Like a Hyperactive toddler...

[Rageddy Anne]

Maybe yesterday was an extra special day....After weeks of seeming not to like me and blaming me for not rescuing him from his predicament, yesterday Rob said nothing would make him happier than if we could spend the rest of our lives together, please. He supposed that might be about thirty years...I said we'd be about a hundred and seven, and we laughed about it together. We'd been sitting out in the newish garden, and I'd been chattering about which plants and bushes would make it even nicer....he said he was pleased that we owned this place now.

Everything about the Home was good yesterday, plenty of tea or coffee, and Rob was comfortable and quite calm. In fact, every one of the " guests" seemed calm. Perhaps it was a particularly good group of Carers, or perhaps he's being helped by the new tablets he's been prescribed, because it's been confirmed he is borderline diabetic... A nurse took a tiny blood sample before his meal, to compare with another one afterwards...

( There's also that puzzling fact that the moon is no longer full.)

 

[Grannie G]

This is just how it happened for my husband Anne.

He was so agitated and angry and antagonistic towards me. Once in residential care he settled into his new environment and became so much more contented, he was always pleased to see me.

At home he said he was lonely. The time was when he wasn`t mobile or well enough to go out. In the home there were comings and goings and others around him, with none of the pressures of social interaction and it made our lives so much better.

 

[sleepless]

What a positive day you had, Raggedy Anne. I hope it was one of many to come.

 

[nae sporran]

Good to hear your Rob is settling in to his new home, Anne. C is a diabetic, so I hope the Home are very careful on what they are feeding him and giving him to drink.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Disappointment...

The good days didn't last. This week isn't the same at all....there's no change in the residents, but the Carers seem to be disorganised. We've seen them on several occasions standing in groups talking while a roomful of residents has been left unattended and needing attention. Carers gather at the hub by the entrance and reception desk .we know they need to talk to each other, but residents are being ignored to the point that they're getting agitated.

One resident keeps walking his armchair towards the door of the main sitting room, and blocking it, so that others, needing the loo, can't get past..Some of them became worried, and one unsteady old lady got out of her chair and tottered over to the man in his chair and remonstrated. It was obvious that a Carer was needed to sort things out, and one Carer intent on dispensing medication actually pushed past them both, and got busy changing a lady's patch. Very important I know, but she could have called to the other Carers, they could be heard just outside talking. It was quite a while before someone came.

I was having difficulty keeping Rob from getting agitated..His instinct is to sort things out, it's what he used to do, and he said in a loud voice " what they need is to be managed properly" and I couldn't have agreed more.

One day my daughter in law visited quite late, and only one agency Carer had been left to cope alone, but disappeared, so my DIL ended up clearing the cups, and then having asingalong with the unsupervised residents.IN THE END SHE HAD TO INTERRUPT A STAFF MEETING THAT HAD GONE ON FOR OVER 30 MINUTES!

One evening some friends visited Rob, intending to stay just a short time, but first they had to knock and ring for over five minutes to be let in, and when they were sitting with Rob in his room, the Carers all disappeared, and they ended up with all the wandering residents in the room with them!

I spoke to the manager about a bathroom concern that hadn't been addressed, and she agreed that it wasn't good, and added that I should keep on telling the staff about it. Isn't that her job?

There's obviously a management weakness, and too few Carers in place....something needs to be done....Another place I know has regular meetings for relatives to air their ideas...something like that needs to be arranged....I think my daughter in law would be a good person to organise that, maybe something to think about....

 

[Kjn]

Anne , have you tried looking elsewhere? This has been going on badly long enough, Rob needs somewhere settling him and you.
It isn't your job to sort this home out.

 

[sleepless]

The good days didn't last. This week isn't the same at all....there's no change in the residents, but the Carers seem to be disorganised. We've seen them on several occasions standing in groups talking while a roomful of residents has been left unattended and needing attention. Carers gather at the hub by the entrance and reception desk .we know they need to talk to each other, but residents are being ignored to the point that they're getting agitated.

