Last resort


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
Louise, this sounds great! I'm so glad you found an agency that could offer genuine help - sounds like you've been pretty lucky in getting such a good Carer! I'm sending you every best wish for a good outcome and I congratulate you on being such a loving and caring daughter. Your mother is a lucky woman!


Registered User
Apr 13, 2007
Thanks again everyone, I had a bad day yesterday as I could not stop crying at the thought of mum going into a home. But after talking to two very good friends. One who lost her mum through AD 3 years ago and another who is a CPN I understand that this is the best thing to do. She has started showing signs of a water infection and is very, very pale.

I'm going to try to find a NH near so I can visit everyday and take her out a couple of times a week. She can come to me over Christmas. In future the time I can spend with her will be quality time and not clearing up her mess time.

I have asked my brother to come over this evening (he lives 30 miles away) so he can appreciate how bad the dementia is. I know he will be upset but he has to face reality as soon. I know it's fathers day and he's missing out on time with his kids but I've been so busy I forgot all about fathers day.

I have another HUGE problem to overcome. How do I tell her? Should it be just me or myself and my brother?


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Louise.D said:
I have another HUGE problem to overcome. How do I tell her? Should it be just me or myself and my brother?

Hi Louise

I think you're making the right decision. Your mum's safety is the prime concern, and it sounds as if she needs 24/7 care, which you could not possibly give her.

I don't know the answer to your question, you know your mum and how she is likely to react.

But my instinct would be for you to tell her yourself. You are obviously the one she relies on, and she may accept it from you. If you and your brother are there, she might think you are ganging up on her, and dig her heels in.

Just my opinion, I'm sure others will disagree. Just do what you did so well before; weigh up the replies you get, and decide for yourself.

You're handling this so well, even though it's so upsetting for you.



Registered User
Apr 13, 2007
Just thought I'd give you an update as everyone has been so kind.

Mum went in last Friday, I did cry and so did she. I explained that I was unable to look after her in my home and it was not safe. She understood and thanked me for everything that I have done for her.

Went to visit her later in the day and she was cross as I had left her there. Wanted to know when we were leaving. I explained and she was okay but very annoyed.

Visited twice on Saturday and she seemed okay, I think she thought she'd been there for a long time. The staff were nice. She thinks my kids are me and my brother and my husband is hers. I am her sister Margaret. Never mind.

Visited Monday and Tuesday, had to break up fight between two ladies on Monday and they were getting physical and my mum was in danger of beeing knocked over. Tuesday I 'caught' a lady who had stood up trying to get to the toilet. Both days no staff around in the lounge. I've addressed this with them and they say that they are fully staffed. I also had to show another lady where the toilet was and alert staff that someone who stuck in the other toilet. It's not just me all the other residents families have the same opinion.

AGGHHH I thought that this would take alot of the stress away from me. I think that she's okay there at the moment as she's not that mentally disabled compared to everyone else but is more physically disabled. I also keep mentioning to staff that she cannot drink from their teacups as she cannot hold them, they don't seem to remember to give her a cup that she can drink from. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Will have words today with the care team manager.

Thanks everyone for you support.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Oh Dear Louise, this is not what you were led to expect.

Could you buy your mum a cup she can use, with her name on? I don`t know if that`s possible, just a thought.

The Home may be fully staffed, but have you asked if any staff are on sick leave, and do they get agency staff in to make up the numbers, for those who are absent.

I would expect all areas to be supervised at all times, but this is just my opinion, and I may be wrong.

Remain observant, and don`t be afraid to speak up, if you have any concerns. It`s early days yet, and you can`t really make an informed judgement in such a short time. If you feel your mum is OK for the moment, it might turn out better.

Take care

Love xx


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
I've two small children, depression and a bad back.

Hi Louise,sorry no advise, but I'm sure you'll make the right decision one way or the other. I think that you have done remarkably well, looking after a dementia sufferer is hard enough, let alone two children plus not be well yourself. You have done a great job.I hope that everything turns out well for you. Take Care. Taffy.

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