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Last Holiday ?

Cotswold Kate

New member
Apr 1, 2020
3
I just read the post from Bugs re her week on the Isle of Wight with her husband, and I can so relate to that. Having thought long and hard about even taking a holiday this year, I decided to go for it, and we have just returned from a week in a lovely self catering cottage in Norfolk. This is our usual type of holiday, and is in an area we know and love well.
We couldn’t have asked for better weather, hot and sunny every day...in mid September.
But.....Instead of coming home relaxed, refreshed and de stressed, I’ve come home with a deep sadness. We generally only go away once a year, and I think I know deep down that in a years time my husband will not be able to holiday anymore. I’m even wondering if he will still be living with me this time next year. And that realisation brings me such a profound sense of sadness, it also if I’m honest brings me feelings of anger and resentment , which I’m ashamed of. I can’t help but think “ What about me “. Am I destined to holidaying on my own , or probably not bothering actually. Shall I be the women in the hotel single room overlooking the carpark, put on the small table in the corner by the kitchen door in the restaurant....is that my future....
We had problems that I hadn’t expected this week, he was far more anxious and confused than he is at home, seemed generally unsettled and not happy. Little things threw him....like using the kettle because it was different to ours at home, finding light switches, remembering which cupboard door was the fridge , remembering where we were etc. I worried sick that we would get separated when we were out and he would have no idea how to find me....he no longer has a mobile phone.
If I’m honest, it was a strain, and I’m not sure how much he enjoyed himself, I also desperately miss talking to him....his conversation has reduced so much, we walk and eat in silence most of the time now, and I hate it. I say “ do this, don’t do that “ just like I would with a toddler....hardly a stimulating chat with the man I’ve loved for 40 years is it.
We got chatting to a lovely couple on the holiday, they were retired, they had bought a camper van, and at the first sign of good weather take themselves off.....I don’t want a camper van, but just that passing conversation with two total strangers made me feel so sad for the future that I won’t have......
And sadly I think he knows it too, and that just makes me want to cry, especially when he keeps saying he’s sorry.

So, I think I’ve just had my very last holiday with my husband....how very very sad is that.
Thanks for listening, I just had to pour all this out.
 

Jochris

New member
Sep 4, 2020
5
I sympathize with you Cotswold Kate. I've had the same experience for the last two years. My husband and I went abroad for many years, but on our last trip, three years ago, I realised it would be the last one. Since then our holidays have got less and less. From week long holidays away to one or two nights.
He too became more disoriantated even in an en- suite bedroom, so sleep was disrupted lots. It wasn't exactly a relaxing time for me. Our holidays now consist of days out, if we can, but not too far from home as I do all the driving.
I think that even days out will be too much for him as his mobility is slowing down and also he doesn't want me to leave him on his own for too long so meeting up with friends (socially distanced) is difficult.
Even though the future seems bleak, I hope that you (and me) will be able to be cheered up by our happy marriages of 40 years which no disease can take away.
 

Cotswold Kate

New member
Apr 1, 2020
3
I sympathize with you Cotswold Kate. I've had the same experience for the last two years. My husband and I went abroad for many years, but on our last trip, three years ago, I realised it would be the last one. Since then our holidays have got less and less. From week long holidays away to one or two nights.
He too became more disoriantated even in an en- suite bedroom, so sleep was disrupted lots. It wasn't exactly a relaxing time for me. Our holidays now consist of days out, if we can, but not too far from home as I do all the driving.
I think that even days out will be too much for him as his mobility is slowing down and also he doesn't want me to leave him on his own for too long so meeting up with friends (socially distanced) is difficult.
Even though the future seems bleak, I hope that you (and me) will be able to be cheered up by our happy marriages of 40 years which no disease can take away.
Thank you, and just knowing I’m not the only one going through this helps so much.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,025
69
Dundee
Hi @Cotswold Kate and @Jochris ,
please read the thread " Some days are diamonds " by @Izzy , which I hope can encourage you .
After a long and happy marriage, she resumed travelling sometimes on her own, other times on package tours.
Life can have much in store for us.
Hugs to both of you
That’s kind of you to remember the thread @margherita. I’ afraid I haven’t posted there for a long time but here’s the link anyway -

 

Angtrog

Registered User
Mar 25, 2020
72
I have just listened to the thread/some-days-are-diamonds how very true this song is. Dementia is a journey some good days some bad days but we should cherish the good days as some thing to remind ourselves of happier times.
 

