1. Lucy Grace

    Lucy Grace Registered User

    Jul 24, 2015
    17
    I have not been on Talking Point for a couple of weeks as I have had to cope with the fall-out from my husband being taken off the road. He has cried - been aggressive and even been out in the car when I did not know so now I have hidden the keys. I realise it is a very big thing for anyone to lose their licence but I know it is the right decision as his short-term memory has gone. He was asking my eldest son yesterday where did he live and did he live in a house. He has known him for 14 yrs and we have been to his house lots of times!!

    I know since my accident he has steadily gone down hill and it does frighten me because I wonder if I will be able to cope with him as he gets worse.

    I am sure a lot of you have had to cope with this problem.

    Lucy Grace
     
  2. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    I was on the bitter end of many rants and rows from John, after I refused to let him drive any more. I know others on TP think differently, but I considered that as I knew him better than anyone else, I was the one most acutely aware of John's failure to look at junctions etc, and the danger this might cause.

    Then we had a near miss, and I could not have anyone else's injury, or worse, on my conscience, let alone something happening to John, who obviously didn't have a conscience, because AD had robbed him of that too. :(

    Whatever John said, or rather shouted - such as "you're a rotten b*tch taking my keys", I just said "yes, you're right and I'm sorry". Nobody, but nobody who hasn't gone through the sheer hell of being a carer for someone with AD, knows what it's like, do they. Keep strong sweetie. xxx
     
  3. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    Lucygrace

    The hardest thing I ever had to do was inform our GP that my husband was unfit to drive. Even now 5 years since then ,he sometimes goes to get into the drivers side. Always followed by an upset and arguement. Other times he says he will pop out and get bottle milk/wine/sweets. When I remind him that he can't ,he gets so angry. The thing is he was always the one who drove our family all over the country. I cannot do that as at ,my age I don't have the confidence. Good luck to you.xxxxxxx
     
  4. Redpoppy

    Redpoppy Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    268
    Glamorgan s.wales
    R

    My husband stopped driving approximately 4yrs ago (advised to after a stroke) I was relieved as his dementia was affecting his understanding of getting from Ato B . He would suddenly ask where we were going and "which way" It was very upsetting being told not to drive and my way out was to give our car to my Grandaughter so he wouldn't argue about his ability to drive. He still occassionally says they should never have stopped him but not as often as he used to. More difficult if you drive yourself--I expect he would resent that I hope it won't be too long before you can resolve this very common problem sending Best wishes to you both.
    '
     
  5. tigerqueen

    tigerqueen Registered User

    Mar 11, 2014
    75
    Essex
    My hubby had always been the main driver for the family both in the UK and abroad so I too thought this was going to be a huge problem when he had to give up driving, as any suggestion about not driving caused rows and sulks.

    The year following diagnosis with AD was very stressful as his ability declined and it became obvious by then that although he had no problem stopping at red lights etc, he wasn't able to react appropriately to new road layouts and we had no end of arguments about it. Also he was starting to forget how to get to familiar places and not recognise where he was, so started driving really slowly. However, during this time I made a concerted effort to wean him off driving, so in the end it was a gradual process where I offered more and more to drive, firstly at night (when I knew he was having particular problems), then for longer journeys, which I would break up into regular stops at services for treats such as a special drink or cake, so he felt spoilt. Always telling him how much I enjoyed driving.

    Then the DVLA gave him only a one year licence, and during that year I always asked him if he wanted to drive, but he kept saying that as I liked to drive then I could. When the licence came up for renewal he wanted to renew but hadn't driven all year, so I asked him why bother and his answer was that supposing I had an accident whilst out and needed to be driven home. I reminded him that he probably wouldn't be able to find his way home, and so he agreed to not renew.

    Did I make that sound easy, it wasn't but certainly not as traumatic as it could have been. Phew what a relief that I didn't have to report him and have his licence removed.
     
  6. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    We did a similar thing, Tigerqueen. I think it helped that my husband was diagnosed in very early stages and decline was slow, so I was always thinking ahead and prepared for the driving issue.
    It must be hard when the illness moves quickly and the need to stop driving is more immediate, with less time to prepare.
     
  7. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    It's nearly two years since OH was told by the hospital consultant that he should no longer drive. It was such a relief for me as his spatial awareness had deteriorated and he regularly got lost. I always drove if we went out together as I didn't feel safe with him driving. I felt he was a liability behind the wheel. He had crashed his own car a couple of years before so we had been sharing mine but he still asks most days where his car is, says he's going to drive to wherever. I try and distract and say that I'll take him when I've finished what I'm doing, but if it goes on I have to remind him he doesn't have a licence and then he thinks he did something awful and the police took his licence away. I dread these conversations and hope one day he will forget but it seems unlikely. I do sympathise. xxxx


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  8. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,533
    Female
    Scotland
    Jinx he almost certainly will forget. In 2012 John's licence was due for renewal and I suggested that if we sold the car and just used our travel cards and the occasional taxis we could save a lot of money. I listed all the costs eg road tax, insurance, MOT, petrol, repairs etc and he agreed. We sold the car and he was happy about it but then periodically would ask about it and his licence. I just breezed right through these conversations reminding him how much we were saving.

