• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Lies Lies and more lies.!!

jude1950

Registered User
Mar 23, 2006
182
Lincolnshire
Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with a partner who lies? We had a visit from the occupational health team from the memory clinic team. When she asked my partner spent his days what came out of his mouth was pure fiction. He said he walks 2 miles every day he does the gardening (HE never did much gardening before his AD) he cooks ..makes hot drinks....(the last time he did this he poured boiling water all over the worktop as he had the cup upside down)basically he does none of these his days are spent following me around the house and rummaging through drawers etc for some imagined important item!.
The final straw was when he told the interviewer that the best time for him is when I go out shopping so he gets some peace and quiet!!!! I NEVER leave his side as he gets anxious and panics when he is left on his own. Fortunately I did manage to say to the health visitor when he was out of earshot that it was all lies she told me not to worry as she had seen his case notes and knew that he was not telling the truth. It is like having a teenager in the house ..sayings like" it wasnt me " etc. why does he lie so much?
Anyway rant over thanks for being there whilst I let off steam.
regards Jude1950
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hi Jude,
Would you want to sit there and say 'I can't make a hot drink, I'm frightened when my partner is out of sight, and I can never rememver what I am looking for'?
Denial - if I don't admit it it can't be happening. Or maybe in his head it is taking all his energy to do little things, his brain thinks he is still doing all the other things. How to deal with it? As you did. Make sure that the professionals are aware of the truth, and that your partner maintains what self respect and dignity that he can.
Take care.
Helen
 

mel

Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
1,656
62
Sheffield
Hi Jude
I think they're pretty used to it!!!
When my mum had her visit last year she told them:-
a) She lived on her own....(my brother was living with her then)
b) She didn't cook every day (She hasn't cooked in years) because she didn't want to cook a full meal for herself
c) The days she didn't cook she would go to the shop(she hated everyone in the shop and would never set foot in it) to buy a convenience meal and heat it up in the microwave....(never used the microwave in her life)
d) Has a bath every day(We could neverget her anywhere near water for months)
e) (like your partner) walks every day (rubbish)
f) does own washing,ironing,cleaning...(NO)
Shall I go on....!?
Mind you when they asked her to make them a cup of tea it all went pear shaped for her....she didn't boil the kettle, put sugar in the teapot , and cut open 5 teabags and emptied the tea into the cups......
And then started talking about the "students" who come in the front door,steal the toilet rolls and disappear through the back door:confused: :confused:

The report suggested she should not live on her own.......
Wendy
 

jude1950

Registered User
Mar 23, 2006
182
Lincolnshire
Hi Helen please dont misunderstand my post I love him to bits and will protect his dignity til the end but these are our firstrsteps into the unknown of AD and I am desperately trying to get some respite day care set up .. hence my anxieties (and blood pressure of 160 over 102...) I dont want the powers that be to think that we are coping when we most certainly are not. My partner is a real charmer and presents so well I dont recognise the deceitful man he has become.I am just ranting to the wind I want my lovely witty loving honest man back and I know he is drifting furtheraway from me.
love Judith
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Lies and more lies ............boy do i know that one

Had a basinful of it on Monday along with nasty spiteful and i have done it perfectly for years and its you thats mad not me

Food doesent taste of anything .......I think we only eat toast and jam !!
Well others have said "your Mothers a difficult woman " for years and boy are they right

Yeah its supposedly the disease talking but i actually believe they really enjoy being downright horrible
Problem for me is My Mother has been nasty,cruel and spiteful for years this is now made 100 times worse by LBD/VD/AD whichever or maybe its all 3
 

May

Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
627
Yorkshire
Hi Jude
This is a common problem, my Mum still thinks she does the housework, cooking, bathes regularly, et al. In reality Dad's been doing everything for the last eighteen months:confused: and Mum before she was admitted to hospital hadn't had a bath/shower in 6 months(we just couldn't get her in there!) You did exactly right in lettting the professionals know on the QT that things aren't as they seem, and I guarantee they have seen this before.
Think of this not as your partner lying, but the 'dementia demon' jumping up and making it's presence known.:(
Try and go with the flow, it will be easier on you, and remember that you will see glimpses of your loving and witty husband, treasure those.
Take care
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
It is the same with Monique - she would tell the Dr and the Neurologist that she does cooking, cleaning, shopping, baths, cleans teeth and all the rest.... But the neurologist did not finish the mini intelligence test - because it clearly was not worth while.........

