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Last straw

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
can i say and i read it a lot on here, that just because the SS have to fund a person, it doesnt mean that the home is substandard. it might not have the frills and flounces but that that doesnt mean that the care is below that of the expensive homes., i worked in a home that had local, county and self-funding structure. i wouldnt know who was self-funding or who was being funded, they had absolutely the same care and attention. the same quality of care with very well trained carers who were put on training courses about everything connected to dementia and had to have the mandatory training once a year. so please dont see LA funded care any less than any "posh" care home. some are better than others which includes the grand ones with glossy brochures which is what you are paying for not the care. i hope that has reassured you to think about having respite and having a rest.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
34
0
can i say and i read it a lot on here, that just because the SS have to fund a person, it doesnt mean that the home is substandard. it might not have the frills and flounces but that that doesnt mean that the care is below that of the expensive homes., i worked in a home that had local, county and self-funding structure. i wouldnt know who was self-funding or who was being funded, they had absolutely the same care and attention. the same quality of care with very well trained carers who were put on training courses about everything connected to dementia and had to have the mandatory training once a year. so please dont see LA funded care any less than any "posh" care home. some are better than others which includes the grand ones with glossy brochures which is what you are paying for not the care. i hope that has reassured you to think about having respite and having a rest.
Thanks. I think what upset me yesterday was the fact that I started to phone a few care homes. I was shocked to hear that some don’t take any LA funded clients and expect to have proof of several years funding up front. At £1300 a week that is a lot of money!!! Also my partner is only 72 and physically quite well overall so could be looking at many years of care. Because I obviously share the house it cannot be taken into account in calculating care costs and what savings he has will be eaten up very quickly. I feel we’re quite comfortably off but as far as care is concerned it’s a different story. When it comes down to it I think I’ll have to change my thought processes.....’accept the things you cannot change,change the things you can and learn to know the difference’. Probably a good motto for many in this situation.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,178
0
South coast
He would have to be funded and might end up in a care home which would not be of the calibre I’d like.
A more expensive care home does not necessarily mean better care. Quite often the homes at the higher end of the market spend their budget on things like spas, a bar, a cinema, fancy decor (one home I looked at had large pot plants on the floor, just asking to be wee-ed into! ) and other things designed to look good in the brochure and for the "discerning relative", but the care may not be good at all. And does the person with dementia really want all these fancy things? My mum wanted a home, not a hotel. The place she moved to was definitely at the lower end on the market, the decor was a bit shabby and old-fashioned, but it was clean, had a homely atmosphere and the care was outstanding. Mum lived there for just shy of three years and was happy there.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,021
0
Hi @Bettysue, I think the time has come to start the process to find a care home for your husband. The process could take sometime, so it seems a good idea to start when there isn't an emergency and you can, hopefully, work with social services on finding the place that best meets his needs. If you wait for an emergency there is likely to be much less choice over what happens.
It sounds like he now needs a team to take care of him, not just one person. You'll be able to be his wife again, and with covid restrictions now easing off should mean you can still look after him, but just somewhere where there are others to help you.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
Thanks. I think what upset me yesterday was the fact that I started to phone a few care homes. I was shocked to hear that some don’t take any LA funded clients and expect to have proof of several years funding up front. At £1300 a week that is a lot of money!!! Also my partner is only 72 and physically quite well overall so could be looking at many years of care. Because I obviously share the house it cannot be taken into account in calculating care costs and what savings he has will be eaten up very quickly. I feel we’re quite comfortably off but as far as care is concerned it’s a different story. When it comes down to it I think I’ll have to change my thought processes.....’accept the things you cannot change,change the things you can and learn to know the difference’. Probably a good motto for many in this situation.
the prayer of serenity
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
620
0
A more expensive care home does not necessarily mean better care. Quite often the homes at the higher end of the market spend their budget on things like spas, a bar, a cinema, fancy decor (one home I looked at had large pot plants on the floor, just asking to be wee-ed into! ) and other things designed to look good in the brochure and for the "discerning relative", but the care may not be good at all. And does the person with dementia really want all these fancy things? My mum wanted a home, not a hotel. The place she moved to was definitely at the lower end on the market, the decor was a bit shabby and old-fashioned, but it was clean, had a homely atmosphere and the care was outstanding. Mum lived there for just shy of three years and was happy there.
I share these wise words. The Home in which my mother lived with dementia, was small and modestly equipped ( l used to provide various things) but was " homely " and focussed on the things that truly mattered rather than peripheral attributes, much of which bears little relation to the dementia mind in fact. That Home has since closed and residents transferred to a larger facility. A great pity.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
34
0
Thanks for your reassurance. Since I wrote the post I have reflected on the care home situation and spoken to several people. I realise that I can only do what finances allow and,as you have pointed out, the important factor is the level of care. My partner will not be aware of all the fancy extras.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
34
0
I have just had another bedtime poo episode. He was ready for bed,decided he needed to go and ended up covered in it. He refused to go in the shower which was the only way I could get him cleaned up. We had a complete stand off for 10 minutes as he wanted to go to bed the way he was. I feel as if I have reach the lowest point on this journey. I hate to admit I was shouting and almost in a state of hysteria. Eventually he allowed me to clean him up a bit and he got to bed bewildered and wondering who this screaming banshee is. I had resolved to pick my battles but this situation could not have been ignored. We are going away with his sisters and daughter for a few days in a couple of weeks. I think some frank discussions will have to take place. I don’t want to give in but I’m not sure I can continue like this. It shows me how close to the edge I am.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
I have just had another bedtime poo episode. He was ready for bed,decided he needed to go and ended up covered in it. He refused to go in the shower which was the only way I could get him cleaned up. We had a complete stand off for 10 minutes as he wanted to go to bed the way he was. I feel as if I have reach the lowest point on this journey. I hate to admit I was shouting and almost in a state of hysteria. Eventually he allowed me to clean him up a bit and he got to bed bewildered and wondering who this screaming banshee is. I had resolved to pick my battles but this situation could not have been ignored. We are going away with his sisters and daughter for a few days in a couple of weeks. I think some frank discussions will have to take place. I don’t want to give in but I’m not sure I can continue like this. It shows me how close to the edge I am.
dont feel bad, i would be the same. its not nice and he would have just spread it everywhere else.
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
967
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Hey BettySue,
Similar experiences brought most of us to the end of caring for our beloveds at home. The loss of bowel control was the end of the line. And I did not tolerate it for long, he only had three accidents and I was done. Changing sheets and showering in the middle of the night was just too much for me.
It is what it is, I was not a nurse or a professional carer. I did my best, but it is a really hard road to sustain long term care. It doesn't help that our loved ones have no cognitive understanding or in my case, Nicky could not longer express himself verbally.
I am not that happy about seeing Nick in a home, but I go most days and feed him one of his meals, breakfast, lunch or dinner and stay a few hours. I confess I rarely go for sundowning time 4pm onwards. It is so difficult to see him so agitated and unsettled. But it was the same way when we were at home together. At least now he is eating and starting to gain back a little weight.
Hard as it is, I am grateful he is close by and I have been able to visit daily since he entered in Sept 2020. I know that would not be the case in other countries. The carehome has had not one case of COVID, so we are blessed with that at least.
I sleep all night long and the nursing staff is responsible for his care, so I can come and go as I please. My life is very quiet as I never lived alone before, but the decision to place him in care is also a decision to take care of myself.
Good luck, BettySue.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
34
0
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. After a restless night I now feel ashamed and upset about how I dealt with the situation last night. It was as if it tipped me over the edge and I became someone I don’t recognise. I can’t handle the fact that I can’t reason with him or make him understand me. It all feels so desolate. I had hoped for my partner to be at home for another few months until the Covid situation has improved. I wanted him to go for respite and then make a planned move into care. It’s not all bad. I have a decent amount of support from day care and personal care for showering but the day to day loneliness and drudgery is building up.
 

