1. Louise.D

    Louise.D Registered User

    Apr 13, 2007
    68
    Essex
    Any ideas?

    Cannot cope anymore should I:-

    1 Put mum into a residential home
    2 Get a live in carer

    I've two small children, depression and a bad back.

    Any advice?
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,659
    Kent
    Dear Louise,

    No-one can answer your question for you, you can only weigh up the pros and cons and decide what is best for you and your family.

    No decision will be ideal, but a compromise is acceptable.

    Sorry I can`t be more helpful, it`s such a painful time for you, as it is for everyone who reaches the time when they are unable to cope.

    Please let us know what you decide.

    Take care
    Love xx
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Louise

    I have so much sympathy for you. I know how much you have agonised before coming to this decision. But there is only so much you can do, and when you have reached that limit you have to find an alternative solution.

    I can't tell you what to do, only you know which option would be better for your mum. If I had to choose, I would go hor the care home option, simply based on the fact that you have a bad back and two small children.

    If you went for the carer, you would still have the responsibility of keeping a check on things, making sure your mum was safe and well. I know you would still feel responsible if she was in a NH, but if you were unable to visit for a few days you would know she was being looked after.

    Just my opinion. You know your circumstances and your and your mum's feelings.

    Let us know what you decide, and try not to feel guilty. You have done as much as is humanly possible for you.

    Love,
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Louise, no answers for you, I'm sorry.

    You have been very brave in voicing just how you feel. I do sincerly hope you get the help you obviously need.

    Thinking of you,
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Louise

    In your situation, I'd be agreeing with Hazel.
     
  7. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Louise

    You can only do your best up to a point, seems you have reached that, and what a brave lady you are to be looking at alternatives.

    Given your circumstances, I would opt for the residential home, you can then start to enjoy your visits with mum without the day to day worry, heartache and responsibility of just making sure she is safe.

    Keep strong, and keep posting.

    Love
    Cate
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia


    Yes Louise, I agree with Hazel. I know I'm being negative, but there is always a chance that something ELSE will crop up to make it even harder for you to supervise your Mother's care - perhaps if you need to go to hospital, or one of the children is ill . . . ? (I hope I'm not jinxing you!!:eek: )

    Eventually a Carer will probably not be enough and you would need to move your Mum to a home. It might be a better option to do it now, rather than having to face it later.

    As others have said, only you can know what is best for your Mum and for you and your family. Remember that we on TP will support whatever decision you make. Thinking of you and sending you caring wishes.
     
  9. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Advice from me?

    Well, I'm a novice at all this and at the moment I am hoping to keep my mum at home as long as possible. We haven't even had a diagnosis yet, so I have absolutely no right, no experience, no evidence to even suggest a solution for you. Except that my aunt had AD for 12 years, it developed very rapidly, my cousin never married and lived at home. His own life was taken over by his mum's condition. He didn't even try a couple of weeks respite care to give himself a break.

    Have you thought of that? You might just need a break to recharge your own batteries, go out for the day with your children, have a long soak in the bath? A meal out with your husband/partner without worrying about mum. You might then feel you can cope for a while longer.

    I would say, but do accept I have no right to say anything, that if someone reaches the stage of saying they can't cope, and is considering the care home option, then it is time to seriously consider it. Put the wheels in motion at least. It could take ages to find one you like, or even to find one at all - in my area there IS only one and the waiting list is tremendous - and even longer to arrange it all.

    A live-in carer SOUNDS a good idea - but is it really? My mother in law was physically disabled for many years, and it was something we considered. She had a big enough house to convert the top floor into a self-contained (small) suite for such a person. But we decided that choosing the right person would have been beyond us, and would have created more stress than looking after her ourselves. Plus, a live-in carer needs to sleep and have time off. She wouldn't be working 24 hours a day. As it happened, she had a severe stroke before we needed to make that decision, and died about 2 months later still in hospital. No, you would be constantly checking up that the carer was doing the job, that your mum was happy with her being there, and you'd still have 2/3 of the day not covered.

