Like a Hyperactive toddler...

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
You're possibly in a position where, if full time care kicked in, Anne, you'd have to undergo a financial assessment by the LA where the care is being financed from. That would only happen if your loved one started full time care. Get lots of advice about that.
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Hi Anne just been reading back my heart goes out to you lack of sleep is like torture you must be exhausted. Surely the time has come for your OH to be admitted to an assessment unit. I went through a very similar situation with my husband trying to get by on a couple of hours sleep a night and the constant paranoia it brought me to my knees and I am a lot younger than you.
I hope I am not being to blunt and I apologise if I am, but it is time to shout at the consultant and everyone else you need a break now. Love and hugs Nannylondon xxxxx
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,333
Bristol
Thanks for the kind interest in my little problems, on the positives thread Anne. Sorry I can't offer more than kind words and sympathy on your thread. Hope you get some respite soon, you must be near the front of the queue by now.
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
Hi Anne, Like pamann I was in a similar position to you with my husband. What happened with me was that I rang the SW, and said I couldn't go on any longer, and she arranged for an assessment team to come to the house and assess him, but I was to be prepared and pack a bag for him if they decided to section him.

Of course, when the day came it was one of his good days, but I had made lots of notes about his behaviour and had a video on my phone of one of his worse days, and they did section him, as much for my sake as his. It was the worst day of my life, but it was calm for him, as they allowed an Age UK person who was a helper for the CPN (I'd asked if he could be there too as my husband was familiar with him) to take him in his car instead of calling an ambulance. He was assessed there and I sadly realised that it would be impossible for me to look after him at home any more, but it was also impossible for me to find a care home that would take him. In the end he was assessed for CHC due to his severe cognition and outbursts of aggression, and qualified for it, even though he was physically fit. They said he had to go to a dementia nursing home, where they had more staff to be able to manage him. After a bad start in a horrible home, and me saying I would take him home if the CHC people couldn't get him in a better one, strings were pulled, and I think he jumped the queue to get in the one he is in now, which is very good with wonderful, kind and patient carers.

Although he still keeps saying he wants to come "home" - as he did all the while when he was at home - the staff say he is ok when I'm not there. He still has aggressive outbursts, but the staff are able to manage him. He often says to me what a lovely place it is - he thinks we built it and we live there. I am still able to take him out for a walk with the dog or a meal at a pub, although sometimes have stressful incidents with him, so far I have managed, although I am mentally shattered afterwards, which makes me realise I could not possibly cope 24/7 on my own.

I've read all your posts, and really you cannot go on any longer trying to cope with his behaviour. He does need 1:1 care and one person cannot be expected to do it. Please call the SW or CPN and say you need an emergency assessment for him before you suffer a complete breakdown.

Sending you much love xx
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Thankyou, lovely kind people....sorry to rant.

I'm pretty sure a short period of respite would result in me recognising that I can't go on managing at home.

The assessment, to judge medication and care needs, will surely result in us needing to find funding, whatever is decided, and wherever he goes.

He's pretty healthy, physically, and he wouldn't have agreed to POA for health and welfare unless it had been reciprocal, and I wasn't sure. A friend of mine has said the people who do the assessments for CHC funding here are so short staffed due to people on sick leave, that people needing an assessment have been waiting for four months. Anyway, its doubtful that he'd qualify.

One of my husband's regular obsessional worries has been finance, so I haven't daren't get out papers or make phone calls, or invite anyone in to help, as that would make his worries worse. So I haven't been able to sort out the finances that he insisted on managing himself. I know he got rid of a financial adviser against my protests, and seems to have destroyed all paperwork relating to him.

I think our remaining funds would last for about three months, not much more, and less than that if we needed money for the car, or to replace our elderly boiler.

So where would that leave us? I was planning to use the respite to find someone to help me with the finance side of things. But without the respite.......

It's raining, but the garden looks lovely. It's my great comfort, so I'm off to the Positives thread for some cheer....
Anne, thank you for your PM. I have written down what happened to me and want to send it to you, but the PM thing is set to only allow a small part of what I've written. Please, when you can, gimme an answer to the PM I have sent you. It's not all doom n gloom, but you do have to be prepared to use yer noodle!

Talk soon? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
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Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
Thankyou, lovely kind people....sorry to rant.

I'm pretty sure a short period of respite would result in me recognising that I can't go on managing at home.

The assessment, to judge medication and care needs, will surely result in us needing to find funding, whatever is decided, and wherever he goes.

He's pretty healthy, physically, and he wouldn't have agreed to POA for health and welfare unless it had been reciprocal, and I wasn't sure. A friend of mine has said the people who do the assessments for CHC funding here are so short staffed due to people on sick leave, that people needing an assessment have been waiting for four months. Anyway, its doubtful that he'd qualify.

One of my husband's regular obsessional worries has been finance, so I haven't daren't get out papers or make phone calls, or invite anyone in to help, as that would make his worries worse. So I haven't been able to sort out the finances that he insisted on managing himself. I know he got rid of a financial adviser against my protests, and seems to have destroyed all paperwork relating to him.

I think our remaining funds would last for about three months, not much more, and less than that if we needed money for the car, or to replace our elderly boiler.

