Less socially acceptable feelings following loss

[Lisa74]

My Gran passed away recently. She lived with my family for 10 years. I loved her and my Gran loved me. However I'm also feeling a lot of resentment.

She took sooooooooooooooo much (time, sleep, energy (and health reserves) from my family and caring for her took a large chunk of my youth and left me in an awful state, which other people now judge me for (anxiety problems etc.).

Most of the time life was truly hellish (for example clearing up poo from all over the house and cleaning her (whilst instructing her not to smear poo in my hair); waking up at night multiple times (my parents were once up 16 times in one night); being sworn at, kicked, hit; at one point (for about 2 years) we spent every evening trying to calm her down from psychotic states. More recently she had less severe mental symptoms but was very ill physically. My family could not leave her for more than 5 minutes. I lost most of my twenties to all this- while friends were developing their careers, marrying, having kids. I feel gutted about that and sad about that, as well as sad about losing her.

 

[Kevinl]

Nothing I can say Lisa, you're just another victim of this terrible disease, but there is life after it, somehow although it may not seem that way right now.
You've been through a lot more than anyone should have to at your age but it sounds like you're coming to realise it is the past and it's time to put it all behind you, never forget, but move on.
I'm probably the worse person in the world to tell people to "move on" but you still have your whole life ahead of you, albeit a bit of a late start due to the AZ.
Time to think about yourself now you deserve it
K

 

[marionq]

This post Lisa could do with being merged with Putting yourself first post on the other thread. You've had the toughest of times. Start getting it right for yourself now.

Very good wishes.

 

[missmole]

I think it is very brave of you to be honest and recognise what you have been through and the resentment it can bring (my mother has dementia and I feel extremely resentful a lot of the time but we often feel guilty saying these things!). It obviously isn't how you would have chosen to spend the last ten years(!) but you will have grown and learnt so much in that time. Now you must put yourself first 100%. Get all the help you can from your GP/medical professionals in terms of counselling etc. What you and your family have done is incredible. I doubt you will have to face anything so relentlessly challenging (without the rewards that you get from a baby for example) ever again. You got through this, you can do anything now but make sure you get help wherever you can. It's time for YOU. Btw, if you think other people are judging you, they know nothing! You are the better, stronger person. Hold your head up high!
Very best wishes to you.

 

[oilovlam]

Sorry to hear that you have been suffering so. I've had some of your experiences but know I have more to come.

I sometimes wonder what I will do when this 'journey' is over. I will have to find a way to build a life. I'm older (50+) but it can be daunting at any age to have to effectively start from scratch.

I guess I will try to draw up some sort of a plan. Think about what I want the rest of my life to be, think about what I have that will help me achieve my aims, think about my skills (I have learned a lot during my caring role, hopefully some will help me 'afterwards'). I expect I will need help....I know I will need help....perhaps some sort of counselling (if any is available....it's knowing where to find help....this forum should have suggestions). Perhaps some form of training (re-training in my case).

You also have a mixture of emotions to deal with. Relief and sadness, a strange combination but in your case perfectly understandable. You may need advice on how to deal with that so that you can move on.

All the best.

 

[HillyBilly]

Lisa, what a very heartfelt and honest post. Your feelings are totally understandable. I do hope that you are able to "move on" and "recover" somewhat. You are still young. Get out there and have some fun x

 

[irismary]

I too wonder about the "after" and how I may feel so I admire your honesty and it's good that you can safely express your honest thoughts and feelings here. I once told a couple of lovely friends that I found caring boring and they were quite shocked so goodness only knows what they would think if i expressed some of my deeper feelings. You have done more than most now take time for you, you are young and so take a deep breath and live your life now. My very best wishes to you.

 

[Samantha1977]

I understand it's been hard. And it probably doesn't mean anything to you but...YOU'RE AMAZING! I understand everything you have said. I understand even what you have not said.
Take the time to heal and to move forward and find yourself. Hugs xx

Sent from my SM-G925F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Babymare01]

Another saying what a honest and heartfelt post. You have seen and been through so much now is the time to breath and take some time for you. To move on will take time. Think of what you want to do and break it down in to tiny steps on how to achieve that. for example If you want to travel the world make your first step a small trip somewhere - if that makes sense?
Please be kind to yourself. What you have experienced will have given you inner strengths that will make you a better person. I don't mean in the sense of a caring profession but a compassion and kindness inside you that many your age may not have. Be proud of YOU. Be proud of the person you are.

Just hugs and I wish you well in that you achieve all you want regardless of what it is xxx