Life after losing both of my parents.

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by ellebird, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. ellebird

    ellebird Registered User

    Oct 9, 2012
    2
    Hi,
    Im not sure where to start, but here goes! I am greiving for my mum and dad. I lost my dad to stomach cancer in July 13and my mum to dementia in January of this year. I feel robbed.I feel very alone now. I just feel i need to talk to somebody who was in the same situation as me.

    My mum spent the last 6 years of her life in a care home and I feel terribly guilty that I couldn't look after her. I have this huge range of emotions that keep rearing their head. I feel angry that my mum spent a lot of years with this disease long before we realised it was dementia( having died at 76). I feel angry that I didn't have a proper mum and I am jealous when I see my friends having a proper relationship with their mum. My children haven't really had a proper nan because mum has always been off with the fairies. All this anger and jealousy is hard to deal with and I wish I could channel it better.

    Anybody available just to talk?

    Thankyou

    Ella
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,539
    Ireland
    Aw, Ella, it's not the least surprising that you have all those emotions. Of course you feel robbed- you HAVE been robbed.

    You can't hurry grieving, and you have a lot of loss to grieve. Not just the deaths of your parents, but the loss of a normal life with them for you and the loss of a relationship with grandparents for your children.

    You've come to a good place connect with people.
     
  3. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,734
    South
    Hi Ellebird.

    My dad died from cancer in 2012 and mum from dementia last year. Sounds a little similar to your situation.

    Anger is part of the grieving process and so is jealousy or envy. I am a little envious that most people I know still have both parents - even those who are 10 years older than me. I am still grieving and even after three years I often cry because I miss my dad and the family get-togethers we used to have. I had a bit of counselling which has helped me to look at how I deal with emotions. Do you think counselling might help you? Cruse do bereavement counselling specifically.

    I've found it helpful to accept any anger and envy in the same way as I accept the sadness and emptiness of loss. Let it happen and say, I might feel awful right now but tomorrow is another day. x
     
  4. ellebird

    ellebird Registered User

    Oct 9, 2012
    2
    Thankyou

    Many thanks for your kind words. I didnt realise how much I was grieving. I just feel so angry. My parents separated many years ago, but remained good friends.My mother lived with her new partner until she got sick and as soon as she went into a home her new partner abandoned her. I feel so cross that he did this. I seem to question everything going on in my own life and comparing mine to hers. My mum had a terrible time. I am forgetful and worry that I am going to get sick like my mum. I worry that im going to get cancer like my dad. I just need to talk.

    Hope your ok x
     
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,539
    Ireland
    I think being forgetful is very common when you are grieving. I've locked myself out of the house twice and out of the car once since my husband died in August!
     
  6. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    I lost my husband and then my mum 12 months later and i seem to have spent the last 2 years being increasingly forgetful but i do think it is grieving and stress
     
  7. Ladybird23

    Ladybird23 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2014
    127
    My Mum died in July 2012 and my Dad died this year in March, he had suffered Alzheimer's for just over a year. The pain is still so raw and there are days when i just want to talk to them both. Hey ho. I am proud of what me, my sister and hubby did, so proud that my hubby was with me all the way as was my sister. We were a team, and a bloody good one.
    We sold their house, put my dad in one of the best and safest care homes, and watched him decline so quickly. Dreadful. The staff were brilliant, and were there for us when we sobbed our hearts out after visiting Dad. Many a wet shoulder!!!

    Both had the same type of funeral, a celebration of their life, the sun shone both times, the church was full both times, a Wren landed on the alter rail as we were sending my Dad up to heaven. We all saw it. The wake was excellent, yummy home made stuff!!

    I see posts on here, people going through what we went through, and it hurts.

    We have a family picture of us all in our lounge, and every morning I wave and say morning to Mum and Dad.

    I will be there for my hubby when time comes. He is my rock. Forever.
     

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