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Letter to Jean.


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
Dearest Jean,

Why am I writing this when your ability to read, speak or understand language has entirely gone?

The answer is I need to write it because I am alone and can say what I need to say in a considered manner without regarding any feedback from immediate listeners who I may bore rigid.

Our relationship, approaching our 41st Wedding Anniversary, is collapsing. Yes, love, I know it is not your fault. Please bear with me for a while.

Over the last few weeks, since Christmas really, it has become plain to me that you are not happy living here. The demons you have in your head are taking over in a big way.

I have lost count of the hours you sit on the bottom step of the stairs, rocking backwards and forwards, weeping uncontrollably and disregarding prolonged efforts to calm and comfort you.

It would be churlish of me to make a list of your doings because it would sound like I am ganging up on you and that I have nothing better to do than follow you round picking faults.

However, I must say that I am very very concerned about the recent development which involves hitting yourself in an attempt to rid yourself of the whatever hallucinations you are having and, about which, you have no language to express.

No, listen for just a little while longer, please. This is about you and not about me.

You don't know me anymore. I am a face from which you cower when I shout. A face that makes you laugh less and less.

Just a face that watches over you in the darkness of the night to make sure that you are safe and comfortable. A face that you tell to "go home" 100 times a day and yes, a face that breaks down and sobs when it can't help anymore.

I want you to be happy, comfortable, safe and loved. I can do the last one but I am no longer sure that I can do the first two anymore.

No, love, it's not just me I'm thinking of. Yes, I know it sounds like it but just consider the frustration I have when nothing works and I can see you slipping away with real venom in your eyes as you struggle with your disease.

In your struggle, I have been an innocent party, as you have. You did not ask to be this way. Neither did I. Together we have fought long and hard. Perhaps too long, I don't know.


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Grommit,
Thank you for allowing us to share your letter to Jean.
Unfortunatley, it made me cry because it echos what I went through with Peter.
Love to you and Jean


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
So, for your benefit, I have started to look for somewhere that help better than I can.

The time has come when you no longer want to live here and I need to know that you are safe.

Yes, of course, you will still have the rocking and weeping sessions and the shouting, arm waving and self harm, but perhaps it will not break my heart so much if I cannot see it.

Don't worry about me chuck. I shall just be lonely, miserable, wretched and down for a while, but i have good friends that can help.

No, I don't want to shove you in somewhere,. walk off and leave you distressed, confused and totally unhappy. I am sure that we can make it easier than that, for us both.

Don't worry love.




Registered User
Dec 27, 2004
How heartbreaking to read this , such pain , for both you and jean , i think you have reached that place now derek ,where you can not do it alone , you have never got all the help you should have had , i know you are trying to put things in place now for both your sakes , but mainly for jean . i am glad you have some good friends , and many on here who can only listen, and sympathise, sometimes that helps a little bit , take care ,Angela.xx

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Grommit,
Your letter to Jean is the most moving post I have read.
It has affected me deeply.
I can only hope you and Jean find some semblance of peace.
With love xx
Last edited:


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Thank you Grommit for sharing your letter to Jean with us. As Grannie said it is also one of the most moving posts I'v read. As I wipe the tears from my keyboard and my eyes I send both you and Jean love and hugs.



Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Dear Grommit

What a heartfelt post.....I very much doubt if there is a dry eye in the house.

Please...never feel alone....there are so many people here who will support you and help you through this...but i know your heart is breaking.

Your love for Jean shines through your despair....it is so hard seeing the woman you love so deeply and with whom you have shared your life for so long going through such torment.

You will still share your life with Jean but in a different way.

My love to you both and i will always be here for you



Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Don't worry about me chuck. I shall just be lonely, miserable, wretched and down for a while, but i have good friends that can help.
Dear, dear Derek

Your letter breaks my heart. You have loved and cared for your lovely Jean for so long, and I understand your heartbreak, I've been there.

Try to believe what you have written. You are not abandoning Jean. You love her dearly, that shines through every word of your letter. But you can do no more. It is time for the professionals to take over the day to day care, and allow you some peace to come to terms with what has happened to your life and love.

I know you won't abandon Jean, you're not the man for that, and hopefully with professional care she may come through this phase so that you can both enjoy your visits.

Don't forget your friends here on TP, who all love and sympathise with you.



Dear Grommit

Your letter to Jean is the most beautiful love letter I have ever read.

Thank you so much for allowing us all to read it.

She and you will come through this difficult time - and you will have the strength to give her even more of the love you share.

