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Last weekend at home

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
133
0
My partner will going into full time care on Monday. As much as it can be,it is a planned move to a care home in our town. His family are supportive of the move. I have labelled his clothes,looked out photos for his room, and prepared as well as I can. I had hoped for a calm weekend before the ‘day’ but…
He had his last morning at day care and came home having soiled himself. He then refused to get cleaned up and changed and spent the afternoon asleep. At tea time I attempted to get him to shower and change. It turned into one of the worst altercations I’ve had with him ending up with us both very upset. I feel terrible but it’s episodes like this that have convinced me that the move is the right thing to do. I’m worn out. I hope I can re-establish a better relationship when the stresses of being his carer are removed. Wish me luck!
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
66,645
0
71
Dundee
Oh @Bettysue your post is heartbreaking.

I hope everything goes as well as possible for you both on Monday and that you have as peaceful a weekend as possible. Wishing you strength.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
4,074
0
Dorset
Sad though it is, this confirmation of the reasons your partner is moving to residential care will hopefully help with your emotions on Monday and in the coming weeks.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
2,315
0
Newcastle
I wish you all the best @Bettysue. I have not regretted my wife's move to full time care. We are both less stressed and her needs are properly met. Visiting has been patchy during the pandemic but that only seems to make our time together more precious. It will take some time, but I hope your partner settles and you can once again get pleasure in each other's company.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
654
0
I wish you all the best @Bettysue I can say that it’s different on the other side. From my point it’s a different pain, but I look back at the videos I took of him this year when he was in one of his “moods” and I don’t know how I did it. I certainly don’t have the anger or aggravation that I had. It also took 2 months for the wee smell to leave the bathroom!
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,776
0
74
Devon, Totnes
My partner will going into full time care on Monday. As much as it can be,it is a planned move to a care home in our town. His family are supportive of the move. I have labelled his clothes,looked out photos for his room, and prepared as well as I can. I had hoped for a calm weekend before the ‘day’ but…
He had his last morning at day care and came home having soiled himself. He then refused to get cleaned up and changed and spent the afternoon asleep. At tea time I attempted to get him to shower and change. It turned into one of the worst altercations I’ve had with him ending up with us both very upset. I feel terrible but it’s episodes like this that have convinced me that the move is the right thing to do. I’m worn out. I hope I can re-establish a better relationship when the stresses of being his carer are removed. Wish me luck!
Hello @Bettysue. Where you are now I was nearly 2 1/2 years ago. My poor wife was unable to keep herself clean and would not cooperate when I tried to help. There is a line that once crossed means you cannot look after this person on your own anymore. The first day in her home it took two nurses 2 hours to clean her.
I wish you luck but more than that I wish peace and some sense of relief that professionals are attending to his needs.
Peter
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
133
0
Thank you all for your kind thoughts. At the moment I am in organiser mode getting everything ready for his move. I suspect that there will be a huge emptiness in my life as the caring has been all consuming for over two years. I know it will take time to regain my mojo but I look forward to less stress and a decent sleep. I can only hope that he adapts to the new circumstances and that I can build a calmer relationship with him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,426
0
South coast
Do bear in mind that it will probably take him a few weeks to settle, so dont get unduly upset if there are initial problems - a decent care home aught to be able to deal with it.
My only advice would be not to send a phone with him. It frequently becomes a distraction and prevents them from settling in.

I do hope all goes well on Monday
xx
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
133
0
Thanks for the advice but he is way beyond using a phone. It’s funny to read this as,when I was teaching,and taking children on residential trips we did not allow them to make phone calls-this was pre mobiles-as it really made them home sick. I think I’ll step back for a few days and let others do the visiting on the pretext that I’m away for a few days. His capacity is very limited and my hope is that he’ll slip into the routine and probably be fine. I’m sure PWD who have more understanding of the situation would be more agitated.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,776
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Thank you all for your kind thoughts. At the moment I am in organiser mode getting everything ready for his move. I suspect that there will be a huge emptiness in my life as the caring has been all consuming for over two years. I know it will take time to regain my mojo but I look forward to less stress and a decent sleep. I can only hope that he adapts to the new circumstances and that I can build a calmer relationship with him.
Hello @Bettysue. Please make sure you have someone with you when your love one leaves for the home. It’s best to have company because I had no one and I felt completely abandoned and couldn’t function properly for a long time.
Use all the help out there - Samaritans, Admiral nurses, doctor for medication which could help and this Forum of course. You will have an easier life not having to care 24/7 but I found strangely I missed all that - my loving care for my wife done by others.
Reach out all the time. We are here and we know from experience what these early days can be like
God bless. Peter❤️
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
133
0
I really appreciate your support. His sister is coming with me on Monday. His understanding of things is very limited so there’s no point in trying to explain much. When he was in for respite in October he seemed to accept it and I’d hope this will be the same.
 

