Lets talk about sex....

[christine_batch]

At last someone has spoke and the sex issue.

I was already to sign off when I came upon the subject of sex. Wondering what direction is was going to take, I read what had been written. Good on you for sending it. I was at a Carers' Meeting one morning and being the second youngest there, one gentleman in his early 80's asked a gentleman in his 70's did he still have sex with his wife ? I looked across at the youngest one there and her face was a picture. The only thing that really I found very hard to accept was the 80 ish gentleman wife was just coming out of hospital that afternoon. She has to have daily care and moved by hoist. I was horrified but my imagination went to that saying. Lay there and think of England. On my personel life, being married to my husband for 16 years, 4 of which he has Alzheimers, the memoiries, missing his cuddles and kisses even just holding my hand I missed more. He was unable to call me by my name 16 months ago. As for you young man at 30, the worry and stress is with us all the time. I have terrible nightmares,even on sleeping tablets only get approximately 3-5 hours sleep.
You should put on some romantic music, have a intimate dinner, a dessert of strawberries and cream (so I am told) get into the relaxed state of mind. Saying all this, I hope you are going to keep us informed of your progress as quite a lot of people do experience this and Alzheimers do have a Fact Sheet on this. All else failing - go into imagination mode - perhaps it will work. Please keep us "GOLDEN OLDIES" informed because I think it is going to be interesting for us.
But I wish you good luck. Christine

 

[Kate P]

Ah what a thorny subject indeed!

Well, my humble thoughts on this are as follows:

I think Brucie is right in that it's the loss of affection and emotion that is hitting dad hardest. At mum and dad's anniversary party they danced together and dad looked at mum as lovingly as he always had but she was in a "daze" for want of another word and didn't respond to him at all. It was difficult to watch.

In terms of loss of sex drive myself, it certainly went out of the window at the most stressful points in the run up to where we are now - trying to get information, fighting with mum and dad (not literally) to make them see what was going on and just the general grieving processes, which I think you inevitably go through.

However, I've been in counselling and have learnt to seperate my home life with hubby from what goes on with mum and dad (which is hard as we live round the corner!). I don't know whether it will be something that can continue for the duration but for now it's put us back on track and I'm being more of a wife to him again (in terms of my emotional connection to him as well as sex). To be honest my thoughts for those in the "child" position are plan a decadent romantic evening, have a go and maybe you'll get into it again - sorry to be so blunt!

I think that for me AZ is so far reaching in terms of repercussions on everyone connected to it, that I wanted to put up some boundries to restrict the impact on others - why should my children and husband suffer more than they need to?

I hope I haven't offended anyone if I've been too blunt - in terms of this crippling disease, I think we all have to do whatever we can to make things work as well as we can.

Kate P
XXX

 

[cris]

at last 2 years on

This thread was started nearly 2 years ago by jc141265. I wonder if Christine realised this especially as she starts "at last". It would be interesting if jc could update us. As a carer, this disease has numbed me. I am now "machine". If Susan will not do something, say bath, or go to bed, or try the toilet. There is no way of reasoning so I just pick up the pieces afterwards, or clean up. (not often I have to do that, I'll add) Love changes. We used to have a good sex life, now it's zero. Love changes for sure. I feel a bit like a zombie now. My mind has no stimulating conversation. I'll correct that. My mind has no conversation. For nearly 2 or 3 months now I have Susan wishing she was dead. Crying, sobbing. We go over the same ground every day, nearly all day. - " I want to go home / have you seen my mum. / I want to get out. / I wish i was dead " The only stimulation my mind has is thinking about TP and posting a thread or response. Choosing words carefully. Oh mustn't forget the shopping list. My last holiday was January 2003. I have not had a nights break from Susan since. Don't get me wrong, we have had some fantastic holidays. When I knew what was happening, we squeezed in some good ones. I can not study. I past part 1 of a home study course, but part 2, 3 are on indefinite hold. Susan requires too much attention. It is not possible to sit and read or answer question papers. Life for me has finished, like sex. If I care for her for another 10 years I'll be 67. Physically now I feel almost as good as when I was 40. Though perhaps I'm not. Mentally I'm drained. I'm just a machine. Machines don't have sex. (unless you're Barbarella). I make plans, dreaming I think it's called, but that'll will keep me going till I'm 67, then I can bin them all because mentally I will be broken. Yes love changes. I do get to cuddle Susan, she likes that, when she is in a good mood, not if in a bad mood. Sex with her would not "feel" right. It would be wrong. But I love her - differently. Sex is a distance memory now, so is it so important ? Perhaps not. Just to write this has taken about 3&1/2 hours, in between sorting Susan's needs. I am too embarrassed to tell you the highlight of my week. Sex ends love does not.
cris - I hope jc that you will update us.
ps I've written **** sorry. Relevant - I'm not sure