As Wendy said, not a dry eye anywhere near a keyboard, which is proof (as if it were needed!) that you have touched us all with your letter to Jean.

Take care,


Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Derek Cariad

I dont think I have ever read such a tender, loving letter, like everyone the tears have been rolling. You have done all you can, and more for Jean.

You know that your little Sista's are here for you 100%.
No words of wisdom honey, but sending you a massive hug.


Cate xxxxx

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
The demons you have in your head are taking over in a big way.
Grommitt ...... I find it hard to respond ...... so will do so in a very different way .... (as you might expect).....

Before you open this link, I want to ask you to think of two things .... (apart from forgiveness that my musical taste, as ever, may not be yours) .... you are NOT giving up ....... but how much longer can you chase pavements and keep trying to chase Jean's demons away on your own ......?????

It is time for help .... before there is (metaphorically) an almighty crash that sees BOTH you and Jean go under .....

(Please read the lyrics - this is very much a love song. To keep chasing pavements on your own would be to give up on Jean now. I believe you know what is right for you both now .... that is selfless love, Grommitt .... be proud ....).


Love, Karen, x


Registered User
May 20, 2006
North East
Dear Grommit

That was so moving and although it's a letter that's so personal to you and Jean, it no doubt hit's home to so many people.

It's inspired me to write my own letter to my Mum - not to post here or to give to her, but just to put down in writing what I actually feel.

Thank you so much for sharing this in what is obviously a very hard and distressing time for you and Jean

Libs x


Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
East Midlands
Oh Grommit,

You always made me smile when I was feeling low..

I wish sincerely I could do the same for you, now...

Only you know what is best for you both..and we're here for you both...

Love Gigi xx


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Dear Grommit, I have no words of comfort or advice. Your letter has moved me so much.

Always remember we are here, at any time, to listen.
My love to you and Jean. Stay brave sweetheart.


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
I think, at this stage I would like to do two things.

First, and most important, is to thank you all for your posts.

You are right when you say I have no need to be alone when there are such people as yourselves who are willing to drop everything and post your support for me.

I am truly humbled and gratified for your attention. These are kindnesses which I will find impossible to repay.

Secondly, I need to add a word of explanation as to why I posted.

Over the 6 years since Jean was diagnosed, I have had ups and downs.

At first, the ups outnumbered the downs and the downs never lasted very long. A matter of a few days or so. I was low but could rally myself without a great deal of effort.

A nice summers day, looking forward to a holiday or a meeting of friends was quite sufficient.

Gradually, however, the downs became deeper and the and I noticed that the period between the downs was shortening.

As each down approached I tried different methods to counteract them Change of lifestyle, looking at the situations differently and the bottle.

Some worked, some didn't. The ones that did not, such as the bottle, I discarded.

The ones that did work were only short term and could not keep me sustained through the following down.

I have posted the letter today in an attempt to offset the down which is fast approaching in the belief that it will help me to face it. I needed to get the brooding off my chest and could not think of any other way to do it except share it amongst friends

I think that it may well have worked. Your generous and heartfelt responses have been a boost.

I can face what is to come and I will.

Who knows, if Barnsley (where I was born and brought up) can beat Liverpool at football, I may even retrieve part of my sense of humour in a short while.

Again, I thank you all for your help.


Registered User
Jan 29, 2008
Ashford, Kent
Dear Grommit

Thank you for sharing that.

My heart is filled with sadness. It must be so hard watching the one you love in such torment.

I wish you all the best.

Beverley x


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
How I empathise with you Grommit. It is so hard to be rational and control the gut wrenching emotions. After all we are dealing with our most chrished 'other half' but like me, I think you have come to a point where it is getting almost impossible to care 24/7. I know that whatever happens in the immediate future, you will never, never abandon your loved one, even though at times it might feel like that. xx TinaT


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
I am truly humbled and gratified for your attention. These are kindnesses which I will find impossible to repay.

Dear Derek

There's no question of repayment. You've already given so much to TP, not just with your startling sense of humour, but by your support when any of us have been in trouble.

Like many of us, I know those ever-deepening lows, and how impossible it is to believe that you'll ever come out of them.

I may even retrieve part of my sense of humour in a short while.
Don't worry about that just now. Though we love your jokes, and will rejoice when they reappear, that's only one part of our Grommit. At the moment, it's the loving, giving, suffering Derek that's in our hearts.

Keep in touch, love, we need to know you're OK.


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