1. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Well my Dad finally got the letter from the DVLA yesterday telling him that he can't drive as from Tuesday. The letter came yesterday morning and he opened it but didn't take it in. My Mum saw the letter and decided to tell him today. My sister rang me first thing this morning to tell me about the letter (as I didn‘t see my Mum yesterday) and to warn me to be ready for the explosion.

    We have been dreading this day ever since the diagnosis in December. We informed the DVLA in December but they didn‘t contact the GP until March. It has taken a further 2 months for the decision to come through. :confused:

    For the next couple of hours I convinced myself, in my usual brand of mindless optimism that all would be fine. When the phone rang at 11.30, I knew that it wasn’t. My Mum told me that my Dad was VERY upset and that she had tried to call my sister but he had slammed the phone down. He had just stormed off in to the garden giving her a chance to ring me.

    I jumped in the car and went over (fortunately I only live 20 mins away). When I got there my Mum had gone out so my Dad was in on his own. He was upset and shocked, but to be honest better than I expected. He doesn't really understand why (as he doesn‘t know he has AD- the consultant told him but he has forgotten/didn‘t understand), but seems to accept it and accepts that the car will go (it is on a lease which is up on 8th June).

    He seems mainly upset that Mum had kept it from him that we had told the DVLA. (unfortunately he sees everything as my Mum’s fault and my sisters and I are the good guys). She says she had told him and he has forgotten. I told him we all knew but that we didn't tell him as we didn't want to upset him until we knew for sure.

    We sat and talked about how we would cope. The thing is, it is taking away that bit more of his independence and he feels like a child having to be driven around. He talked about his first car (a Morris 8 I think), the fact that he never actually passed his driving test, and joked that the DVLA had finally caught up with him after 60+ years :) . (He went into the Navy at 17 and when he was demobbed at the end of the war he applied for his driving licence. As there were so many people applying they waived the requirement to take a test :eek: )

    Considering I was dreading today it has gone much better than it might have done and I am hoping we are over the worst of this particular hurdle (see, back to mindless optimism). On the whole we are relieved that he will no longer be driving and cannot be a danger to himself and others.

    I just hope, come tomorrow he hasn’t forgotten, and we have to tell him all over again.

    Sue
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    they always get you at the end :) tell your dad .

    It is sad for your dad , sounds like your family handle it all lovely , always feel better to blame someone , am referring to your father blaming your mother
     
  3. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Sue
    I'm glad it went better than you thought
    I understand your sadness.......this dreadful disease....and yes...a little more independence gone..........
    love Wendy xx
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,536
    Kent
    Hi Sue,

    I`m so sorry for your dad, it`s as if everything he values is going. It took me back when you said he talked about his first car. Dhiren even now, lists all the cars he`s had in his life time. He He doesn`t remember the registration numbers, unlike my father who remembered the registration numbers of every car he owned, but he remembers the make and colour of each one.

    I hope your mother doesn`t have too bad a time.

    Take care,
     
  5. RussellC

    RussellC Registered User

    Jul 6, 2006
    47
    Dear Sue

    I am sorry that your Dad has lost his licence.

    My Dad cried when he lost his after forty years of being an advanced motorist. We did adapt in time to the new life even thjough we thought we couldn't possibly manage.

    Best wishes

    Russell
     
  6. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    54
    Leicestershire
    Hi, we went thrrough this just a few weeks ago and i understand how you all feel. The driving issue still goes on as it's a major blow for dad. We have found that being consistently honest about why it has to be and that it's for safety reasons, helps. For me, I posted my own question on this before i informed the dvla and people on here made me look and highlight that the safety issue outweighed my dads own 'feelings' and that if anything had happened, i couldn't have dealt with that. Carry on what you are doing cause you are doing your best X
     
  7. mocha

    mocha Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    176
    Lancs, England
    Dear Sue,
    You have my sympathy too as I went through exactly the same thing. As it turned out, our daughter Sue has the car now and was able to take us out in it although Ron sometimes still went round to the driver's side.
    He's in a N.H now but we have manged to get him into it once so far this year. He really enjoyed the 40 min. run into the countryside.
    Love Aileen:)
     
