might not feel like it sometimes. Hang on to the those good moments!
 

sky90

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
46
Eastsussex
Is anyone else living with an elderly frail mum with vascular dementia? She has no other carers. I have had very good support from a community dementia adviser but would love to be in contact with others in my situation.

Hello i hope you and your mum are well.
I care for my mum who is 62. Im always here if you fancy a chat. It can be lonely at times xx
 

Buckeroo

Registered User
Apr 16, 2020
26
How very kind and generous of you to send such uplifting replies. Thank you so much, it really does help. I feel so selfish that I gain far more support from you all than I give out. I must redress this balance ....

I have such good intentions and loathe how I feel so irritated and angry within seconds of arriving for my regular stays with my parents. I know my mother cannot help her condition but my goodness she makes it so hard to care for her. And it would be cruel to keep reminding her of her diagnosis so we tell "kind" lies and never argue with her but she questions and dissects everything, over and over, detail for detail - questioning constantly then out of the blue we get a glimpse of rational, less stressed mother. A whirlwind of emotions from her and keeps us spining in all directions too!

We will continue to nurture and keep them safe - and with good grace if I dig deep enough. I know its my failing and I must try harder!

Thank you to you for responding. Truly appreciated, truly.
 

Buckeroo

Registered User
Apr 16, 2020
26
Hello i hope you and your mum are well.
I care for my mum who is 62. Im always here if you fancy a chat. It can be lonely at times xx
My goodness, your mum is young to have this horrible condition. I am so sorry. Please know you are not alone (as my tirade this morning proved). You are doing a wonderful job in keeping your mother safe - but look after yourself too - lots of choccy treats!!

Stay safe and we are all out there doing out "bit" with you - a real dementia army!
 

Buckeroo

Registered User
Apr 16, 2020
26
Hello Buckaroo. I often wonder how you are getting on. Still doing a good job I see, even though it might not feel like it sometimes. Hang on to the those good moments!
you are so kind - thank you. What a fabulous support you are and much needed this Monday morning with another lockdown looming. Stay safe and thank you again