Gorgeous Gail

Registered User
Apr 17, 2020
74
So sad reading your post @Cotswold Kate but one that I can identify with. Whilst I haven't been with my OH as long as you - just 23 and married for 17 tomorrow we have had many lovely holidays and in recent years in the UK in our touring caravan. Sadly due to his mobility issues, the caravan had to go this year which was a big wrench as it was my pride and joy.

We had a 3 day break at a friend's cottage last month and like you, instead of relaxing and coming back refreshed, I was left exhausted and stressed. My issues were more around his mobility and getting him up and down steps and stairs and using the toilet as we didn't take the frame.

I'm at the point now of considering what we do in the future, do we just not go or do I look at holiday homes where there are disabled facilities. Like you, I do wonder about familiarity of surroundings and if going away is actually more trouble than it's worth.

Meantime. I'm taking him out tomorrow for lunch to a place that we both know well so fingers crossed it all goes smoothly.

Take care.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,025
69
Dundee
I have just listened to the thread/some-days-are-diamonds how very true this song is. Dementia is a journey some good days some bad days but we should cherish the good days as some thing to remind ourselves of happier times.
I chose the song for that very reason. Take care.
 

ANDY W

New member
Sep 19, 2020
1
Hi, I have just joined this forum primarily because I too have also recognised that our holidays in France have now probably come to an end and I am experiencing exactly the same guilty feelings of frustration and resentment expressed by Cotswold Kate. Our family have been going to a particular camp site since our daughters were in their teens and have continued with our grandchildren. We were both looking forward to a three week break in our chalet but forced to return after a very trying week since my wife was totally disorientated, awake every night with panic attacks, trying to get dressed and leave for home and not letting let me out if her sight. The only pleasurable moments were while out walking the dog during the cooler hours of the day. Coming home to two weeks of quarantine hasn't helped and although my wife's sleep pattern has greatly improved her confusion and lack of ability to perform the simplest tasks extremely limited. I have finally recognised that I shall need the support of a carer to give me break if only for an hour to get out on my bike or go for a run. Its reassuring to know that others have so similar experiences and I am finding it somewhat cathartic to share with others and put my feelings I print.
 