One resident keeps walking his armchair towards the door of the main sitting room, and blocking it, so that others, needing the loo, can't get past..Some of them became worried, and one unsteady old lady got out of her chair and tottered over to the man in his chair and remonstrated. It was obvious that a Carer was needed to sort things out, and one Carer intent on dispensing medication actually pushed past them both, and got busy changing a lady's patch. Very important I know, but she could have called to the other Carers, they could be heard just outside talking. It was quite a while before someone came.

I was having difficulty keeping Rob from getting agitated..His instinct is to sort things out, it's what he used to do, and he said in a loud voice " what they need is to be managed properly" and I couldn't have agreed more.

One day my daughter in law visited quite late, and only one agency Carer had been left to cope alone, but disappeared, so my DIL ended up clearing the cups, and then having asingalong with the unsupervised residents.IN THE END SHE HAD TO INTERRUPT A STAFF MEETING THAT HAD GONE ON FOR OVER 30 MINUTES!

One evening some friends visited Rob, intending to stay just a short time, but first they had to knock and ring for over five minutes to be let in, and when they were sitting with Rob in his room, the Carers all disappeared, and they ended up with all the wandering residents in the room with them!

I spoke to the manager about a bathroom concern that hadn't been addressed, and she agreed that it wasn't good, and added that I should keep on telling the staff about it. Isn't that her job?

There's obviously a management weakness, and too few Carers in place....something needs to be done....Another place I know has regular meetings for relatives to air their ideas...something like that needs to be arranged....I think my daughter in law would be a good person to organise that, maybe something to think about....

I agree that the manager should deal with any concerns you raise, and it is her job, not yours, to make sure her staff act on these concerns.
As to 'relatives and residents' meetings, it depends what they are for.
My family and I used to take it in turns to attend these at Dad's previous care home, and inevitably laundry issues figured highly. But the manager told one relative that 'this not the time or place to discuss the laundry' and carried on talking about upcoming 'improvements' and proposed changes which often never materialised. We stopped attending the meetings, and would raise any issues with the senior carer, as this manager was hardly ever available to speak to.
Try to speak to the manager, making it clear that you expect her to take your concerns forward, or you will have to take it further up the chain eg head office.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

THANKYOU Sleepless....you might not see this of course.....

I think I just want to make his place better for all sixty odd people stuck there.... But as you say, not my job....

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Anne , have you tried looking elsewhere? This has been going on badly long enough, Rob needs somewhere settling him and you.
It isn't your job to sort this home out.

Looking, but not finding....Will keep trying....

 

[LadyA]

William's nursing home had monthly meetings with residents & any relatives that wanted to attend. They also had an independent Advocate that used to go in regularly and visit everyone she could. Basically, she was there for people to talk to if they were not comfortable with complaining directly. As you know, there is always a fear that a complaint will impact negatively on our loved ones in care, particularly if it's about a staff member. I never had to use the advocate, but she always made sure she had got round to everyone before the meetings. She was a volunteer - a nun from a nearby convent.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Someone like your lovely nun is exactly what would help, Lady A. Some Carers are naturally good, others need the odd gentle nudge, but most of all, they need someone to manage their activities...so they're acting as a team, and not lurking in meetings ....

I could move my husband, though that would be an unknown and an upheaval for him, and this place is convenient for his visitors, who generally cheer him up. Some of the other residents are sweet, and I'd like to see an improvement for them too....

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Visited husband today in his Care Home, my friend always gives him a lovely perfumed hug, and he likes that. He seemed calmer....a couple of days before I discovered by accident that he'd been prescribed Risperidone, and no one had told me. He had that at home and soon it didn't help, might have made things worse. He became a bit agitated towards the end of our 4 hour visit....

Last week they had tumble dried a pair of his shoes and written them off, profuse apologies but IT HAPPENED, and one of his slippers has been missing for four days...He Now has athletes foot, which he never got before.

The Care quality Commission were there, and grabbed me...and I was fed up, so I gave it to them with both barrels!

