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Last weekend at home

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
629
0
I know what you mean by shock. I’m constantly taking pictures of my wife in the home and I’m often shocked by what she looks like now compared to a year ago.

Perhaps it does me no favours looking at photos as it always upsets me but it’s like a drug and I can’t stop. My poor wife brought down by dementia. It’s not fair and it shouldn’t have happened but it did and we’re are always going to be crying for what we’re losing and lost. I sometimes feel it’s happening to someone else, that she’ll walk up the path one day and we’ll carry on with our lives. God I miss her so much and feel so sad for her.
Sadness seems to have replaced the anger and frustration of coping at home. Sadness for us and them. While he remembers me and can see me, Im holding on to that for dear life. But it’s only half of one isn’t it?
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,757
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Sadness seems to have replaced the anger and frustration of coping at home. Sadness for us and them. While he remembers me and can see me, Im holding on to that for dear life. But it’s only half of one isn’t it?
I was in shock suddenly the moment she left here on a Friday afternoon. Gone was the frustration and anxiety to be replaced by intense sadness and loss. I was now on my own and I knew it would be permanent.

It’s strange that I wanted the bizarre dementia behaviour to stop but the moment she left she took my life and my love with her. I suppose I wanted her more than anything but I couldn’t cope and gave in
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,201
0
South coast
Goodluck today @Bettysue
I hope the move goes smoothly
Organise something nice for yourself afterwards - lunch at a cafe, a nice walk, coffee with a friend........
xx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,757
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Hello @Bettysue. Do not be bullied by care home staff. Read the NHS guidelines on visiting and question within reason why the home do what they do. Make sure you are the designated main key visitor and insist on your right to visit whilst keeping within guidelines.

My wife’s home are happy for me to visit as I’m her only main visitor and I’ll do all the necessary PPE and testing before going and while in the home. If necessary speak to the manager. Sometimes staff are as confused by the rules and then blanket refuse where not really necessary. You need to stick up for your rights.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
132
0
I spoke to the manager this morning and she said the lady I saw yesterday had been ‘over zealous’! She is much more sensible and explained they are closed until the 26th. There is no Covid in the home but staff are isolating or affected. She said that I could make a case for visiting before then if necessary. I’ve decided not to go for a few days anyway so I’ll maybe be allowed in at the weekend.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,757
0
74
Devon, Totnes
I spoke to the manager this morning and she said the lady I saw yesterday had been ‘over zealous’! She is much more sensible and explained they are closed until the 26th. There is no Covid in the home but staff are isolating or affected. She said that I could make a case for visiting before then if necessary. I’ve decided not to go for a few days anyway so I’ll maybe be allowed in at the weekend.
Good for you👍
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,745
0
Nottinghamshire
That's good to hear @Bettysue, I'm glad you sorted that out with the manager. I think not visiting for a while is a good idea. You can phone to find our how your husband is or maybe send in some treats you know he likes. During the first lockdown when I didn't see mum for nearly six months I sent in personalised postcards. I knew she wouldn't be able to see the pictures clearly, but I knew at least she would know I hadn't forgotten her, and the staff would have things to talk to her about.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
132
0
Well, the deed is done. In some ways it was as good as it could be. He was quiet and calm,not really understanding what was happening. His room is lovely with a beautiful sea view but he took in none of it. He fell asleep as we went over paperwork with the nurse and then we left. I expected to feel relief but I’m just upset he’s gone. The last while has been difficult and I was looking forward to being able to do things I’ve not done for ages but it all feels very hollow right now. Early days,and I don’t usually indulge in self pity but I know I’ll pick myself up, make plans for each day and get on with it. I’m lucky to have caring friends and family and my loving and sweet natured dog. She’ll certainly be getting more walks than I’ve managed recently. And the daylight is increasing and the bulbs are all up. Trying to be positive but not quite managing…….
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
4,006
0
Dorset
It sounds to have gone as well as could be expected.
It will take time for you to come to terms with it all and you will have good days and bad days. A little houndie can make all the difference, you never come home to an empty house.
if necessary cry yourself to sleep tonight, with both sadness and relief. You might well do that for several nights but they will become rarer as you settle into your new life.
Best wishes,
Carol..
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,201
0
South coast
It will take time for you both to adjust.
Try and book in one or two things to do - book a hair cut, coffee with a friend etc to give some structure to the day as otherwise it will feel empty. I know that whatever you do you will still feel hollow, but try and do some things - even a jig-saw puzzle is good. I dont mean frantically filling every minute, of course - do things gently to allow yourself time to recover.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
797
0
And book those appointments for yourself that you’ve been meaning to book for a while but haven’t got round to eg GP, dentist, optician.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
968
0
Can I suggest that you apply to be the Essential Care Giver, it will allow you to continue visiting even if there is a Covid outbreak in the care home. You will have to follow the same testing regime as the staff, I go to the home once a week for a PCR test as well as have an LFT test before each visit. I am allowed to go any time I want and go in mums room, her other three named visitors see her in a visiting room for just half an hour at a time. In reality, ECGs are treated as if they are staff.

However, should your husband test positive for Covid, you will not be allowed to visit until after a period of isolation, my mum tested positive last week so I’m not visiting at the moment.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
66,408
0
71
Dundee
I’m glad the move went as well as it did @Bettysue. It’s only natural you feel as you do. I’m glad you have caring friends and family to support you through this.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
132
0
I had my first visit with him today. He was very neat and presentable and the carer told me she’d showered him this morning. He was quiet and had a very blank look but he was very happy to see the dog. I’d taken tea and a bun which he really enjoyed. I managed to get a few smiles from him and he fell asleep. I’m the only visitor at the moment because of restrictions so I’ve booked again for Sunday. The manager insists it’s early days and that he will continue to settle. She tried to assure me that I’m much more upset than he is. It’s just so very sad.