Snuffette

Registered User
Jan 11, 2021
44
0
A more expensive care home does not necessarily mean better care. Quite often the homes at the higher end of the market spend their budget on things like spas, a bar, a cinema, fancy decor (one home I looked at had large pot plants on the floor, just asking to be wee-ed into! ) and other things designed to look good in the brochure and for the "discerning relative", but the care may not be good at all. And does the person with dementia really want all these fancy things? My mum wanted a home, not a hotel. The place she moved to was definitely at the lower end on the market, the decor was a bit shabby and old-fashioned, but it was clean, had a homely atmosphere and the care was outstanding. Mum lived there for just shy of three years and was happy there.
Hi Canary - I am with you on this one! When mum went into respite initially Dec 2019 I looked around at others near me - I thought they were fab until my husband said "they are selling to the relatives, not the resident". Unfortunately, mum has remained in the same CH and it is a fortune at £1650 pw. She is now too vulnerable to move.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
647
0
South east
@Bettysue I don’t think many of us could stay calm in that situation. Cleaning up an adult who can’t understand or follow an instruction will be exceptionally difficult. I can’t imagine myself not getting frustrated and very upset
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,485
0
High Peak
I think sometimes what tips you over the edge is not so much what is happening in the moment, but the realisation that this is how it's going to be every day, if not worse.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,330
0
Yorkshire
hi @Bettysue
you write:
After a restless night I now feel ashamed and upset about how I dealt with the situation last night. It was as if it tipped me over the edge and I became someone I don’t recognise.

your feelings are wholly understandable ... we've all, no doubt, had times when we might have done things differently, though hindsight is a terrible taskmaster, and we did what we could at the time ... we pick ourselves up and take the next day as it comes

do though, please, listen to yourself as you are telling us and yourself that you are close to collapse and you need support

I appreciate that someone may not be able to be with you at exactly such a moment ... however, some home care visits (and maybe a cleaner), day care, respite etc may well help to take some of the strain off your shoulders if you are not yet ready for residential care ... if you haven't already, maybe contact your Local Authority Adult Services for an assessment/re-assessment of care needs and do not hold back when describing how things are for you, they need yo know that you are close to carer breakdown
 

john1939

Registered User
Sep 21, 2017
154
0
Newtownabbey
Hello. I completely relate to your feelings and response. I too felt exactly the same from time to time. I didn’t mean to be exasperated and ‘unkind’ but I was. I realised in the end that that looking after my husband was more than a one person job. It took me a long time to get there, but sadly he’s now in a care home with one to one care 24/7. He’s well looked after as it’s so much easier with a team of people. There are all sorts of issues about being in care at the moment with restricted visiting etc., and it’s not ideal, but I had managed for as long as I could. You’re right you pick yourself up and get in with it day after day. The emotional, physical and mental cost is great. Take care of yourself. I‘m in a rush so hope this makes sense.
Hello, My wife has had Alzhimers for about 6 years now. When she was first diagnosed I
 

pippylongstocking

New member
Apr 1, 2020
9
0
I can cope with nearly everything, but not the POO!!! In fact, most of the time, I can even cope with that, but sometimes it does just send me over the edge!! MH has been doubly incontinent for about 18 months now. I wouldn't mind if the Poo was a once a day thing, but he goes 2 or 3 times a day!!! Moves all around the bathroom, as I'm trying to get him clean!! I wake up in the morning, open my eyes and just dread the whole start of the day scenario. Have just asked for funding for a carer to come in twice a week in the mornig to sort him out, so I at least get a bit of a break from it.I bet he saves it up for me to do!!!!
 

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