Life is very different

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Taffy, Jun 15, 2008.

  1. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Losing mum and dad so closely my once busy life came to an abrupt stop I feel like I'm in a foreign place. I do feel a certain peace surrounds me but I'm void of much emotion.

    Mum's funeral service portrayed the TRUE mum no fanfare or colouring it was just MUM.... just how she loved to live....SIMPLY. She had touched many people in her life and the most unexpected people came with genuine fond memories and feelings of pride to be able to farewell someone that had left such a impression on them. This was very comforting to me, as with dementia she was forgotten but in death she was still remember for her kindness.

    Yesterday, hubby and I collected her ashes, so, as soon as family can be all together we'll scatter them. I'm going to try and get a permit to have a double headstone put on the grave beside dad....one half in memory of mum then the grave can still be used for family( I purchased the three graves beside dad because it is only a small cemetery ) if I'm not allowed then I'll have a plaque put on the Remembrance Wall.

    With dad's passing, as sad, as it was, I had closure I have not got that with mum....from the moment I talked with the carer after mum had passed away I had this feeling that something wasn't right....I know there was incompetence with the way she handle mum's care that night. With receiving mum's pharmacy bill on Friday I question a newly introduced tablet ( Zydol ) I knew she was having Panadol gel caps, Coloxyl with Senna and Talam.

    I have sent a request by registered post for mum's medical notes I'm not looking for blame and have no intentions in chasing shadows. I want to know how much and how often mum received this drug also I'll question the choice of drug as when I 'goggled' Zydol it wasn't recommended for people on antidepressants mum is on Talam or people with brain disease.....mum had a brain bleed last Jan and was also given too much serenace which resulted in her having a fall and being hospitalised. I can only try and make sense of why I feel so strongly that something isn't right, maybe, I'll never know. Thanks, Taffy.

    Love Taffy.
     
  2. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    #2 Lynne, Jun 15, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2008
    I find my reactions to your post mixed; whilst a mistake with meds is a serious matter & should be settled, please don't pursue it "for Mum's sake" because you need something to fill the huge vacuum you must feel after such a long time devotedly 'caring'.
    You've said it yourself: Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

    Taffy love, your Mum now has peace & release from anxiety & suffering. Can you not allow yourself the same? She would wish it for you, I'm sure.

    Mum's funeral service sounds exactly as one would wish; old friends who remembered & valued the kind & generous person she really was, and cared enough to show up & tell you about it. Now it is time for you to allow the recent, painful memories to fade, and resurrect those of happier, healthy times.
     

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  3. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Taffy

    (((((((((hugs))))))))))))

    I can understand your feelings about your Mum's care. I am going to compose a letter to the local NHS primary care trust about Mum's care in these last years of her life. I would have done it earlier but a friend, who is a pharmacist in the NHS, suggested that I leave it three months or so before writing, as often complaints in the first weeks after death are seen as grief, whereas ones that are delayed, and are not seen as a first grief reaction, are considered more fully. I jsut want to ensure that there is better care from her GP practice for those with dementia as I, and the nurses in Mum's home, also felt that GP care could have been improved.

    I also understand the need you feel to understand. Please do check with the docs the situation. There may be a valid reason and that may help. If it is a mistake you will want to ensure that it does not happen to others.

    I can understand the vacuum you will feel. It is hard to readjust when you have been caring so long and small things still throw you of balance. I dread to think what something large would do to me right now. I think this is a hard stage we have to go through....the price of loving and caring.

    (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

    Mameeskye
     
  4. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Lynne and Mameeskye,

    Your replies are appreciated and I hear what your saying, I thought that any inquiry made would have to be lodged in a short time frame I didn't realise that further down the track I still could of acted. Anyway, I have sent a request for mum's medical records already and I'll wait a reply.

    I know that mum is free now and back home where she so longed to be, with her lovely mum....her suffering is over and I'm pleased for that what I'm not pleased about is the unnecessary suffering she endured after being put back to bed by the carer knowing she was confused dizzy and vomiting. She wasn't checked again between the time that the carer heard her fall and the carer told me that. I truly appreciated the honesty from the carer when I asked about what happened....the manager didn't appreciate her honesty.

    Dementia sufferers have to endure so many loses and indignities.... in many ways they are just disregarded when you compare treatment to abled people.....If no one tries to right the wrongs....what hope is there.

    I'm truly not worrying about what happened because there is no point it can't be changed but I won't ignore what happened either because doing so is the reason it continues to happen.

    Thank you for your thoughts and flowers :)



    Love Taffy.
     

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