 

[jc141265]

Update as requested...

jc's sex life has NOT improved!!
Although occasionally it does have a good period...if I am away from the Dad situation long enough to block my emotions about him out.
Glad to see though that my thread at least aired the topic and allowed others to discuss it.
All I can say to you cris, is that you sound like u are at one of the hardest stages...hopefully if things move in the same direction for you as it did for my mother, you will eventually get a little less stress of the 'constant needs' type...although the stress of seeing your loved one go through this remains...
Best of luck all...

 

[jackie1]

Cris my feeling are very similar to yours. The love is still there but it has changed. I no longer have those feelings for John, I wish I did as I'm sure he is missing that side of the relationship as much as I am. But I just can't, and actively avoid going to bed until he is asleep. I know I'm letting him down but the block is there and it wont go away. I feel like I now have 3 children rather than 2, so sex just feels so wrong.

 

[annesharlie]

I totally can relate to Jackie's last post - this issue has become increasingly difficult for me ( not Ron, still keen) as I am now more in a caregiver/nurturer/mother-type role with him it is very, very unsettling to switch to role of lover. So much so that I don't want to encourage him by being affectionate - he'll read that as an invitation.
I really don't know how to handle this, and how much longer I'll be able to carry on. For me, sex is to do with a relationship of consenting adults and now neither of these words truly apply. Of course he is unable to see this or recognize why anything has changed at all. Anyone out there who has had to manage something similar?

Thanks

 

[zebb37]

interesting topic. I'm not sure how much i have to add other than to agree that sex with my wife would now seem very strange.

Our relationship has changed so much it would seem inapropriate.

I still do feel as sexual as ever. Just somewhat frustrated these days

 

[bel]

a kiss

i dont have long to read this thread
but i can say loving ---etc was a big thing with bob
and i still try and make it so
but i find it hard to go from carer all the time to being --love bel x

 

[bel]

the sex thing i like to call it love

not on the same vein i know
but i dont know if any one can help these last few weeks and i feel AWFULsaying this
when bob grabs my b-- in shop or trys to kiss me or says se-- remarks i cant handle it even on the one day a week i now make love to him sunday morning i cant open my eyes
to look at him he has that far away child like look on his face yet i know i have to go through with it for him PRETEND -- sorry i am going on
love bel x

 

[connie]

Bel my love - this is the one place you can be "honest"..

This is a terrible dilemma. We 'love' our partners, with all that means. Loving gestures, our own range of 'foreplay', yes even sex

But where does this leave us, 'sex with someone we now regard as a child, certainly not the partner we started out with.

Bel, it is the same, yet different, for all of us. Together we are stronger, able to cope. Thank you for posting so honestly, so openly.

(For me, this is past, Lionel is in a care home. Does not mean I don't still feel)
You are very brave. Love

 

[bel]

dear connie

being honest
thanks you sylvi ske so many i cant thank enough
i know i have to admit to visiting ps---i am not coping
i feel like a ba--
bob looks well and an hour or so you would think him fine
love bel x