So it will be interesting to see how nice, or otherwise, they'll be to me and Rob at the care home tomorrow. I felt justified in speaking for the other residents who have no one to speak for them.....but it could be that I'll be looking for somewhere else very soon! Or, perhaps things will improve.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hello CardiffLady. Sorry to read of your mother's busy nights...you must be so worn down by the interrupted sleep! That was the worst part of living with my husband Rob's Dementia, because I was kept busy all day, and the broken nights just did for me. After some setbacks I managed to get some respite when a Care Home accepted him on a temporary basis, and it was then that I realised how drained and poorly I'd become. He is still there, and I'm still exhausted, three months later.

Part of my tiredness now is, I think, due to worries about how he's being " managed" in the CareHome, but I was very grateful that they took him at all.

Is your mother alone? Any chance of finding someone to spend a night or two with her? Latterly we had a nice chap who would stay overnight once a week, while I stayed at my son's. That one night made a big difference.

I do feel for you...hoping you can find some help...

 

[Sam Luvit]

Thankyou, lovely kind people....sorry to rant.


One of my husband's regular obsessional worries has been finance......,. So I haven't been able to sort out the finances that he insisted on managing himself. I know he got rid of a financial adviser against my protests, and seems to have destroyed all paperwork relating to him.

I think our remaining funds would last for about three months, not much more, and less than that if we needed money for the car, or to replace our elderly boiler.

So where would that leave us? I was planning to use the respite to find someone to help me with the finance side of things. But without the respite.......
....[/QUOTE

Hi Rageddy Anne

I hope you don't mind, I'm new to all this in regards to caring, so can only offer suggestions from my "previous" life

You may not feel up to this, but may find doing a bit at a time helps, hopefully it will also give you a feeling of control in one area

I appreciate you are concentrating on everything going on at the home, but the finance situation is likely to be in the back of your mind and may be adding to your worries

I suggest you get a list of all standing orders and direct debits from your bank(s), check they should all still be live:
TV licence, are you entitled to it for free if you are over a certain age, but still paying.
Car insurance/tax, are you still paying but no longer have a car
Club memberships you no longer use
Council tax 25% reduction if you are the only adult in the house
If any need to be cancelled, phone & explain, many will refund a few months, some will refund more

If you can't find a bank statement, go into the bank & ask them to give you the last full month print out, it should be free, while requesting a copy often costs

Write out a list of all your income from the bank statements & all your outgoing.
This will give you peace of mind about how you are managing
This will also tell you what your level of saving are in cash

If you have any stock & shares, ISA's, investments, you need to add the value to your cash balance

If you are unsure, you can probably find intest / dividend payments into your bank account & get the bank to tell you what those payments are from

The level of saving will be the main thing taken into account when seeing if you can get funding

You do not have to wait until you have nothing left, you are allowed to have savings & still get help. For a lot of services, this is £16k, for some it may be higher

You talked of a Financial Adviser, which implies investments and / or additional income / pensions etc & possibly the need for a Self Assessment? The deadline is not till the end of Jan, so no panic. If this is the case, ask around about tax advisors as they tend to be cheaper & can do this for a fixed fee

I don't want to overload you, you have more than enough & are trying to rest, but if you want any more info, just ask

I'm sure this site will have private messages, if you prefer, just let me knee you've sent one, I'm sure I'll find it too!!

I hope things are improving

Big hugs <3

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hello Sam...How very kind of you....sorry you find yourself dealing with " all this" but this Forum is a great support network...and it helps to share concerns with others who understand, and share support to others as well.

Yes, it's trying to get my head round the finances while supporting my husband in his less than perfect care home that's the challenge.

Main difficulty is my husband only has one bank account and its shared. It used to work well, his pension was paid in, utilities etc were paid by direct debit, and we lived comfortably. He had an ISA and one stocks and shares portfolio. The financial adviser who helped with that was dismissed and I can't find any reference to him...never even knew his name, except he was with Chase de Vere. Our mortgage is paid, and we are tenants in common.

I was a dependent wife who supported him in his career, so I have nothing but the state pension. I had some small savings in a seperate bank account, and a lump sum in another, what was left after my parents died.

It was all so simple until Dementia struck, he wouldn't accept the diagnosis and refused to prepare in any way. Now he can't cope and trusts me to take care of things. I have finance Power of Attorney, but my main worry is the joint account...Might the bank freeze it? I've paid for all his care home bills out of my own money, and continue with the joint account and the direct debits.

