1. Lovingfami1y

    Lovingfami1y Registered User

    Jun 5, 2008
    2
    Hi..

    Here's the scenario. Jim's wife died last year, and since then he's been 'home alone' and quite happy with his own company. Although he is mainly living on takeaways, and rarely washing these days, we have put a few systems in place.. popping round and helping fill up his weekly medicines etc.. He's not lossing weight, and he's just about 'making do'. His son has a wife and two children, age 13 and 10. Their family run business is struggling, they're needing to move house, and they want to move in with Jim, helping him out, and there are enough bedrooms for them all. Jim thinks this is a bad idea. He likes his own space, he's worried about whether it'll work. He wants to help his son out, and we all want Jim to be safe and supported, but not in any way that he doesn't want for himself.

    So, I'm looking to see what we need to take into account. If Jim decides that he does want them to move in, then what do they need to know? (they know nothing about alzheimers, and Jim is only showing early signs at the moment. He is still driving, uses the date from a daily newspaper and a diary to work out what he's doing each day, and getting by with us popping round to do his washing, which his wife always used to do)

    Please help with suggestions of some of the issues we need to raise. To my mind, if Jim doesn't want it, he doesn't want it full stop.. but he's going to need some help sooner or later.. His sone and family are open to looking at all the issues and all eventualities, and making a plan now for future events...

    Thank you

    x
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi, welcome to TP.

    To my mind, if Jim doesn't want this, no-one has the right to impose it on him. It's not easy even for parents living with teenagers, and if Jim is happy on his own, that scenario might be intolerable for him.

    On the other hand, Jim is at some stage going to need some help. Has he been diagnosed with Alzheimer's? If not, that should be the first move, to get a diagnosis and see what help social services can offer.

    If you want to learn more about AD, the society's factsheets should help.

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheets

    Do you mind if I ask if you are a relative, or a friend?
     
  3. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    I would agree with you except...that you are already helping him with meds, and he lives on takeaways (I assume food brought home from a resteraunt?...sorry in the US here) What goes on when the weather is bad? Is he really eating, a person can maintain an ideal weight after they have gotten up in age on very little. Do the children understand what is going on with grandpa? They could lead to extra anxiety in later years if they were to move in. My daughter was very nice in that she put having friends over on hold. MOm had tried to take the keys away from her when all she was doing was getting them for me. Mom thought her friends had convinced her to go for a joy ride. It is still hard in the sense tho' that the mother will want to know friends. If there is a way of doing an apartment type arrangement I would seriously recommend it.

    From the sons point I would be thinking in long term also. If he is trying to keep dad out of a home it would be ideal.

    I guess to help the whole thing thru I would suggest maybe a trial period. Perhaps they could live with him while they look for a home and get back on feet. The new home could have enough room for him to move into eventually and if it is working out..then everyone could conveniently forget it was for a trial period.


    HUGS

    Nancy
     
  4. Lovingfami1y

    Lovingfami1y Registered User

    Jun 5, 2008
    2
    What do they need to think of?

    Thanks guys for those ideas.. Jim was diagnosed with Alzheimers three years ago.. he's unsure of whether he wants them there or not.. Most of the time he says he doesn't.. he says they wont get on, he likes his space.. and then he starts talking about which rooms the grandchildren would have.. I don't think his son and daughter in law understand what they would be letting themsleves in for, and I don't think they are hearing him saying that it's not what he wants!

    I'm fairly neutral in this.. I'm a close friend of the family and I live nearer than they do. I think he could do with some help around the house, but I don't know how he'd cope with them moving in..

    If they do move in, how can they start hearing him? How can he not get swept away with being treated like one of the kids? Who will hear him if he doesn't feel it's working out?

    ..and how will they separate the bills etc.. the business is struggling... how can Jim be protected from their financial needs?

    Thank you for helping me work this out.. I'm not sure who is supporting Jim in meeting his own needs right now, and he likes talking to me.. I just hope I can help him get his point accross.. but I think he also needs to be realistic about his future and his need for support. What else should I be thinking of?

    x
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I'd suggest that the first thing to do is to see a solicitor. Whether or not the family move in, Jim is going to need to give Power of Attorney to someone. I'd suggest that he gives it to his son and someone else, perhaps you, perhaps the solicitor, so that someone keeps a check on where his money is going. I'm pretty sure that if the son used his dad's money, he'd be in trouble if Jim had to go into care.

    Another possible problem is whether the house would need to be sold to fund care, if that should be needed. I'm not sure of the law on that one, if the son was living in the house, but it's worth checking.

    There are all sorts of legal complications here. perhaps you should contact the AS legal helpline to get more information.
     
  6. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    I agree with Hazel, but I also have this to say....and I am not trying to step on toes....he is already at a state it seems to me where he needs to start having care measures put in place, and unless you are willing to be his carer for the rest of his natural life you as a friend should also be supporting the family in wanting to take care of him. AD patients are not capable of making the decisions needed to keep himself/herself safe. I lived next door to my mother and let her stay in her home as long as possible. She would tell me she had eaten when infact she had not. Alot of things went unnoticed because she was capable of "just surviving".

    I can also speak from the distance issue as mom had tried to get her mother to move down to where we lived (A 5 hour trip) but she had a woman neighbor (and I do mean next door!) Would tell grandmother "Oh we will miss you so...don't leave us. We have such fun together." My grandmother was a strong woman but even the strongest get weak. Mom got a call from her dr. (while she was at work!) telling her that grandmother could not live alone anymore. MY grandmother was not given the chance to make friends without cancer looming in the background. My mother (thank god my dad was alive, was a weak minded person) There was business that had to be taken care of that my grandmother had to have done, she would have gladly done it herself. My grandmother regretted the extra problems created by her not moving.

    His son and dil are willing to move and AD patients are not known for being totally decisive for themselvesf. One moment they don't want the next they do. They are capable in early stages of making changes still. AD carers are also a different lot, believe me if his son cannot handle it they will be moving along, but for someone to say they will not hear or who will speak for him....I think the only person really capable of that is someone who TRULY cares. Call me old fashioned but if a family member wants to and it can help the whole I feel that it should be given a chance. Caring for a late stage AD patient is not cake walk and I have watched many good intentioned friend fall off the face of the earth because it is just too much. Once again, I am not trying to step on toes and there are exceptions to the rule.

    HUGS

    Nancy
     

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