Looseleaf

Registered User
Mar 22, 2020
22
Hi, I have just joined this forum primarily because I too have also recognised that our holidays in France have now probably come to an end and I am experiencing exactly the same guilty feelings of frustration and resentment expressed by Cotswold Kate. Our family have been going to a particular camp site since our daughters were in their teens and have continued with our grandchildren. We were both looking forward to a three week break in our chalet but forced to return after a very trying week since my wife was totally disorientated, awake every night with panic attacks, trying to get dressed and leave for home and not letting let me out if her sight. The only pleasurable moments were while out walking the dog during the cooler hours of the day. Coming home to two weeks of quarantine hasn't helped and although my wife's sleep pattern has greatly improved her confusion and lack of ability to perform the simplest tasks extremely limited. I have finally recognised that I shall need the support of a carer to give me break if only for an hour to get out on my bike or go for a run. Its reassuring to know that others have so similar experiences and I am finding it somewhat cathartic to share with others and put my feelings I print.
Yes our holidays have come to an end - no chance of going away when oh can't find the bathroom in his own home and has phases of asking to go home when he is at home. All made more difficult by friends asking 'have you been away' and 'what are your plans to go away?' How do you answer with oh standing there. Looking forward to a day out on Monday to visit friends in their holiday cottage but over 100 mile round drive for me and oh was already starting to pack this morning and hated reminding him it is only a day trip! The other blow is we were also going to visit my daughter on her caravan holiday but have had to cancel that as she is a family of 5 (twin 1 year olds!) and so with the rule of 6 we would be too many!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
926
Southampton
Yes our holidays have come to an end - no chance of going away when oh can't find the bathroom in his own home and has phases of asking to go home when he is at home. All made more difficult by friends asking 'have you been away' and 'what are your plans to go away?' How do you answer with oh standing there. Looking forward to a day out on Monday to visit friends in their holiday cottage but over 100 mile round drive for me and oh was already starting to pack this morning and hated reminding him it is only a day trip! The other blow is we were also going to visit my daughter on her caravan holiday but have had to cancel that as she is a family of 5 (twin 1 year olds!) and so with the rule of 6 we would be too many!
you would have been all right in scotland as children under 11 dont count
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
86
Portsmouth, South Coast
Towards the end of 2019 I realised that holidays would soon become a thing of the past and decided to make 2020 our big year of fun and a Last Hurrah.
Between Jauary and early March we did manage three single day events and a 4 night break in Cornwall but then along came Covid so six booked and paid for day trips and short breaks got cancelled.
Next Monday, we're due to get away for a seven night self catering holiday in Devon. It was booked at the start of this year.
I've tried to stay jolly and positive about it and bought a nice shiny new SatNav and made lists of what to take and what to leave at home, checked out what should (or maybe won't) be open to visit. Sorted out where the supermarkets of my choice are located so I don't need a shed load of groceries in the car. Meds are all in order. Good to go!
But now, on the count down, I'm looking forward to it less and less. The constant uncertainty of how it will go and will my dear old chap cope, coupled with the fact that he goes on and on and on whilst I'm trying to concentrate on driving is almost making me wish we could have a last minute lockdown again.
I'm sick of hearing "Shall I take this book?" or "How many days before we go?" or "Do I need money? How do I get money?" time and time again. He's not anxious about it - he's looking forward to it - but it's driving me nuts! What a miserable old bat I am.
I shall need another holiday to get over the stress of this one!
How different from the years when we'd just wing it. Simply do stuff without a thought. Take on the world with just a smile, a toothbrush and a credit card. I miss my man. I don't really like the oversized 4 year old who's taken his place. Although a 4 year old could be preferable as they do learn and retain knowledge.
 

Gorgeous Gail

Registered User
Apr 17, 2020
74
@AbbyGee you have hit the nail on the head and it's not just holidays, everything that you do in life has to be planned to military precision and it kind of takes the fun out of it!
We celebrated our wedding anniversary at the weekend and without prompting on the day my OH wished me a happy anniversary but quickly followed it up with 'where did it go wrong?' It broke my heart .
 

Scraggy mag

Registered User
Oct 30, 2018
38
We have a weekend in a caravan booked for first week 8n October really thinking of cancelling dont think I can cope him not being in familiar surroundings toilet etc .I think it might be more trouble than its worth . I miss my man too we have had such lovely holidays. I could accept the no holidays if we could be at home chatting and discussing everything like we used to not the silence and not understanding anything .
 

Flossie369

New member
May 6, 2020
4
We have a weekend in a caravan booked for first week 8n October really thinking of cancelling dont think I can cope him not being in familiar surroundings toilet etc .I think it might be more trouble than its worth . I miss my man too we have had such lovely holidays. I could accept the no holidays if we could be at home chatting and discussing everything like we used to not the silence and not understanding anything .
Hi - I have concerns. We are booked to go on a 5 day coach trip at the end of October. I am thinking it is going to be too stressful. Sunday morning and today Tuesday, OH has woken really early to get up and get dressed to go to work. He is retired. He has never made it out through the door, though. I have been trying to placate/distract him which has had little effect. I just don't know how to calm the situation down. I have classical music on now. This worries me regards going on holiday as we would be part of a socially distanced coach party.
Does anyone have advice?
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
659
Hi - I have concerns. We are booked to go on a 5 day coach trip at the end of October. I am thinking it is going to be too stressful. Sunday morning and today Tuesday, OH has woken really early to get up and get dressed to go to work. He is retired. He has never made it out through the door, though. I have been trying to placate/distract him which has had little effect. I just don't know how to calm the situation down. I have classical music on now. This worries me regards going on holiday as we would be part of a socially distanced coach party.
Does anyone have advice?
Book an appointment with the GP to discuss medication options?
Just don’t go?
Go and depending on distance take out large wad of cash in case you choose to get a taxi home after day two?
Always remember if someone is getting challenging to think ‘ do you need feeding’?