Letting my dad settle in to care home

Big foot

New member
Dec 28, 2019
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My dad is very aggressive and violent should we let him settle in and not visit all the time
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
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Welcome to the forum. Has your dad just gone into a care home? Was he aggressive and violent before going into the home or has this started when you visit him? Some people settle quicker than others and there's no right or wrong way but if you are visiting daily and your dad isn't showing signs of settling then it wouldn't hurt to take a break from visiting for a while. Maybe go every 2/3 days rather than every day? Your dad will need to get into a routine and start to get to know the care staff and other residents so cutting down on visits initially may help him to mix more. If you haven't already done so speak to the care staff to find out how your dad is when you aren't visiting and ask if they have any suggestions to help him settle. If his aggression and violence continues ask for a medication review as there may be something available to help him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
Hello @Big foot and welcome to DTP

Im assuming that your dad is now in a care/nursing home. Do your visits set him off?
People with dementia are often very good at picking up on body language. I used to find that mum would mirror my mood, so that if I was upset, mum would be too and if I was cheerful then she would be. People with dementia who are aggressive and violent are often very anxious and if he picks up that you are too this could make him worse. Staff who are used to dealing with this sort of situation usually know how to deal with it in a calm and matter-of-fact way and know how to refuse the situation.
I think it might be best to back off and only visit for short times, or perhaps not visit for a few days.
You can phone up and find out how he is
 

Big foot

New member
Dec 28, 2019
6
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Hello @Big foot and welcome to DTP

Im assuming that your dad is now in a care/nursing home. Do your visits set him off?
People with dementia are often very good at picking up on body language. I used to find that mum would mirror my mood, so that if I was upset, mum would be too and if I was cheerful then she would be. People with dementia who are aggressive and violent are often very anxious and if he picks up that you are too this could make him worse. Staff who are used to dealing with this sort of situation usually know how to deal with it in a calm and matter-of-fact way and know how to refuse the situation.
I think it might be best to back off and only visit for short times, or perhaps not visit for a few days.
You can phone up and find out how he is

Yes been there for 4 weeks keeps kicking off and asking to come home . he thinks he is in prison
and the staff are prison officers. so he act accordingly. We take turns visiting. each day I fill we should back off just don’t know what’s best for him
 

Big foot

New member
Dec 28, 2019
6
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He as been there for 4 weeks we take turns visiting he kicks of and believes he in prison
and act accordingly by attacking who he believes are prison staff. I try to explains to him
that there not as I fill so bad for the staff and other people in the care home
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
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UK
hello @Big foot
a warm welcome to DTP
dad had some challenging moments and I found it best to retreat so he didn't have me around to turn to or fixate on
I do agree with talking things over with the staff who will be able to let ypu know how your dad is when he has no visitors
at one point the manager of dad's care home called in the Community Psychiatric Team to assess him and suggest ways to support him, including looking at his meds ... that was really helpful

PS I cross posted with you
given what you describe, it may be helpful to the staff for family not to visit so much, so they can establish relationships with your dad
maybe distract rather than try to explain ... I found with dad that for one thing he was no longer able to follow any explanation and also he simply took me trying to explain as conformation that something was wrong and he was right, which escalated his behaviour ... I turned to making non-commital noises/responses, saying I was sorry he was upset but not engaging with whatever he was saying, and immediately suggesting a coffee and chocolate biscuit somewhere else with a bif smile on my face .. sometimes worked well; other times we just had to let him be in his room and wait for him to settle ... not easy for anyone
 
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Big foot

New member
Dec 28, 2019
6
0
hello @Big foot
a warm welcome to DTP
dad had some challenging moments and I found it best to retreat so he didn't have me around to turn to or fixate on
I do agree with talking things over with the staff who will be able to let ypu know how your dad is when he has no visitors
at one point the manager of dad's care home called in the Community Psychiatric Team to assess him and suggest ways to support him, including looking at his meds ... that was really helpful

PS I cross posted with you
given what you describe, it may be helpful to the staff for family not to visit so much, so they can establish relationships with your dad
maybe distract rather than try to explain ... I found with dad that for one thing he was no longer able to follow any explanation and also he simply took me trying to explain as conformation that something was wrong and he was right, which escalated his behaviour ... I turned to making non-commital noises/responses, saying I was sorry he was upset but not engaging with whatever he was saying, and immediately suggesting a coffee and chocolate biscuit somewhere else with a bif smile on my face .. sometimes worked well; other times we just had to let him be in his room and wait for him to settle ... not easy for anyone
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Ah, it does sound like your visits are setting him off, so it might be best not to visit him for a while to let him get used to the staff and his surroundings.

Before mum settled I used to take cake or sweets in when I visited so that as soon as I saw her bottom lip tremble I could produce the present as a distraction. Distraction worked much better than anything else. I learned before mum moved into her care home that trying to reason or explain just made matters worse and trying to comfort her just reinforced in her mind that there was something to worry about.

I found that saying goodbye was often a trigger point for her wanting to come back with me, so I stopped saying goodbye. I used to leave my coat and bag in the managers office so that there was no visual cue that I was leaving and instead I just used to say I was going to the loo. I also used to time my visits so that I would leave just as a meal arrived - oh look, mum, your dinner is here. I must just nip to the loo - Ill be back soon.

Another thing worth mentioning is that I didnt visit mum in the evenings as she would be sundowning then and was always much more confused a belligerent, so I always made sure that I left well before 3:00pm
 

Big foot

New member
Dec 28, 2019
6
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it is so hard after a few weeks watching him disintegrate so fast. I’m in a place where I have no control
and fill so useless. I have so much respect and sadness for people that care for family members for many years
and hear I am after 6 weeks in all early days
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
you're not useless @Big foot
you are standing by your dad and doing the best you can for him, and part of that was arranging for him to have the 24 hour support he now needs
sadly we each have to accept that dementia is in control and we have to go with the flow, mitigating whatever we are able to
your dad is fortunate to have you looking out for him
 

Big foot

New member
Dec 28, 2019
6
0
you're not useless @Big foot
you are standing by your dad and doing the best you can for him, and part of that was arranging for him to have the 24 hour support he now needs
sadly we each have to accept that dementia is in control and we have to go with the flow, mitigating whatever we are able to
your dad is fortunate to have you looking out for him



Thank you
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
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As Shedrech said, caring for someone doesn't have to mean looking after them yourself. You and your family have got your father the care he needs. He may not yet be settled and happy, but he is safe. Hopefully he will settle in the weeks to come. In the meantime, it may be better for both him and the family if the visits were less frequent.