  8. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    My Mother age 90 went ballistic when she got the DVLA letter and looks like it took them 4 months to send it too

    its scary to think of how many cars she damaged in the meantime am just thankfull she did not injure someone
    I think the DVLA should act much quicker but then i also believe everyone should be tested yearly after age of 75 just as they are in New Zealand and Japan
     
  9. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Oh goodness, I know all about not being able to drive. My Mum refused to take any notice of the doctor or letters from the DVLA and the psychiatrist instructed my brother and me to disable to car to stop her from driving. We had to put a crook lock on the car when she wasn't looking.

    To say she went ballistic is the understatement of the century. She called the police and reported us, but fortunately they are used to this sort of thing. It's all calmed down now and in fact because the memory plays tricks with this illness, she now thinks that she actually took the decision not to drive any more.

    My thoughts are with anyone in this position. It is horrible having to remove someone's independence, but so much better than worrying about them driving when they shouldn't and having an accident and/or hurting someone...
     
  10. I'm glad this topic came up, though I'm sorry for those of you whose partners or parents are no longer allowed to drive.

    We're waiting for the results of mum's brain scan, but I know that she is not well enough to drive. Thankfully she doesn't have the confidence to do so, so it's not been an issue so far. But this thread has made me realise that we should contact the DVLA, which I'll make sure is done if mum's results are what we think they'll be.

    Then I'm left in a really awkward position. Last year, when I last visited mum, she said that when she could no longer drive her car, that she would give it to me. I don't know if she'll remember saying that :eek: And if she doesn't, will I sound like a vulture if I tell my sister that we need to report mum to the DVLA as no longer being fit enough to drive, and, oh, by the way, can I have mum's car? :rolleyes:

    I'd rather have my mum back though. I don't want her car, I just want her back.:(
     
  11. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    I know exactly how you feel, material possessions mean nothing, do they?

    With this disease, as with any terminal disease, we learn that what matters most is people, not things.

    Wishing you well in the days ahead.

    Kathleen
    x
     
  12. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Spoke too soon

    My sister rang me just before I went out last night to say that she had received a call from my Mum. My Dad was going ballistic and blaming my Mum for the whole thing. My sister spoke to him on the phone and managed to calm him down.

    When I rang later it seems Dad had taken himself off to bed, then got up, had a gin and tonic and settled down to watch the rugby as if nothing had happened.

    Hopefully he's not forgotten. My mum really does take the brunt and I don't know what we can do about that.

    Will see what today brings.

    Thanks for all your support. We know it's for the best before anthing happens. The only thing we know happened between reporting to the DVLA and yesterday is that he got a speeding ticket in March - 38 in a 30 mph limit. Pretty normal behaviour :)

    Sue
     
  13. Gromit

    Gromit Registered User

    Apr 3, 2006
    187
    Edinburgh
    Sue

    I recall you telling me some time ago that you were waiting for the decision. Its dreadful how long it takes isn't it?

    I notified DVLA about my Dad's diagnosis last week. I left the envelope unsealed all day so that I could tell him I was notifying them and he could read it again if he liked. He seemed happy with it and signed the letter - I wrote it on his behalf. Then later he would forget - but luckily I could show him the letter again. We were hoping that after a whole day of reminding him we were sending the letter and showing it to him it might sink in. The letter was sent, and I bet he has now forgotten. I also notified insurance and got Dad a new quote - that has come through now.

    I was hoping the DVLA would be able to assess in a much quicker time scale. I don't want Dad to lose his license but to be honest I would rather he got used to using public transport now while he is still able - then at least he will maintain some independence. At least he has Mum to help him. But we can't get him anywhere near buses or trains whilst he still has the car. He only drives short distances - the consultant thinks he is still ok to drive. However, Mum and Dad want to visit me soon for a holiday of sorts (they love Edinburgh) and I we are having a battle with Dad about taking the train. Oh joy! Back to the patience and persistence again. I never thought I would get Dad to sign a letter to the DVLA so who knows I might eventually get him on the train!

