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Life without him....

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Rageddy Anne, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    6,008
    Cotswolds
    THANKYOU for all those kind wishes...

    Tomorrow is the sixth day of treatment and I've been driving myself the nine miles each way. Tiredness and a teeny bit of redness seem to be the only side effects so far, and all the driving has been in daylight, for which I've been glad. Today the appointment is later, and I'll be driving home in the dark and the rush hour...not so popular...

    I've made up a hamper, a sort of lucky dip of small treats for the carers at Rob's Care Home, to raid in their coffee breaks in their rest room. But I can't bring myself to go back. Have set out twice, but just couldn't face going in. The last time I was there was the day after my operation, and the day he died. Our sons cleared his room, so I never needed to do that.

    It's something I feel I should do, as I know I'll feel better afterwards, maybe tomorrow, as today is probably too busy.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    53,530
    Dundee
    Ah that must be hard RA. As you say you'll probably feel better after you've done it but it won't be easy.

    I hope things go well today. Especially for your drive in the dark.
     
  3. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,379
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I can understand how you feel regarding returning to the home RA. I had to do so to remove Dave’s belongings but my daughter came with me so I managed it. Then I returned later with chocolates for the staff and books for their bookstall in the foyer with some trepidation. Fortunately the handyman, with whom I had had many a chat, happened to bein the car park and, seeing I was uneasy, took my bags and walked in with me. The Nursing deputy manager came to greet me and when I told her I couldn’t face going past Dave’s room she took me upstairs a different way to avoid having to do so.
    I haven’t been able to go back in the 3 years since though.
    I still miss them as they were such a big part of my life for the 3 years of near daily visiting but I realise that Dave and I were not that significant in their working lives. I hope you find it less upsetting than you fear. I’m sure they will be pleased to see you.

    I think you have done remarkably in driving yourself to and from your treatment. The darkness will make it more stressful so I hope you will not be too exhausted afterwards. x
     
  4. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    6,008
    Cotswolds
    THANKYOU, Saffie and Izzy. I did it and you're right, I did feel better and it won't be hanging over me....

    A long wait at the hospital did mean a drive home in the dark, but at least it wasn't driving into the setting sun, with cyclists wearing black in the shadowy parts..Why don't they wear yellow?

    More treatment today, but at least now I know what to expect. It did seem odd yesterday when I had two young male radiographer s to do it...they casually waited for me to strip off my top clothes...routine for them but strange for me! They give you a sort of large tissue for modesty purposes....but of course it has to be removed for treatment...

    Somehow the shell I've built around missing Rob felt a little fragile a couple of times yesterday....had to swallow hard, and remember what he'd have said.. It would have been an affectionate " pull yourself together girl"and it would have worked... Strangely, it was the long wait at the hospital that tested me, as the majority of patients had their partners with them.... So I chatted with a lady who was on her own, and didn't discover for ages that she had a husband at home. She was younger than me, and drove a disabled car, so yet again, I was reminded about Grannie G's saying...." I cried because I had no shoes......"
     
  5. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,546
    Hampshire
    Well done on all you are achieving Anne. A big supportive hug for you and wishes for easier days. Take care xx
     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    53,530
    Dundee
    Oh @Rageddy Anne you're doing so well. It's bad enough doing some things without our partners sitting there waiting and then the treatment must have been two of the hardest. I know you'll talk to Rob as I do to Bill and he'll always be in your heart.

    Also well done on the drive. Yes the low sun is a nightmare when driving just now. I think I'd rather have the dark too. I hope it goes well today.
     
  7. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,379
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I’m so glad you did it. As you say, it’s now not a constant pressure hanging over you.
    You’ve done the drive home in the dark too which must have been a strain after the treatment. I hope you had a good rest afterwards.
    I can see how facing your treatment alone when others had their partners there with them would have touched a tear duct or two. As I’ve always found, it’s the sudden reminders that hit the hardest. We are prepared do the big ones.
    Take great care of yourself. This is a difficult time of year for many of us and especially for you.x
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,520
    Kent
    I'm not surprised you felt so vulnerable while waiting for your treatment @Rageddy Anne. You were.

    I think you are being remarkably stalwart over this health issue, so soon after losing Rob and hope the side effects of the treatment are bearable.

    The low sun is a nightmare for pedestrians too Anne. I'm considering buying a Visor.
     
  9. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    1,757
    Kent
    Anne...with my usual size 12’s...I will risk a joke. Have you considered an inflatable companion? At this time of year, many are available. Snowman, Father Christmas. Being inflatable there is no weight for you to carry. Will be someone to chat to while you wait. Or...you never know, maybe someone else there will say something!!
     
  10. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    6,008
    Cotswolds
    Haha, an inflatable Father Christmas would be fun He could sit in the passenger seat beside me, and I could chat to him!There's a party shop in town!.............

    Couldn't get to hospital today, a fallen tree closed the road, all day! Heavy snow here...missed the old Rob..He would have been up at dawn, clearing the road and the drives of elderly neighbours.Every window I look out of looks like a Christmas card, so beautiful!

    No one has cleared my drive, had to do it myself...Feel like Eeyore.Missing Rob!
     
  11. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    1,757
    Kent
    Oh, Anne, you shouldn’t be doing such heavy work. Isn’t there a volunteer group at a near by church? It is so frustrating being so far away from people who need help.
     
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    3,313
    Female
    Chester
    RA - sorry to hear you had to clear your own drive. Not enough snow here to need to clear ours.

    As for cyclists wearing black, something we rant and rave about in this house, took dau to a cycling shop which sells a nice range of ladies kit but all the jackets were black and she wouldn't even try them for size. A reasonable rear light can be had for £5.

    You are doing really really well, tough doing this on your own, but you've been tough when you looked after Rob, and you can do this.
     

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