    Over the three years the subject has dwindled. From the start I was relieved as although his driving was OK he often didn't know where he was going!
     
  9. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    After reading through the replies on this thread I'm so relieved that I didn't have to go through this with Pete. Before he was diagnosed he started to park the car away from the house and forget where he had left it! Then he backed into someone else's car and drove on without leaving a note. The Police were involved as someone had reported him. I sorted that out and we heard no more, but Pete had lost his confidence. Without having 'the conversation' about driving he just never drove again!

    Thank goodness I never had to go through the usual battle.

    Have good days everyone

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,533
    Female
    Scotland
    The pity of it is that these men had driven heroic distances in their day. John drove from the top of New Zealand to the bottom, to the tip of Italy, from north to South of Spain, all across France, Germany, Switzerland etc. yet here he is with dementia unable to find his way home from a couple of streets away.

    It's just not fair.
     
  11. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Fred was heartbroken when they didn't renew his licence but the GP told him it was because of his macuIar degeneration which he was able to relate to rather than down to his reduced mental capacity.
     
  12. JigJog

    JigJog Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    241
    Hi Lucy,

    I'm sorry to read that you have been having a tough time over the last couple of weeks with this.

    I fear that I may be in a similar situation myself in a couple of weeks. OH has to go for a driving assessment on October 14th. The nearest centre is 50 miles away and we have been told to allow 4 hours!

    The assessment will be split into three parts:

    - eye test/memory test/medication etc
    - assessment in a driving simulator
    - assessment in a car owned by the assessment centre; not his own familiar vehicle.
    This will cover about 20 miles on a range of different kinds of roads, including motorway roundabouts.

    I doubt he will pass; the strangeness of the area and car will hinder him and add to that the problems with short term memory, then I feel it will result in him losing his license.

    I think it will be the right decision but just dread the whole experience and the fall out afterwards.

    The centre suggested that he should not go in his own car, as he would not be covered by his insurance to drive home, if he was deemed unfit to drive.

    When I said that I would drive him, a very sensitive lady asked if I felt comfortable driving him home afterwards if he lost his license. I said that I felt that he would be very upset and angry, at which point she suggested public transport, even offering to pick us up and return us to the nearest railway station. How good was that?

    At least that's one less thing to worry about; now I just have to grit my teeth and get through the rest :(
     
  13. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    537
    Female
    Surrey, UK

    I dealt with a similar issue by disabling my mum-in-law's car. That was two months ago. It was the fastest and surest way to stop her driving. At first, she didn't even notice, as she hadn't really used her car very much for a few months preceding this. Various members of our family have been taking her out for shopping trips, hospital appointments etc. for some months now.

    After a few weeks, she did try to start up the car, realised there was something wrong, but somehow, thankfully, never got round to trying to fix it. In the meantime, I had contacted the DVLA, hoping to get a message from someone 'in authority' (i.e. NOT her children!) to say that she should stop driving, or at least take an assessment, which she would never have done. 6 weeks after waiting for a reply, the DVLA wrote to say they were writing to her GP, and the reply could take ANOTHER 6 weeks....:mad: I was about to tear my hair out, but then...

    Last week, out of the blue, my dad-in-law (not a driver but the owner) said he wanted to sell the car! Mum-in-law, being deferential, just said, "Well, your father has made up his mind, so that's that then"! It was an opportunity too good to miss, so yesterday, my brother-in-law 'fixed' the car and drove it away to sell it. I am told that Mum-in-law was a bit upset that the car was so easily 'fixed', but time will tell whether she has any recollection of the events leading up to yesterday.

    I suspect that by the time the DVLA complete their enquiries, she may well have forgotten that she ever was a driver, or had use of a car.
     
  14. Lucy Grace

    Lucy Grace Registered User

    Jul 24, 2015
    17
    I would like to thank everyone who made a comment about my husband having his driving licence taken away. I had noticed for sometime the weird things he used to do e.g. when he saw a green light he would slow down and accelerate at a red light! He never looks to the right at a roundabout and the times we have nearly hit a car!!!

    I know this might sound unkind but the fact he has Alzheimer's he seems to have forgotten about driving but I know tomorrow I am allowed to drive after 7 weeks since my operation it will open another can of worms.

    It is really helpful reading all your stories as I feel I am not alone.