There is a dreadful fear of the future lurking just beneath surface.. she is concerned - frightened of the future - will never actually quite say it.... I wonder if the denial AD sufferers exhibit is to do with not daring to admit how serious the problem is - how frightening - and then not being able to remember if they remember -

Whilst I am sure AD does not make anybody turn into an angel - in fact quite the reverse in many cases - it must be frightening as hell to know that your head is messed to the extent you know you are lost for ever.

Michael
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Jude,
I feel bad now that you think I thought badly of you!!! My problem is I tend to be direct at times- why use 20 words when 10 will do.? Never could write long essays at school. Your love comes through your postings - even when you are ranting. Your post made me smile. Took me back to the time when mum used to maintain she cooked all the meals and the only meal she cooked was for the dog, who used to get best steak, chicken breasts etc. Used to make dad's blood boil the meat she bought for the dog - but eventually he ignored it. Thing is she would forget that she had fed her, then say she had to do the dogs meat!!
She used to walk her obsessively too, till she started coming back with either the lead OR the dog - but not together. Can smile about it now.
So sorry Jude.
Love Helen
 

Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
1,342
What a relief it was when others gradually realised my mother had apparently become a compulsive liar. When her younger sister had spent 2 days with her she said "you can't believe a word she says, can you?"

It took longer for professionals to believe us as of course they usually only saw her for short interviews.

Her eldest sister said at the funeral that she was the most truthful person she'd ever met.

I think though that her separation anxiety was always such (even before dementia) that she gave other people the impression that we visited and phoned much less often than we really did.

Throughout the last 7 months I kept wishing we could put CCTV and hidden tape recorders in her house.

Lila
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
why does he lie so much
it is in the eye of the beholder, of course. To the person who is telling things that are absolutely not true, it may well be that they appear to be true to them.

Imagine something not quite the same in your own life. You are at home, cleaning the sink, or loos, or doing some filthy job, in your oldest, grottiest clothes. A text comes through on your mobile to say a friend who always appears immaculate in their dress will call unexpectedly in 5 minutes and they hope it will be all right.

You chuck everything out of sight, rush to put on some decent gear, check in the mirror, and then open the door to greet them as if the Queen has just left.

In other words, you don't want to seem less than good.

Me, I'd go to the door as I was, but then I'm not the tidiest of people.

People with dementia are simply trying to appear normal. For them it may be that they feel it is the rest of the world that is going weird on them, or it may be they are simply applying that great political tool - spin - to try and fool others, when they are desperate because they know they are losing their being.

At the stage where they are spinning these tales, they can remember how things should really be and try to talk as if they are.

Later, they won't remember, and the tales will end, and you may even wish to have some of that back.

It's a nightmare for all, but while I see all these traits - including manipulation, stubbornness etc - as a real pain, I don't regard them the same as those traits might be in someone who is normally that way, with no dementia.

The people with dementia simply hold onto what little they have, and use it.

The shame is that it would make life easier for everyone if they didn't have to do that. But life ain't easy. Least of all for them.

All just my opinion, of course.
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Bruce,
Later, they won't remember, and the tales will end, and you may even wish to have some of that back
So true. If she could cook it, I would go and buy the meat for her now!!
A moment of sadness - just watched a neighbour (recently 60) chatting with her daughter on the doorstep - funny how out of the blue a little thing twists the knife.
Love Helen
 

