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Laeticia

Laeticia

Registered User
Feb 20, 2015
3
Wiltshire
Hi, I've just joined TP and the Alzheimers forum. My Dad has just died of the disease at the age of 97, after suffering from it for about 6 years. I wish I had found this forum while he was going through it all. He was in a lovely nursing home for the last three years of his life, and my sister and I sat with him right to the end. We wanted to be there for him, holding his hand and talking to him until he died. A couple of hours before he passed away, he was still able to talk a little, and his last words were 'I was always so very fund of your Mum'. He was the most lovely man, and his death has not come as a relief, as I thought it would. Instead, I still feel in shock after the difficult last few hours and being with him when he died, the first time I had ever witnessed a death. Now, I just feel that I miss him, and wish that I had been able to do more to help him in this horrid disease.

What concerns me most is that people expect me to feel relief and to be fine. It does not seem acceptable in our society to feel real grief for very old people who die. I am staying positive, understand that it really is a relief for him to be out of his confusion and distress, and that I need to move on. But I have been surprised by how difficult it all is!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,067
Kent
Hello Laeticia

What a shame you didn`t find us sooner. Welcome. :)

We all know about grief here. It`s not the age of the person it`s what they mean to those who are left.

You don`t have to justify yourself to other people. They have no right to tell you how to feel and how to behave.

It has been found other people expect grief to felt over a fixed period and I feel those who lack so much understanding have never experienced grief themselves.
 

Adcat

Registered User
Jun 15, 2014
287
London
Hello, your post made my cry!
My dad has mixed dementia, diagnosed 5 months ago. He is 87. Dad and I have always been as thick as thieves and despite the awfulness of this illness I can't imagine what life would be without him.
However, when we lost my mother, dad told me in no uncertain terms that life must go on. I try and remember this when I feel particularly low because this illness is only going one way and age is not on his side!
How wonderful for you to be with your dad until the end.
Please consider bereavement counselling and give yourself time and be nice to yourself - your traumatised.
Take care x
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,907
England
Hello Leaticia and welcome to TP.

We are a forum for Carer's, sufferers and those grieving a loss. Hopefully you can find the help and understanding you need right now from members who know just how you feel.

Stay with us and let us help you through and when days are starting to be better, whether next month or next year you might like to pass on some of the knowledge you have gained whilst caring. Please don't let anyone pressurise you into speeding up your grieving, take it at your own time.
 

Bree

Registered User
Oct 16, 2013
242
Age has no part in grief, your dad was your dad. I missed mine terribly when he died, the one person who loved me no matter what, and always did his best for me. That was nearly twenty years ago, but sometimes tears still fill my eyes when I think of him.

When you hear horror stories of how some children are treated, it makes you realise just how lucky we were to have the dads we did. We have to grieve, it's normal. You did what you could to ease his suffering, take heart from the love you shared.
 

Laeticia

Registered User
Feb 20, 2015
3
Wiltshire
Hello, your post made my cry!
My dad has mixed dementia, diagnosed 5 months ago. He is 87. Dad and I have always been as thick as thieves and despite the awfulness of this illness I can't imagine what life would be without him.
However, when we lost my mother, dad told me in no uncertain terms that life must go on. I try and remember this when I feel particularly low because this illness is only going one way and age is not on his side!
How wonderful for you to be with your dad until the end.
Please consider bereavement counselling and give yourself time and be nice to yourself - your traumatised.
Take care x
Hi, Adcat. not used to this format, so may do it all wrong. Thanks for responding, and good luck with your situation. The sad thing about the disease is that there truly is no way back. And poor Dad had had enough! No one told us about end of life signs until the whole thing was upon us, and we could only react. There is a reluctance to discuss such things, I feel. Yes, we are lucky to be born into such happy families.