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Let Dad visit or best not to?


Registered User
Jan 7, 2016
Up until 5 weeks ago mum was living at home with dad and going into day care for 4 days. I think dad was not really coping with her but did not want to accept that she needed to go into a home. She has had dementia for about 7 years. She had, I guess mid to late stage dementia and was beginning to become incontinent, again he was not accepting this.
Then he was diagnosed with bladder cancer and all of a sudden got a urine infection leading to being rushed into hospital. We got mum into emergency respite for the weekend and then on the Monday she moved to a care home for respite of 5 weeks. From there things have gone down hill ending up with her in hospital with cellulitis and urine infection, MRSA etc etc!! She has just gone down hill with regards to her dementia, during this time dad was unable to visit her and she kept asking for him, her bed was lowered to the floor with a crash mat at the side because she kept trying to get out of bed, all in all the hospital did not cope very well with her. She is now back to the care home and they are seeing if they can meet her needs. What is the most distressing and the reason I am writing this is, she keeps shouting out and calling for dad or myself, the care home have said it is probably best for dad not to go and see her at the moment to let her settle. But am I doing the right thing, should she see dad even though it is also distressing for him too! They have been together 67 years and have never really been apart. I just don't know what to do, please has anyone got some advice for me!!! :confused:


Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
Welcome to TP :)

I'd listen to the care home advice & not take your dad at the moment. I know it's difficult but your mum needs to settle.


Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
Brixham Devon
What does your Dad want to do? I think the decision should be his. Very difficult situation though. I hope you can work something out that benefits them both.

take care

Lyn T XX


Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
I agree with lyn that your Dad should decide what he thinks is best - every couple are different and he knows your Mum better than anyone.

The trouble is that she is obviously fearful that having spent 67 years together he has suddenly disappeared, it is troubling her all the time and the only way she can express that fear is by asking for your Dad. For some people it might be a good thing to remove the person closest to them (although to be honest I find it a bit hard to work out as we would never say that about a child who for example they wanted to settle in hospital, they would say bring the family in, so I can't work out where the thinking comes from - when I first went to boarding school they didn't allow us to see parents for 6 weeks and I can honestly say it didn't help me settle I just counted the days and hours!)

Everyone will have a different take on this


Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
seems rather cruel to not let her see him no matter how distressing for all concerned


Registered User
May 21, 2014
They have been married for 67 years! Is she just supposed to forget him now? Of course they should be able to see each other! I understand where the nurses are coming from regarding settling but she might not settle at all if she doesn't know he's ok. Let him see her at least once, if it makes things worse, you can stop the visits, but it might calm her down and make her less fearful. I firmly believe that my OH had no lasting traumas from his recent hospital visit because I was there every day as a reassuring presence.


Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
Do you have a smartphone? Could you maybe record a message from your dad and play it to your mum when you visit her, and see how she reacts. Make a decision from there maybe or record another message for Dad from Mum. They both must feel like they are torn in two bless them.


Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
As others have said,let your Dad decide.Unfortunately it might not help Mum,she might not remember his visit but it's worth a try if Dad is OK with it.My parents weren't able to see each other for the last 18 months of my mother's life.They were in different homes and there wasn't a single time when they were both well enough at the same time if that makes sense.Terribly sad.


Registered User
Jan 7, 2016

Thanks everyone for your replies. Luckily dad visited mum today and she is more settled, so I am glad we followed the homes advice and waited. I guess they are the experts as they deal with dementia everyday.