PatH

Registered User
Feb 14, 2005
301
76
N.Ireland
Hi Jude,
These are very frustrating times for you.When my husband was at this stage I believed that he had schizophrenia(not sure of spelling)I just couldnt understand how a person with AD could be such a blatant liar, however now that I see the progression I could believe anything about this disease.
My consultant always spoke to me on my own after she had seen my husband and I was able to talk to her without upsetting my husband.
Its easy for me to say watch the blood pressure as I do understand thats the most difficult thing to do in your position at the moment. I am now on medication for the same I think it goes hand in hand with the pressures of a carer.
Pat
 

jude1950

Registered User
Mar 23, 2006
182
Lincolnshire
Thank you all for your comments. To be fair to my partner it must be terrifying for him when he doesnt remember how to do everyday things and I can see that he is desperately trying to get to grips with the diagnosis. At the moment I think we are going through a denial stage. Knowing there are others in TP who have dealt with this problem and having their comments is a great help to me. Our journey has only just started and it is a comfort to know we have company on the way.
regards Judith
 

Bets

Registered User
Aug 11, 2005
100
South-East London, UK
I don't know what is worse - thinking that you can still do things you can't, or not even remembering that you ever could. My husband was a wonderful cook (how I miss his barbecues in this hot weather!) yet when I asked him a few months ago if he remembered that he used to cook such and such he said no, but asked why he didn't cook now. I made light of it, but he really wasn't bothered at all. I didn't know what was sadder - that he could no longer do what he once did so well, or that he couldn't even remember. On balance, I think the former as he doesn't get frustrated by his inability. At least, he doesn't try to cook now, although he can still make a cup of coffee and a sandwich.

Bets
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
jude1950 said:
My partner is a real charmer and presents so well I dont recognise the deceitful man he has become.
Hiya, Judith. So much good advice already here. Reading Brucie's post really reminded me of my mum - always been a 'what will the neighbours think' person and always responded to doctors or other professionals with almost 'reverence' and anxiety to 'get things right'. You can almost see a PHYSICAL change in her, she works so hard at her 'presentation'.

It might sound a horrible thing to say but I want her to be 'at her worst' whenever we have a consultation with anyone (so they get a picture of what's REALLY going on) but invariably she STILL finds some strength to try to 'keep up her appearance' (even though now she can't always quite succeed) - of course, with me she will be as weepy, belligerent, unkempt, anxious etc etc.... as she wants - as well as absolutely truthful!!!!

I have actually always felt rather sorry for her that she feels the need to make such an effort ... cross at times that people don't see the 'other side' of her when she leads everyone to believe she is ALWAYS the sweetest little lady ever graced this Earth!!!! Conversely, I guess I should be pleased that she is confident enough to always be herself with me.... whatever that 'self' is?????? (Love her to bits for all of that!)

Sorry, rambling anyway - just wanted you to know I have some empathy!

Love, Karen, (TF), x
 

Rosalind

Registered User
Jul 2, 2005
203
Wiltshire
Hi Judith. Nothing to add, really, except I get the same from my husband. He 'has had a shower' but the shower tray is dry, didn't fancy the lunch I had suggested he should have, so ate cornflakes or half of something I had earmarked for us both later on, and 'has been here before' to places I absolutely know he has not.

Lately, he has also been convinced he has met people before, much to the puzzlement of a chap in a pub who was cornered and talked to for ages (I'm afraid I ducked out, as we were with other people who I wanted to talk to, so poor puzzled man had to listen to stories of 50 years ago)

It's not 'lies' in the way we know it, but it is intensely annoying.
Rosalind
 

DickG

Registered User
Feb 26, 2006
558
84
Stow-on-the-Wold
Hi Judith

How familiar. To hear Mary explaining to the professionals how she does everything you would think she walks on water, she did once but not now. I don't think for one moment that the professionals are decieved and all the evidence supports my view.

As a carer you must expect to be demeaned, lied about, abused and above all loved - thats our lot.

Hugs

Dick
 

bel

Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
757
coventry
Lies and more lies

Dear Jude 1950
I too have my hubby who lies i like to think its cos he does not like to think he is forgetting things loosing things etc he has lost his wallett no end of times i am very patient but one day i got cross he said its not me its the wallett when we went for his last vist to specialist i swear the doctor thought it was me that had AD
Love Bel x
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Dead right .......they are so convinced and so convincing that no way do they have AD ........its absolutely you who its nuts and the rest of the world who is mad

and some people are stupid enough to believe them !!!!!!