Tried once to get the gas bill into my name , but they said his is the first name and they will only talk to him.

If I wasn't so darned tired I could cope, but just haven't got the energy, and can't think of anyone who might help. We have two offspring but they're too busy with their work to have time to help.They say not to worry, use my money and they'll help when it runs out.

I DONT SUPPOSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH WORRIES LIKE THIS, AND I WISH THERE WAS SOME AGENCY THAT COULD HELP, BUT I DONT KNOW OF ONE. AMONG MY FRIENDS MOST OF THEM DONT REALISE JUST HOW COMPLEX TH FINANCES CAN BE WHEN DEMENTIA ..IS THE ISSUE..

 

[Kjn]

Hi RA
My parents have a joint account , is that what you mean you have? It was dads pensions that went into it , mum has a separate account where her small state pension goes.
We have POA for dad and can manage all of his accounts, isa etc.
We were advised to open a separate account for dad or leave him with the joint one for SS purposes, mum will receive half of his occupational pension.
In your case , have you been into the bank to speak to them. I found them very helpful with me having POA.
Age uk advised me also on finance via phone .

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hello Kjn,
THANKYOU.....

I never thought of Age Uk, except I got a brilliant bargain jacket from one of their shops last week! Never thought to ask for help, we are both only 77 but I guess we might qualify...

A while back on here I saw something about our bank freezing a joint account, and that frightened me to bits, so I've never approached them.

Maybe I should trust our bank to help, but you read so much about banks doing unspeakable things....

The silly thing is, apart from Attendance Allowance and a council tax adjustment, right from the start we've never had a single offer of help, just some advice at diagnosis to look at finances, which my husband said didn't apply to us as the diagnosis was rubbish. Everything we've ever had, we've paid for.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Raggedy Anne
you've been given lots of thoughtful ideas about managing your finances
so just to say CAB and the AS helpline are there to help too

when I went into the bank to organise the Power of Attorney over dad's accounts with them, it was all straight forward - I took in a certified copy of the POA and some Identification for me (something official with a photo eg driver's licence or passport then a utility bill/bank statement in my name with my address - the bank will tell you what they accept if you phone beforehand and make an appointment - I also took in a letter to dad at his care home and something from his house address (not sure that I needed to)
the change over was pretty much done immediately, no accounts were frozen - I was even given a keypad for internet banking there and then (I do recommend you set everything up to run with as many Direct Debits as possible for bills and to manage online)
the manager went over all dad's accounts with me
I appreciate we read about the bad experiences with banks - they are the minority; very few customers etc broadcast the good service they receive every day

I'd also suggest you organise all utility accounts so that you can deal with them online eg giving regular up to date meter readings, so that you don't overpay, and checking you are on the cheapest tariff is so much easier online - I believe the POA covers you doing this

maybe too, have a chat with CAB about your position, there may be other benefits or services you are entitled to

best wishes

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hello Sam...How very kind of you....sorry you find yourself dealing with " all this" but this Forum is a great support network...and it helps to share concerns with others who understand, and share support to others as well.

Yes, it's trying to get my head round the finances while supporting my husband in his less than perfect care home that's the challenge.

Main difficulty is my husband only has one bank account and its shared. It used to work well, his pension was paid in, utilities etc were paid by direct debit, and we lived comfortably. He had an ISA and one stocks and shares portfolio. The financial adviser who helped with that was dismissed and I can't find any reference to him...never even knew his name, except he was with Chase de Vere. Our mortgage is paid, and we are tenants in common.

I was a dependent wife who supported him in his career, so I have nothing but the state pension. I had some small savings in a seperate bank account, and a lump sum in another, what was left after my parents died.

It was all so simple until Dementia struck, he wouldn't accept the diagnosis and refused to prepare in any way. Now he can't cope and trusts me to take care of things. I have finance Power of Attorney, but my main worry is the joint account...Might the bank freeze it? I've paid for all his care home bills out of my own money, and continue with the joint account and the direct debits.

Tried once to get the gas bill into my name , but they said his is the first name and they will only talk to him.

