Last few nights at home?

Jld3

Registered User
Oct 27, 2019
37
0
Last Friday I met with a social worker and said I can't cope any more. My husband is incontinent but doesn't want to be washed and gets aggressive with me if I try to help him to change his trousers so really it needs 2 people to sort him out. Inevitably he soils himself when the carer has just left and sometimes it can take hours before he let's me help him. The social worker is hoping to sort out a respite placement for him with the possibility that it might become a permanent move. Since the meeting he has been quiet and calm so now I'm feeling so guilty at the thought of sending him away. A care home would be his worst nightmare. He always said he'd prefer to take a load of sleeping pills rather than end up the way his mum went. After 51 years of marriage he may only have a few nights left together and I can't escape the idea that I'm betraying him
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
Hi @Jld3

Im sorry you are having so many problems with your husband. Incontinence is often a game changer. You may be having a few good days, but you know deep down that this wont last, dont you?

No one wants to feel that they will end up in a care home, but dementia changes things. My mum begged me (with tears) to never "put her in a home", but I had no choice as she was going out at night in her nightwear and banging on random peoples doors at silly o'clock in the morning because she was lost. Once she settled (which did take a couple of months) she thrived and was happy there, because a care home was what she needed.

I cant see that you have much choice either. Resistance to personal care needs a whole team of people to deal with it, on hand 24/7. It is not a betrayal - it is getting him the care he needs when one person is not enough. It would be more of a betrayal if you had refused him this.
xxx
 

Cariad 42

Registered User
Dec 18, 2018
40
0
Although I haven't had this experience my heart went out to you when I read your post so i wanted to respond.
I would urge you not to think of this as betrayal. You are acting in your husbands best interests because the situation is beyond what you are able to cope with. Although things may seem calmer right now it is unlikely to last and he needs a team of people who are able to look after his personal care.
Hopefully as he settles you can enjoy better times together as you begin to recover from the physical and mental exhaustion.
Praying for emotional strength for you xx
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
3,836
0
It is a hard decision to make but, as @canary says you do need help as this disease progresses. Dealing with incontinence is difficult especially when someone is refusing help.

You have looked after your husband but now need the help of others to allow you to look after yourself properly. Your husband will take time to settle so that will be hard for you both but eventually things will calm down and hopefully things will improve for you both. You will be able to visit as his wife not as his carer.

You are both in my thoughts x
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
781
0
@canary is right, your husband's needs are moving beyond your ability to cope and if it breaks you it damages his care. This is not a betrayal but an act of caring. Just look at the 50 years of love and care you have given him, but you also owe it to yourself to salvage something of your own life knowing that he is well cared for and in the best possible place for his needs. As carers if we live our lives with guilt it means that we do care and are doing our best. Thinking of you, I know it's hard. xx
 

Jld3

Registered User
Oct 27, 2019
37
0
Thank you all for your support. Izzy, the booklet you sent was very good. I know in my head that I'm doing the right thing but it's so hard emotionally
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,363
0
Newcastle
Hi @Jld3 It is hard when a care home seems to be the only option to meet growing needs. But needs come before wants. What your husband wanted before dementia may no longer be relevant. My wife hated the idea of a care home but, by the time she needed 24 hour care, she was able to settle quite quickly. Do not feel guilty for doing the right thing. With the care he needs provided by others you .may find that moving to a care home is not so traumatic. Then, freed of hands on care, you may regain a little of your former relationship.
 

Jld3

Registered User
Oct 27, 2019
37
0
We heard today that the application for a permanent move to a care home has been approved. The first home on offer was a 3 hour drive away which would make visits very difficult. The social worker is great and refused that option but I don't know how many places we'll be able to reject. Have other people been forced to accept places so far away? We live in Oxfordshire so I don't know if the issue is lack of suitable provision locally. Thanks