leaving their home

[Lorrie]

My father has moderate alzheimers and my mother is the caregiver.
They are planning to leave their home to move closer to my sister in Manchester.
However, my father is aggressive, and does not want to give up his home.
Mum has a legal right to sell the house but she is frightened about the transition.
Any suggestions of who could help her move. I am living in the U.S. and cannot come ove until mid June. They are both in their mid 80's.
The flat they are looking to buy in Manchester isn't ideal because because it is not assisted living. There are no available places open right now for them.

 

[jenniferpa]

Dear Lorrie, welcome to TP.

I know how worrying and difficult it can be to halp aged parents when you are far away (my mother is in the UK, I'm in Pennsylvania).

I'm not certain: are you asking about the logistics of the move, the advisability of the move or how to get your father to accept it? We can discuss the first two until the cows come home, but the last... Persuading someone to do something they don't want to do is hard enough when you can use logic, but in this situation you probably don't even have that luxury. It is quite likely that your father will never accept it. It's quite likely, in fact, that your father will cease to recognise his current home as his home in any case. I suppose what I'm saying is that you have to encourage your mother to make the decisions she needs to make for her benefit. I assume that the move closer to your sister is to enable her to help out more, and keep your father at home as long as possible. Without help (whether family or from outside) it will be very difficult for your mother to continue caring for your father, and that's what you all need to focus on.

Love

Jennifer

 

[Kayla]

Dear Lorrie,
Would it be possible for them to rent a flat for a while, until an assisted living place becomes available? Then it would not seem such an irreversible decision and you could also help them look for somewhere, when you can come over.
I think a well known and reliable removal company would do all the packing for them at a price, but I don't know who could help them with the legal and practical aspects of moving. It will be quite a worry for them. Maybe Age Concern could recommend some companies who could help.
Good luck!
Kayla

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Lorrie,
We moved from Manchester to live nearer our son, in 2002, before we realized my husband had Alzheimers. He is 74.
He has never accepted this as his home, hates it here and is unable to familiarize himself with the area.
He is now confused about this new home, our old home in Manchester and the home of his birth in India.

Because he was so unhappy, I gave in and we put the house on the market, to return to Manchester. We sold the house twice, and each time, my husband got cold feet and decided he wanted to stay here.
We upset so many people by letting them down, I realized he was unable to stick to any decision he was likely to make and I decided we stay put.

He is still unhappy, but he has Alzheimers, not a condition conducive to happiness. Some days he says he`s glad we`re here because our son and grandchildren are here, other days he blames them for his being here.

What I`m trying to say, is your mother is the main carer, so she should decide what`s best for both of them, but particularly herself. Wherever they live, your father will have problems in the future, so they should be where they can get the best support.

I hope I`ve been of some help.

 

[Natashalou]

hi

I am not sure if this helps but this site has lists of retirement /assisted homes for sale. some local authorities may also accept owner occupiers on the housing register to rent social housing.

http://www.retirementhomesearch.co.uk/about.asp

 

[blue sea]

Hi Lorrie
What a difficult situation for you all. One positive is that your mother has got the legal right to go ahead if she feels it is in their best interests. She may need help to make that decision, though. Sadly your father is unlikely to accept any move easliy as people with Alzheimer's are usually very frightened of any change, and moving home to another area is a very big one. Has your mother made any contact with social services yet? Perhaps they or Age Concern, or the local Alzheimer's society could put her in touch with sources of advice for housing with more support. Sadly, your dad's condition will deteriorate, slowly I hope, but it would be helpful for their move to be one where they can both receive some support if necessary, so that your sister and you have a bit less to worry about. There are many private sheltered housing and warden assisted schemes in an area like Manchester so perhaps it is worth a bit more research before a final decision is taken. Your mother, if she hasn't already done so, can insist on a social services assessment of your father's needs, and her own as a carer. That can sometimes be helpful as a way into the system. Her GP could give advice on how to do this.
Blue sea

 

[Lorrie]

Thanks so much for your kind comments re: my parents transition to move nearer to my sister in Manchester.
I called a rep. from the Alz. Assoc. and asked if they could find some support for my mum during the next few months. I can come in mid June but there is a lot to do in the mean time.
No assisted living is yet available so they will most probably live in a flat until a vacancy occurs.
Is my dad entitled to respite care during the time preceding the move and for the first few weeks of the move.
Does my mum have to contact the local GP to arrange this respite care? There is no way that she will cope with him around the house. He will be too upset and could harrass the movers.
Let me know whether age concern is a good resource or someone from the Alz
assoc.

 

[Margarita]

When my mother was pre AZ , she moves to Gibraltar.

She did not want to come back to UK she could not see the logic in it.

They do say that every person with dementia is different.

So I did move her back with me took a long while for her to settle , your mother going to need a lot of support from your sister maybe staying at they home for a few weeks , as I could not of done the move without the support of my teenagers now 2 years on we move again, and amazingly my mother has settle fine in out new home .

Yes find out where your local AZ daycentre is ,

usually the referral is done by your local social worker for Respite and home help , All depends if your self funded, they still help if your self funded I think ? but if be a good idea to ring them, as doctor do not organise that. your sister should know the number of her local SW in her area .

register them with your sister doctor as they be living near her .

The way I cope was thinking of the worse and hoping for the best and lucky for me the best did happen with all the moves

However, my father is aggressive, and does not want to give up his home.

Is your father on any medication for that or medication for AZ?