If I wasn't so darned tired I could cope, but just haven't got the energy, and can't think of anyone who might help. We have two offspring but they're too busy with their work to have time to help.They say not to worry, use my money and they'll help when it runs out.

I DONT SUPPOSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH WORRIES LIKE THIS, AND I WISH THERE WAS SOME AGENCY THAT COULD HELP, BUT I DONT KNOW OF ONE. AMONG MY FRIENDS MOST OF THEM DONT REALISE JUST HOW COMPLEX TH FINANCES CAN BE WHEN DEMENTIA ..IS THE ISSUE..

Hi RA

I've been asking about support "for me" for about a year & finaly got pointed to this, I've been lurking around reading lots if stories, some a bit scarey of what may happen, but I'm holding onto "one size does not fit all" & hope my mum is easier. I can hope

I feel I'm giving a tiny bit back by doing this

If by shared, you mean joint account, where you both had (or could have had) cash point cards, the statement is "Mr & Mrs xxx", then you have the right to use the money as far as the bank is concerned. If you can't find your cash point card, ask for another & a new PIN. If you are not sure, do the "I'm sorry I can't remember if this is our account or just his, can I have a cashpoint card for this account". The bank will only give you a cashpoint card if you are allowed to spend the money

As you have financial POA, even if the account is just his, you can operate the account on his behalf. (Think of it like looking after your children's account when they were little, as in, it's not your money to buy a new coat, but yours to buy them one).

You will only need to do the next bit if the account is NOT joint, but it is worth starting on letting people know now, so things are easier later

Some banks are brilliant & accept the POA, others may take some time, checking with Head Office etc, but keep pushing. Make an appointment, take in the original POA, ID for both of you, letter from the home saying he is in there, the more paperwork you hand over the better.

If you do a Google search for "Chase de Vere" & make a list of the phone numbers as you call them, you should be able to find your old FA (Financial Adviser). If the FA only dealt with your husband, not you, there could be data protection issues with confirming they are the right one

However. More than one way to skin a cat. So, you ask them to confirm they are NOT the right FA. If you explain you have financial POA, so can operate his finances, you just need to find the right one, they may agree to a "short" meeting to confirm that

I know it's frustrating but breaking Data Protection is a big fine for the FA & the firm they work for. So, try to be patient with them.

Another option, which may be quicker, is to call HMRC, (0300 200 3310), you will need his NI Number as identification. Again, Data Protection, so ask them to write to him & confirm if he has to complete a Self Assessment form & to confirm details of his Agent (that's the person who completed his Self Assessment)

The gas bill. Been there with phone bill. In the end I told them I was cancelling, when they said I would have to pay, I told them they couldn't have it both ways. Either put it in my name or chase him for the money!!!

Phone the gas people & tell them to write to your husband confirming when your contract ends. About 6 weeks before that date (or now if ended), find a different company, tell them to do the change & put both your names on the bill, or you as first name. Let them do the cancelling. Both companies will write to confirm, the one you are leaving will be "sorry you are leaving"

I am assuming a level of Internet knowledge you may not have, best to ask a child to help as they grew up with this & we didn't!! Seriously, I ask my children (in their 20's), when I get stuck. Just remind them, I don't need to know how a jet engine works to go on holiday, I need you to tap the right keys

Sorry for the long post, but feel free to ask if you need more, at least I feel like I'm "paying forward" as I know I'm going to be on this a while & need to vent

 

[Shedrech]

hi again Raggedy Anne
just reread your post and noticed 2 things

I've paid for all his care home bills out of my own money

if you really mean that YOU are paying your husband's care home bill's from YOUR money, not from the joint account, please do sort out your finances and pay yourself back from your husband's money into an account solely in your name (keep records of the amounts just in case) - it's YOUR money and you need to keep it for you; pay your husband's bills from an account that his pension/money goes into
it's important to separate out any money that is solely yours; who knows when or what you will need it for
your children may say this now

They say not to worry, use my money and they'll help when it runs out.

and I'm sure they mean it - but you have a right to your own money and to be independent - and what if you do need help in the future but they have a crisis in their own lives?
I'm not meaning to care/worry you - just prompt you to gradually get organised to make the future easier to deal with