Letter of wishes

[Kookie]

Hello

I was wondering if anyone had experiences of writing a 'letter of wishes'? What should you include? The letter is a 'beyond the grave' (the solicitor's description) message from my dad (the carer) to his trustees (me and my brothers) as guidance for how we look after mum if he pre-deceases her.

We all already approach mum's Alzeimers in different ways -varying from sticking your head in the sand and ignoring it, not really believing it as an illness and wanting to support in every way possible. My dad is amazing with her but if he does die first he needs to know that she will be cared for in the way he would like. She is still at home now so we don't know what comes next.

thanks

 

[FifiMo]

Hmmmmm interesting question.

I guess he could start by saying that irrespective of everyone's own views about your mum's health that everyone should work with the medical professionals to ensure that she has the best help and support possible. He could say what his expectations are with regards to her staying in her home and the extent to which he would like you all to support this. He might then say what he would like to see by way of a care home if it becomes necessary to consider this. Maybe he even has a care home in mind? What about funding all of this too? I take it he expects any monies to go towards her care before anyone else benefits? Would he have particular roles for each of his children perhaps, eg ones that match their abilities or their attitude towards what is happening with their mum. Would someone be better placed, say, to manage the finances, someone to manage day to day stuff like appointments etc and one to manage the more caring/emotional support? The fact he feels it necessary to leave such a letter means that there is something on his mind about his kids perhaps not making the right decisions with regards to their mum. If there are "problem" areas or areas of conflict within the family then he might want to say more specifically what he does not want.

He might also want to share not just with the family but with other professionals associated with your mum's care, what he knows her wishes to be. This could be useful should she ever lose the capacity to manage her own affairs and would leave a record of what she would and wouldn't want to happen. Things like she would/wouldn't want to be rescusitated, would not want to be hospitalised unless in pain, would want to be treated with dignity and respect, would not want to be artificially kept alive (or maybe she would). Finally, he might want to leave a record of her wishes as to what might happen following her death - would she want to be buried or cremated, that kind of thing (there was a post recently from people who were agonising over this because they had never discussed it as a family).

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[zeeeb]

If it were me, i'd write the letter of wishes, and give it to the children, individually now. so that they all know my wishes, and can discuss it further with me now, before i die, if they need clarification on anything, best to talk about it before I die. And then include the same (if not very similar) letter to be given after I died to reinforce my wishes.

Apart from that, i think someone told me when someone in my family died, that once you are gone, you can't control how things pan out. It is no longer your problem. Unfortunately as is often the case, different people deal with things differently, and it's very emotive and confrontational when death becomes involved.

Perhaps he should try and guage now who will best follow his (and your mums) wishes and give the control to that person. I know me and my sister, we are worlds apart in the way we approach things. Neither is better or worse, but surely one of us is more likely to handle things more appropriately according to our parents wishes and that one person should be left in control if we couldn't agree on how to proceed.

 

[Chemmy]

Hello Kookie

Welcome to Talking Point.

I agree with much of what has been suggested but particularly the bit about discussing all the issues with the family in advance. You all need to be singing from the same song sheet - it's no good your dad writing "Your mum doesn't want to go into a care home and I don't want that either" and then expecting the rest of the family to fall in with those wishes. That might not be possible for all sort of reasons. Your dad can't assume one of you is prepared to take on the same level of care as him.

My parents and I talked openly for years before Dad's death and Mum's dementia about the "What ifs.." so I have not had the same guilt over the difficult decisions I've had to make as many others on the forum. I cannot emphasise how grateful I am to them for having had the presence of mind to pre-empt the problems.

My OH's family, on the other hand, has adopted the "We'll deal with it when it happens" approach and I can see trouble ahead (won't do power of attorney, won't discuss care plans if MIL has another stroke) - real head in the sand stuff. They may get away with it - she may pass away peacefully in her sleep - but chances are there'll be a crisis and they'll all be running around in a panic trying to sort something out, whilst I''m sitting on the sidelines saying I told you so.

So my suggestion is that you all sit down with your dad and everyone speaks honestly about what they feel should happen and try and get a consensus, which your dad can then write down. But you all need to be completely frank; no-one - especially you as the daughter - should be co-erced into becoming your mum's full-time carer if that's not what you want. I made it clear to my parents that moving in with me and my family was never an option and they agreed with that.

Let us know how you get on, won't you?

 

[Grannie G]

People can discuss their wishes and agree to care of loved ones after the death of primary carers, but no one can predict how the lives of those complying will develop.

I have read enough on TP to know the guilt felt by those who have made promises they find themselves unable to keep and wouldn`t wish that on anyone.

 

[Chemmy]

Exactly Sylvia. It's a letter of 'wishes' - not 'commandments' - and the family should not feel guilty in any way if things turn out different and those wishes are impossible to fulfil.

The future is impossible to predict and all any of us can do is our best at the time.