Last night at home?

[LizzieT]

Unbelievably only 2 weeks on from thinking I would buy my pa a new smaller house where he lives, he is potentially spending his last night in his own home, and he doesn't know it.

I listened to all your wise advice and have found him a lovely care home 5 minutes from where we live (rather than a 3 hour round trip). He has just about been managing with 24 hour care, but I and my family can't manage any more.

I know that I have to do this, but this is such a low point. I am saying 'convalescence after your chest infection' and other well meant lies, but I think he senses what I am up to and it is so horrid.

I am here on my own with him, otherwise it seems to make a big thing of it, but the hidden packing and lies are so hard and it feels really unkind.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow please and how on earth would I have got this far without access to everyone else bearing their souls.

12 hours to go

Lizzie

 

[turbo]

Hello Lizzie, I am thinking of you and your dad. It is such a hard thing to do even when you know there is no other choice. Please let us know how tomorrow goes for you and your dad.


turbo

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi Lizzie

I felt like you do a few months ago. Mam had to go into respite at short notice, and I had to stay overnight with her and my dad, at the consultant's insistence.

Strangely, despite all the problems that had led to the respite decision, and perhaps because I was there, that evening was actually pretty calm and 'normal'. Mam was happy to sit and watch telly, something she usually refused to do, or allow my dad to do, prior to that night, she took her tablets easily and was generally content.

I couldn't stop thinking like you, about a countdown. How she had no idea what tomorrow was going to bring, that the powers that be had decided for her.

Like you say, it was horrid.

But - it was being done for the best, and was in my mam and dad's best interests at the time.

Hang on in there. You know that you're doing this for all the right reasons. I wish you both a peaceful night.

I hope it all works out. Keep posting and let us know how it goes.

xx

 

[2jays]

I remember that feeling. The night before....

On the day we went to take mum to the care home for "convalescence" I felt so guilty that I knew and she didn't, what we were doing.

The huge kicker was just as she was leaving her house, she said

"It feels like I will never see this house again"

We lied through our back teeth and said of course you will, the doctor wants to sort out your tablets and your "spinnies" (as she called them") and you will be home.....

I KNOW we did the right thing for mum

Doesn't make it any easier

My heart breaks with yours, but we are doing the right thing. Honestly - even though sometimes it doesn't feel as if we are.

xxx

 

[leedsfan]

Lizzie,

Just want you to know I so feel for you tonight. I feel sure that before too long I will be in your position, despite doing everything I can to keep my Dad were he wants to be, he is going down hill so fast. I even told my GP today, that I know things are not going to get any better, and the time will come....

Please do not beat yourself up. I wish you all the strength in the world. I am thinking about you, and everyone else on here tonight is with you.

Love and thoughts Jane.

 

[rjm]

I hope the next 12 hours, and the following few days go well for both of you. Sometimes doing the best thing and the right thing ends up being the hardest.

 

[dognecks]

my heart goes out to you and how you are feeling tonight..... from paul carer of dementia... hugs more hugs for you ..... i wish we did this more ...

 

[winda]

I know how hard it is Lizzie but sometimes there is no other choice.

Thinking of you today. Let us know how you get on xx

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of you and wishing you strength for today.

 

[BeckyJan]

My thoughts are with you today Lizzie. It is hard but those of us who have been through it know how necessary it is.
Let us know how it goes. Best wishes

 

[Michaelaspeek]

Hi Lizzie
I actually have tears in my eyes reading these posts as it has brought back memories of the night before I put my wonderful mother into a CH. My mother was 68 and diagnosed with AD/Dementia and I managed to care for her for about a year and a half at home – I promised her I would always look after her at home and would never (which I really meant at the time) put her in a CH.
A promise I could not keep. My mother’s condition deteriated quite quickly and she became a danger to herself – she could have burnt the house down twice, she started wandering off during the day crossing busy road and lots more incidents which I am sure many TP readers have gone through.
So there I was the night before, sitting on my mother’s bed, us holding hands and both of us in tears.
I kept promising her it was only for a short time until she felt better – I felt awful lying to my mother and not keeping the promise of never putting her in a CH.
But she did go and for the first few weeks in the CH, mother kept asking “when am I coming home – why cannot I can come home – there is nothing wrong with me”?. I lied and kept telling her, you can come home when the doctors sorts out your medication (which she seemed to except).
The first few weeks were extremely hard and there was a few times it looked like the CH were going to ask mother to leave due to quite a lot of incidents.
But here we are 8 months later, mother is still in the CH.
Mother loves it and calls it her second home. She is very happy, loves her bedroom, loves the staff and honestly looks happier than she has done for years.
I think it is me that misses her more – the house is quiet and I miss looking after my mother

I hope all goes well for you

Kind wishes
Micke

 

[LizzieT]

Well he is there now and I have just got home 5 minutes away.

Poor poor man. Because I am doing this for me and my family rather than a few more months down the line (late stage 5, early 6), he had it sussed in minutes. I have used everything i have ever learnt from tp, and it worked for an hour then chaos. Rude, agressive and the home aren't sure they want him.

I have been there all day, and will continue to do all i can to keep him there. This has to work for my sanity and i have no idea what else we will do.

The staff have been absolutely lovely, but it feels like a giant angry teething toddler has me in his grasp and i'm shattered.

Fabulous support from all of you and some great friends and family.

Invisible brother replied to text rather than asking/ helping, and I wish it didn't hurt but it does. He has no idea.

Will try and have some better news tomorrow

Lizzie x

 

[rjm]

No useful suggestions I'm afraid, but sending lots of good wishes that things settle down for him your way.

 

[winda]

Hopefully the staff will be skilled enough to help your dad settle in. I hope so. But it may take some time.

I hope that things are better tomorow when you visit xx

 

[2jays]

That's why you feel guilty. You think you are doing it for your benefit.

That's why you shouldn't feel guilty. You are doing it for your benefit and his - because if you had to carry on the way it was, he would suffer a lot worse than he is now, because it could have been the case, as it was in my case for a while, you woukd not be able to be there for him when he was at home.

You are doing something amazing. You are doing your best.

Thinking of you. Understanding exactly how you feel.

xx