    If it is genuinely getting beyond you, accept that you have done your best. You cannot do any more. It's about compromise. Your children have a right to your time as well as your mum. Make sure she is safe and happy, and make the decision with the best knowledge that you have.

    What a painful time it must be for you. Do let us know what you decide, cos one day we will all be at that stage, and when you are on your own it does help to have other people's experiences and feelings to draw on.

    I wish you well in making your decision. Much love.

    Margaret
     
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Wise words Margaret; so often we become wrapped up in what is the best thing for the person that we are caring for, that we forget other family members, and ourselves.
    Love Helen
     
  11. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Why not consider respite care in a well run local Care Home for a couple of weeks, to see how your Mum copes with it?
    My Mum liked her care home and felt much happier being looked after and having company 24 hours a day. I enjoyed visiting her more because I didn't have to worry about day to day issues of tablets and things to do with the house and preparing meals. The carers in the home gave me much needed support and noticed things about Mum that I hadn't even thought of.
    While Mum was at home, both me and my husband once had flu-like colds and weren't up to checking on Mum and we didn't want to pass our germs on to her either. There was just nobody else available to take over for a day or two, so this was another deciding factor when Mum went into a Care Home.
    Your first responsibility is to your young children and they need you much more than your Mum does, as other people can take care of her. I think my Mum was content, even in the Nursing Home after she broke her hip.
    When she had her heart attack, the carers were taking care of her so she wasn't alone and was taken straight to hospital, where she died before we could get there. At least she as surrounded by people and not all by herself.
    Kayla
     
  12. Mummy's Girl

    Mummy's Girl Registered User

    Oct 27, 2006
    26
    Wigan
    Hello there

    I have jsut been through the trauma of a similar situation with my mum. There are 5 of us so all the decisions have been shared.

    We had the option of increasing care and were advised to look at Direct Payments. Do you know about this? You get funding directly to employ (if you choose) someone to care for your mum. In our case, this wasn't feasible as she was wandering out lots and to tell you the truth we have lost faith in Home Care as they have let us down a lot.

    We have kept mum at home for 12mths more than we were expected to, but finally, we made the decision to find a care home for her. To say she didn't want this is a HUGE understatement.. but she's been in for a week and the tears have stopped and we are actually seeing improvements in her. It is still officially respite - they got her in within 24hrs, but with a view to permanent residency. Respite may be an option for you. Do you have an active social worker? If not, get one. OUrs has been fantastic! But apart from that, my eldest sister who was doing the majority of the care is looking better. She was so stressed and weepy all the time and now she can enjoy mum as her mum again.. the visits are nice and relaxed.

    It is the hardest decision and we are still feeling an amount of guilt about it... although we are sure that we had no other option. To see mum happy makes us so happy! TP will give you lots of advice and support whatever you choose. Good luck!

    Karen
    x
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #13 Margarita, Jun 15, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2007
    Hope you don't mind Louise , I look back at your posting , and understand why your at your wit end, trying to cope .





    Have you been back in touch with Social services since that post April 07 if you don't mind sharing ? what did they say when they came around on that Monday that your referring to above ?
     
  14. Catey

    Catey Registered User

    Jun 14, 2007
    9
    South Bucks
    Louise, this is a very difficult situation but you have to think of yourself and your children. I have put my mum into a residential home, even though I assured her for years that I never would. I have done this because I know that she will get better care there than I could ever give her.

    You really must think of yourself, your husband and your children. Once she is in the home you will find you have much more quality time to spend with her when her immediate needs are met.
     
  15. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Louise,

    Reading the post Margarita kindly looked up, I am amazed you have coped up to now.

    As the strain of looking after your Mum is affecting your family badly, you should probably should be looking into residential care for your Mum.

    I can only suggest you and your husband go to your own GP and tell them exactly how much of a struggle looking after her and a young family is and asking for urgent help. A united front usually gets better results than just one partner going.

    Sadly, help is sometimes only given when we demand it!

