1. Buddha

    Buddha Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    18
    Wales

    Hi all

    First time to post something up here.

    Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts about this: My Mum is in hospital (she has Alzheimer;s) and when I visit, all is ok until I leave. She gets very distressed and thinks she is at home and can't understand why she can't 'see me to the door'. It all gets so upsetting. Any tips? Very hard to sneak off!

    Thanks
     
  2. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    178
    Would a white lie help?

    This type of thing is so difficult for the family and I am not sure that what I have to say will help, but I will have a go anyway.

    If you told her it is not worth seeing you to the door because you are just nipping out for a short time and will be back later, would that help or would she agonise because you don't return?

    At times my mum asks to be taken home when she is at home. We always say that we will take her home later when the car arrives, when we've had our meal, etc, etc. Seems to work most of the time. It is quite upsetting, though, when I phone and she asks me to come and collect her and take her home - I live 160 miles away!

    Good luck.

    EM
     
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    If her short term memory is already very bad, i.e. she will forget within a minute or two that you were there at all, could you say e.g. that you are just popping to the loo, or to get something you left in the car?
     
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    It's difficult

    My mother was in the hospital recently and I also had difficulty making an exit; she often was confused about where she was and where I was going and would get upset about not coming with me, or her thinking she needed to go somewhere, etc. She did also have confusion about not being able to walk me out, like your mum, Buddha. (My mother was on a locked ward.)

    The two things that worked best for me (and they may or may not for you, you have to do what works for you!) were:

    1) sometimes she would say something like, well, it's time for you to get going. Even if I wasn't finished with the visit, it was better if I left when she said that. (Obviously this wasn't an option if I was waiting to see the doctor or similar, in which case I'd distract her with "oh, I want to wait until traffic is better" or something like that.)

    2) although it was very hard for me to leave without saying goodbye, it was often better for her. I would just say I was going to the bathroom, the staff would distract her, and I would make a discreet exit. I had to come to grips with the fact that she would quickly forget I had been there and the leave-taking was much worse for her if she knew I was going.

    So I am advocating the little white lie or the "love lie." It's hard to do, especially at first. However, my goal is to spare my mother as much upset as possible, and so sometimes convenience and calm trumps the truth. If you do decide to try this, what works best with my mother is to keep it short, keep it simple, and whatever phrasing I use, repeat it verbatim.

    I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you. It's really, really hard and it's really, really awful and I'm sorry.
     
  5. Buddha

    Buddha Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    18
    Wales
    Thank you

    Hello

    Thank you so much for such helpful tips-will indeed try these. Hope you're all able to see this-not sure how it works. Anyway, my heartfelt thanks for your kindness and insights.

    will let you know how it goes..

    B
     
  6. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    178
    Buddha

    I go into the site and check my posts, so I can see your reply. I don't know if everyone does this. You can elect to be notified in e-mails about any replies on a post.

    Hope the ideas work for you.

    EM
     

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