    Sue - I hope things settle down a bit for your Mum. I can't imagine what it must be like to have something taken away like this - it must be a horrible feeling of helplessness - and hence the need to blame and vent anger at times.

    I will keep my fingers crossed that this phase passes quickly for you and your Mum - and that your Dad gets used to the new situation quickly also.

    Thinking of you.

    Alison
    x
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,536
    Kent
    Dear Sue,

    Reading that brought back memories. Please tell your mum, my husband never even mentions driving now. In fact he`d accepted not driving after possibly 3 months. He still has his licence in his wallet. It will be out of date next year. My biggest fear is the DVLA asking for it back.
     
  15. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Alison,

    Thanks for your support. Surprisingly my Dad has accepted he can't drive any more. Yesterday he took all his things out of the car and parked it in front of the house, ready to be taken away.

    Unfortunately he is taking everything out on my Mum. I had to call on my way to work this morning as he was in bad state. He is going to go and live somewhere else he says (not sure where). She had to locked him in the house until I got there (he wasn't going to take the car as he knows he can't drive). Unfortunately this just made things worse. I am sure it is a reaction to the driving thing but he says no, he is fine with that, it is my Mum who is the problem.

    We will just have to ride this one out and wait for the next one.

    Alison, I wouldn't expect any decision from the DVLA any time soon. My Dad signed the letter to the DVLA, but of course had forgotten about it by the time the letter came. Perhpas we should have kept mentioning it. Your idea about getting your Dad used to public transport may help to keep it in his mind that he may lose his licence.

    Sue
     
  16. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Sylvia,

    As I say my Dad seems to have accepted it to a certain extent because it has come from the DVLA and not from the doctor or 'that fella' (i.e. the Consultant).

    I'm wondering if maybe he's actually a bit relieved that he can no longer drive.

    I hope when the time comes for Dhiren that things go a bit easier for you.

    Sue
     
  17. Gromit

    Gromit Registered User

    Apr 3, 2006
    187
    Edinburgh
    Will listen to them

    Dad wouldn't take any notice from Mum and I about having to report it to the DVLA. He even fibbed one day to us saying he had called them - which of course we knew he hadn't (he is also getting devious - a bit like us too I suppose!).

    Anyway - at the memory clinic I mentioned it to the Consultant who told Dad in no uncertain terms that he had to notify the DVLA. All the way from the clinic and at my parents home I kept reminding Dad what the Consultant said - so that's how we got to report it to the DVLA - amazing how when someone else says he has to do something he will - but not when we say so.

    Sue, I truly feel awful for you and your Mum at the moment. It must be especially difficult when your Dad blames your Mum. My Dad tries to blame Mum when things go wrong or are lost - but he forgets pretty quickly so it never becomes much of an issue. I hope your Dad soon comes around, who knows what the underlying reasons are for the blame - its difficult to get inside someone's head who is suffering from memory problems. Perhaps it is a defence mechanism of sorts?

    I'm pleased that your Dad has come to terms with no longer driving, that's progress - and also proof that terrible situations like losing your license can be dealt with - lets hope that you get the progress you need soon for you Dad to be happy with your Mum again. Not sure if that sounds right - I am sure your Dad is very happy with your Mum - its just a nasty grey cloud that has appeared - I'm hoping for a big gust of wind for you and your Mum to blow it away.

    Love

    Alison
     
  18. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    I know exactly what you mean. This morning my Mum was the worst woman in the world and he was going to go and live somewhere where people would look after him and care for him as he doesn't want to live with her anymore. An hour later (when she got to work) he rang her to ask her where his glasses were. Now as he was wearing them when she left she couldn't answer that question. :D And he thinks he can cope without her.

    I think it is clear from reading many of the posts on here that it is the one closest that gets it. I guess my Dad has to blame someone for the way he is and she's the obvious candidate.

    Sue
     
  19. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    You sure got that right.
     
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Oh yes, Sue. That's exactly the way it is!:(
     

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