    Good luck Louise and look after yourself as best you can.

    Kathleen
    x
     
  16. Louise.D

    Louise.D Registered User

    Apr 13, 2007
    68
    Essex
    You guys are so great. Thank you everyone for your support. I don't know what I'd of done without Talking Point. There are so many people out there doing there best for their families and you are all an insperation.

    Things are looking up (for the time being) I have contacted a Private Care Agency who has send me a carer for mum 3-4 hours each morning. She will also be here ALL day today (Saturday) which is a godsend. She is a lovely lady who is genuine and loves her job. However next week she will be elsewhere so I don't know who I'm going to get. Social Services are also sending me in someone for 45 mins in the morning to help get mum out of bed. They want her bedridden as the social services carer says that she is to much of a 'risk' Told the private agency carer this and she laughed, and agreed with me that all my mum needs is time.

    I have looked at care homes and have found a place to start immediatly it's a 'Sunrise' establishment. However it's 30 miles away from me. When I went there it looked like all the residents were having a 'ball'. It was midday and some were dancing, singing and there was a man playing a piano singing to them. A lady was dressed in a ball gown eating her lunch and another chap was dressed up like Ozzzy Osbourne. They encouraged residents to have their own identity and anything went (within reason) They all were very, very happy. They go out twice a week in a minibus and have numerous activities. Mum gets no social service financial help whatsoever so before I place her there I need to ensure that she can afford it as it's posible she could live another 20 years. She's only 77 and her mum lived until she was 97. I'm seeing the consultant Tuesday so may be able to give me more information on this.

    I've also looked at a local home that's near to me it's a BUPA place and seems okay. The cost is half of the other home and if she runs out of money she can stay there. Ive put her name down but they have said that they cannot see them having a space in the near future as all residents are in good condition.

    Mum was in respite for 10 days two weeks ago. She came back in a state, they had not brushed her teeth for 10 days as I forgot to pack her toothsbrush, she also lost ALL of her clothes (apart from those that she was standing up in) She was also in there for 10 days without medication as they said when it was offered she refused it. I never have that problem as I tell her to take it.

    Margaret said that with a live in carer I would constantly be checking up on things. But, if she went into a NH I would probably be doing that aswell. I have just got to accept that no NH can look after her as well as I can.

    So, I've decided to do as I promised on my fathers deathbed that 'I will look after her for as long as possible'. I will have to break this promise eventually and many tears will be shed. Quite frankly mum and dad have had their lives, enjoyed their children and put their own parents in homes. When the times comes and I am ready I shall do the same and I shan't feel one bit guilty as I would have done my best for her.

    Thanks everyone who replied, your a great bunch of people.
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #17 Margarita, Jun 16, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2007
    I 2nd that :)

    My mother came back from respite last week , I pack her toothbrush , her teeth till look like they had not been brush . gone all funny yellow , don't know if it was because I had forgot to pack steradent to put her teeth in .

    With my mother she came back with different clothes & half of her clothes missing :rolleyes: & her slippers , but that does seem a very common thing to happen , from what I have read on TP .



    Anyway I am please to read that things are picking up for you
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,659
    Kent
    Well Louise, you certainly will have no reason to feel guilty about anything you do for your mother, now, or in the future. It is obvious from your posts you have her best interests at heart and are really trying to find the most suitable care for her.

    I wish you all the luck in the world. You are keeping your promise to your father, without doubt.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  19. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Louise

    Clearly you have worked very hard to sort things out for mum, well done.

    I think you are being very sensible in your outlook, and I echo completely what Sylvia has said.

    Keep posting, let us know how you and mum are doing.

    Love
    Cate
     
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Louise

    Well done! You have done exactly what TP is set up for -- read all the replies, considered them, and made up your own mind.

    You have found the ideal solution for your mum, one that you will both be comfortable with. And you have found a lovely place for her should things become too difficult in the future. You are certainly fulfilling your promise to your dad.

    It sounds like the perfect solution, to me. Let us know how it goes.

    Love,
     

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