So where would that leave us? I was planning to use the respite to find someone to help me with the finance side of things. But without the respite.......

It's raining, but the garden looks lovely. It's my great comfort, so I'm off to the Positives thread for some cheer....
Goodness that's a lot of 'obstacles' you've found there Anne....... I have a sense that you are that point where you know what is in place now cannot continue - even with two weeks, or more, of respite - but the future with all it's changes ahead is a scary, scary place..... but I think you do realise that change is inevitable now, for hubby's benefit and for yours and as others have said the outcome can be positive for both of you and the current situation is not that anymore for either of you.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
Well, the respite didn't happen last week, and we survived. I've been told there's a newly opened Dementia home offering respite, and I'm going along on Friday to have a look. Fingers crossed.

I saw in the local paper that the place where they decided at the last minute thay had no room for my husband, were having an Open Day last week, so perhaps they didn't want my Turbulent ManChild racketing about!

The Consultant has agreed to doubling his Memantine to see if that helps. Wouldn't it be strange if the turbulence stopped suddenly? We must all long for something, anything, that would just stop the anxiety when it strikes, and make everyday things easier.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
Visited the new place that can offer respite, liked it and the manager, and will be having a home assessment on Tuesday, with a view to starting some respite on Thursday. Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile my husband's confusion increases, with frequent times when he's convinced he's on an urgent mission, and desperately needing me to help. It's like living in fantasy land. The respite manager says they can deal with all that. I do hope so.
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
Visited the new place that can offer respite, liked it and the manager, and will be having a home assessment on Tuesday, with a view to starting some respite on Thursday. Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile my husband's confusion increases, with frequent times when he's convinced he's on an urgent mission, and desperately needing me to help. It's like living in fantasy land. The respite manager says they can deal with all that. I do hope so.
Read that and have crossed fingers, toes and even eyes and am hoping so, so hard that this works out, Anne - and I read often on TP about how the structure of a residential setting can sometimes be the very thing that our L.O.s need to help calm the intense anxiety, and for you and your OH's sake, I hope this turns out to be the case here. Good luck and {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} xxxxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,356
Kent
Full marks to the respite manager Anne and good luck for Thursday.

The `urgent mission` brings back memories. My husband believed his family was responsible for India`s first moon mission and planned our trip there so we wouldn`t miss out on the glory. He was even asking what I would wear and telling me I would need to buy a hat.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
Home assessment was good. The manager saw how dependent he is on me, but is still willing to give it a go....My lovely ( ex, but still close) daughter in law will help by meeting us there, so I can slip off and she'll stay to distract him before slipping off herself....
Today his good friend will take him out, and I can pack his bag. Distraction for us both today; our front door is being painted, and can't be shut for six hours. Dare not put that off as the painter is so busy.

Granny G. Your dear husband's belief in his family's involvement in India's space adventure reads amusingly now, but aren't those fantasies difficult at the time, when they're so real to the person believing them? I've learnt to go with the story....could have lent you a hat, I've still got some in boxes!
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,835
Home assessment was good. The manager saw how dependent he is on me, but is still willing to give it a go....My lovely ( ex, but still close) daughter in law will help by meeting us there, so I can slip off and she'll stay to distract him before slipping off herself....
Today his good friend will take him out, and I can pack his bag. Distraction for us both today; our front door is being painted, and can't be shut for six hours. Dare not put that off as the painter is so busy.
Oh , Anne il be thinking of you ((((((hugssssss))))) xx k
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
It all went smoothly yesterday. Luckily he was reasonably calm when we arrived, and we made it a stay with a friend ( the manager) while I had to go for some fictitious hospital tests. One of the other guests took a shine to him when he arrived for lunch, hope that keeps him happy...he always was good with the ladies!

A friend will visit him today, and take him out for a while, so he shouldn't feel shut in.

I suspect my DIL has asked them to ring her with any concerns, bless her. She will drop in too, lives nearer.
 

CeliaW

Registered User
Jan 29, 2009
5,643
Hampshire
So pleased to read this Anne and I hope you get some much needed and deserved rest and relaxation. Take care xx
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,835
It all went smoothly yesterday. Luckily he was reasonably calm when we arrived, and we made it a stay with a friend ( the manager) while I had to go for some fictitious hospital tests. One of the other guests took a shine to him when he arrived for lunch, hope that keeps him happy...he always was good with the ladies!

A friend will visit him today, and take him out for a while, so he shouldn't feel shut in.

I suspect my DIL has asked them to ring her with any concerns, bless her. She will drop in too, lives nearer.

Oh RA
I'm so pleased you have managed this xxxxx Kerry
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,642
Merseyside
It all went smoothly yesterday. Luckily he was reasonably calm when we arrived, and we made it a stay with a friend ( the manager) while I had to go for some fictitious hospital tests. One of the other guests took a shine to him when he arrived for lunch, hope that keeps him happy...he always was good with the ladies!

A friend will visit him today, and take him out for a while, so he shouldn't feel shut in.

I suspect my DIL has asked them to ring her with any concerns, bless her. She will drop in too, lives nearer.
I'm so pleased it went well Anne.