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Leaving Home to look after mum with dementia

patienceandhope

New member
Nov 18, 2020
4
Hi everyone I am new to this forum. My mum has had memoriey loss and confusion for the last few years and unfortunately it is getting worse she lives with my Dad who is elderly and has some physical health issues himself Dad finds it difficult to cope with mum at times he becomes angry and frustrated with her and has said he does find it difficult to cope. I have put in place social services carers nurses but even with this support dad is saying he still cant cope. Recently I had mum for two weeks respite which Dad really found helpful however since being back home my Dad is complaining he still cannot cope. I have now taking the decision to leave my husband and help look after mum with Dad I had done this previously and it had worked out. I shall be using this forum has a support network and look forward to reading about tips and help looking after mum
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,442
Yorkshire
hello @patienceandhope
a warm welcome to DTP
glad you've joined us as there's lots of support and helpful suggestions readily on offer from members

my you have taken on quite a task .... your parents are fortunate to have you looking out for them
please keep on the home care visits, you will need as much support as you can get

might I also quietly suggest that you monitor how this move goes and be aware of how much you are doing ... I appreciate that you and your dad may wish to have your mum at home for as long as possible, just remember that you have a right to your own life and if your dad is finding things tough, you may well find the same ... a move for your mum into residential care is not a failure of your caring for her and sometimes is the 'best' option for all concerned
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,010
High Peak
Wow that's a big decision!

Are you sure your mum wouldn't be better in a care home where she would have a team of people around her 24/7? Not to put too fine a point on it, your poor mum will become much worse than she is now...
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,400
Big decision......but what about your life? And your husband's? Personally I think your mum needs 24/7 supervision in a care home setting. Things will only get worse. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear.
 

patienceandhope

New member
Nov 18, 2020
4
Hi everyone thanks for getting back to me so quickly!! Right now mum is not too bad for residential care I realise that this is an option we may have to consider for the future has she will not get better but to date she has not reached that stage she can still maintain a conversation is able to go to the toilet on her own she can become argumentative and can dress herself with supervision she can become confused and has lost her short term memory but I can manage to date with mum at home with social services support. I guess I am putting off the day when she has to go into care but I am also an realist and know when that time comes I will have to do what's best for mum.
My Husband understands how I feel and is willing to support me I will be still seeing him on occassion we live outer London mum and dad live in London my husband knows how I feel because unfortunately his mum had dementia and ended up in a care home I guess I just want to give this a go because I want to do my best for my mum but has stated before I am also realistic.
Thanks for replying back to me
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
881
Hello @patienceandhope . That's a big sacrifice you are making but I'm glad to hear that your husband is supporting you. Please keep us posted on how things are going so that the forum can support you too! You mention that you have done this before. Was that while you were sorting out a care package? I am wondering how long you think this stay will need to be and what will have to happen to enable you to go back home again.
 
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Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,035
hi @patienceandhope, I think moving to a care home while you can do things for yourself, hold a conversation etc is actually a good thing as it enables the person with dementia to get to know the other residents and staff and enjoy whatever activities are on offer.
My mother lived on her own and has vascular dementia. She could sort of look after herself and her memory though rapidly declining wasn't too bad. I moved her into care because she'd lost all sense of keeping herself safe and was going down the pub drinking with random men. Moving in with her would have been a disaster as she would have resented any attempts to help her. I moved her to a care home near me, and though she found it hard to settle, she has had the opportunity to do things she wouldn't have been able to do for herself any more and I know she is safe and looked after.
I'd set yourself a review date and try not to be sucked into to doing this long term.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,400
I think you need to be very clear as to what your lines in the sand are and what you are not prepared to deal with. As others have said, it's easy to just drift into the caring role and find it takes over everything
 

patienceandhope

New member
Nov 18, 2020
4
Hi Everyone
Things are still in the air with regards to residential care there are a lot of issues for the family to consider chiefly how we will pay for her care. I do not see me looking after mum has a long term solution has I realise I also have my life to get on with thanks for all of the advice!!!
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,601
Things are still in the air with regards to residential care there are a lot of issues for the family to consider chiefly how we will pay for her care.
The family won't have to pay for a residential home. Assuming that you are in England , if your mum has less than £24,500 of savings (her own money, not your dad's) then she will be eligible for help from the local authority. If your mum & dad own their own home then as long as he stays living there it will be disregarded as an asset so will not have to be sold to pay for your mum's care fees, and would also not have to be sold if she passed away whilst in care either, as the fees are not 'claimed back'. This factsheet explains the process with regards to paying for care in England (the process is different in other parts of the country) but ask away if you have any other questions about funding: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care