Clarinda3

Registered User
Apr 29, 2021
33
0
@Bettysue sending you loving thoughts on this transition. My husband left home a year ago for diagnosis in a mental health facility, was held under the mental health act as he tried to leave, then transferred directly to a nursing home as he had lost capacity. The transition was traumatic for both of us but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Be kind and compassionate to yourself in the weeks and months ahead. You need time to heal. Having your husband nearby in a local nursing home should mean that you will get to spend lots of time together outside of the caring role, once he settles - it did take a long time for both of us to adapt and it was a bumpy journey. I have gradually come to see the nursing home as a safe and caring place for my husband and a necessary part of our lives. We are still a couple and go out for lunch or coffee regularly. Many times over the past year I wanted to drive home with him but have now accepted that he is in the right place. It will take time. Go easy on yourself.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,776
0
74
Devon, Totnes
I believe the need to bring home our loved ones is a basic need and very strong, strong enough to really consider it even though things would deteriorate very quickly. After having a meal out I nearly turned right towards our town instead of left towards the care home, nearly brought her home here to be my wife again. The trauma of that decision still haunts me now. I wanted so much to have her home again even with all the misery of dementia behaviour. I was that desperate, so tempted.

Little by little I got used to it but I’ve had and still have counselling, still feel the need to phone the Samaritans and the admiral nurses. It never goes away.

I think accepting that everything one feels and does is normal and “ why wouldn’t I feel this way” goes a little way to settling the mind.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,042
0
Kent
I hope I can re-establish a better relationship when the stresses of being his carer are removed. Wish me luck!

I`m sure you will if my experience is anything to go by.

I had the best few years with my husband when he was in residential care than I`d had for many years previously.

Once he settled and I admit it did take a while, he was as contented as I`d seen him for a long time and the burden of so many challenges as you are experiencing were over.

I will keep my fingers well and truly crossed for you in the hope you will soon be updating us with really positive posts.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
654
0
I take comfort from these posts because I feel like I have been crying for about 3 months. I sent a picture of my OH to his sons today and they got a bit of a shock since they haven’t seen him for about 3 weeks, and sometimes that’s a big stretch with dementia. I so wish things could have been different as I feel cheated out of my relationship with him.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
133
0
Thanks again for your the good wishes. I was a bit taken aback today when we went along to drop of some of my partner’s clothes etc intending to have his room ready for tomorrow. The door was answered by a rather off-hand carer who told us we couldn’t come in as they were ‘closed’ again. She took the bags and announced they couldn’t be touched for 24 hours. So much for forward planning! I’ll find out more from the manager tomorrow. I’m assuming I’ll be classed as a named visitor and will be able to see him. I don’t intend to visit until next weekend to give him a few days to settle in. I’m going to pass it off as respite and hope that he gradually accepts that he’s there full time. He has little awareness so fingers crossed it will work.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,776
0
74
Devon, Totnes
I take comfort from these posts because I feel like I have been crying for about 3 months. I sent a picture of my OH to his sons today and they got a bit of a shock since they haven’t seen him for about 3 weeks, and sometimes that’s a big stretch with dementia. I so wish things could have been different as I feel cheated out of my relationship with him.
I know what you mean by shock. I’m constantly taking pictures of my wife in the home and I’m often shocked by what she looks like now compared to a year ago.

Perhaps it does me no favours looking at photos as it always upsets me but it’s like a drug and I can’t stop. My poor wife brought down by dementia. It’s not fair and it shouldn’t have happened but it did and we’re are always going to be crying for what we’re losing and lost. I sometimes feel it’s happening to someone else, that she’ll walk up the path one day and we’ll carry on with our lives. God I miss her so much and feel so sad for her.