    Lucy Grace
     
  15. Lucy Grace

    Lucy Grace Registered User

    Jul 24, 2015
    17
    Hello JigJog

    Thank you for your reply. I am sorry I have not been in touch but it has not been easy and what I find so difficult is A has become very aggressive - negative - cries and sulks which he never did. He was the most positive man I had ever met with a wonderful sense of humour and now we hardly laugh or have discussions at meal times so I now put the telly on.

    I will be very interested to hear how your husband gets on at his assessment. I had just come out of hospital when Alistair had his so I asked a neighbour to go with him. When they returned my husband said everything had gone well and he had taken Derek out to lunch at a lovely pub to thank him and he had eaten grilled mushrooms!! When my daughter and I bumped into Derek the next day he looked traumatised by it all. He told us the minute A got in the car he said they had to go to Reading!!! Luckily I had told Derek it was in Newbury. It took A 2hrs to do a 20 min journey because he had no idea where he was going!! He had insisted before he left home to take his briefcase which he filled with papers and on top was the address of the driving centre (Derek did not know this)! Of course, A never thought of looking in his briefcase so it was a matter of asking people. A was late but luckily they still tested him and informed him he would hear from the DVLA if he had passed or not! A did not take Derek to a pub - he took him to a service station for a fry up!!!

    Last Sunday my eldest son came and took us out to lunch and I popped in the loo and Alistair asked Geoff where he lived and did he live in a house. He has known my son for 14yrs and been to his home many times!!!

    I have been trying to concentrate on myself to get back to being 100% and last week had my 6 week check-up and the consultant was very pleased with me. I exercise every day which is paying off and I now can walk without any aids. I love my time in the pool as the water is lovely and warm.

    I sometimes JigJog despair as I think what a future I have to look forward to as I am sure you do. Today 2 of his children who live in California were over so they came down for the day as at the moment I cannot have anyone to stay. They see their Dad for a few hours and of course have no idea what I go through with him.

    I am sure running must help you as I know when I went swimming I always felt better afterwards. I am not allowed to swim for 3 months so I just exercise in the pool.

    I think being a carer is the worst job ever. Good luck!

    Lucy Grace


     
  16. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,396
    Male
    Cornwall
    Published 21 September 2015

    The research was commissioned by Alzheimer’s Research UK and carried out by the Office of Health Economics.

    One in three people born in 2015 will develop dementia, new analysis shows
    32% of people born in the UK in 2015, or one in three, will develop dementia during their lifetime


    Just think 32% may lose their driving Licence Now isn’t that Great News
     
  17. pru

    pru Registered User

    Jun 21, 2011
    9
    Dublin
    My dad was told last month after a tia that he was banned from driving with immediate effect.. He got very upset and really really angry. Before being discharged from hospital he tackled the doctor who finally agreed to see him 3 times over next 6 months and to review the situation then. Has anyone heard of this before? It's left everything up in the air and unsettled. At the moment his car is parked at my house to stop him from taking it out. Is the doctor hoping that dad will forget about driving? Is my dad being given false hope of maybe getting the licence back? If the ban proves permanent then he will end up going through the whole painful process of upset, anger, grief, rage, acceptence again. Do you think did the doctor just take the easy way out?
     
  18. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,396
    Male
    Cornwall
    Hi pru I wouldn't for a second suggest allowing someone to drive who is in capable. But if your dad is able and competent then he should fight tooth and nail to retain his driving licence I have dementia for 16 years and was given a driving licence on a 12 monthly basis but wasn't happy with that and fought for12 years to have my full licence back and yes I did I still have dementia and a full driving licence so I wish him luck but he may have to fight , ps I also ride a 1000cc motorcycle when it's nice weather see the photo
     
  19. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    Tony, I'm glad you're still driving, and my other half was really interested in what bike you're riding.
    He has a Royal Enfield and is about to add a 'Bonny' to the nursery, which is being built and cosseted as we speak.

    What I really wanted to ask was, are there any times that you feel unsafe to drive/ride? Are you alert for the signs?
    Do you worry that you may not notice them?
    Gwen x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  20. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,396
    Male
    Cornwall
    #20 Countryboy, Sep 23, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2015
    I know garnet thanks for reply it's a Kawasaki Z1000sx just over 12 months old the problem when when I was given a driving for a one year period I couldn't get insurance because the insurers question is have you got any medical conditions they then ask if you have a driving licence for 1,2,or 3 years nothing about dementia so for twelve years I couldn't get insured that why I fought for so long to get my full licence back obviously now to that same question I have a full licence , yes I am alert to signs and other road users I don't believe in have distractions in cars like radios , is your husbands Royal Enfield in the older bike range I can remember them but never owned one ps I'm 72+ now
     

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