Knew it couldn't last

[Roma]

Hi All

Well the honeymoon period is well and truly over!! Mam went into care home last Thursday and she settled in fine. She liked the staff and was happy being there. I visited last Friday and still she was happy. I visited on Monday and took her out for lunch and a drive and she went back to the home no bother. She was very cheerful and enjoyed the trip out.

Today however is a different story. Wants to know when she's going home and she doesn't like it. Was in floods of tears and saying that she just wants to be in her own home, that no-one talks to her all she does is stay in her room.

I tried all the tactics suggested on TP saying that the Doctor said she needs to be there for a while until her leg gets better (she has venous excema which I'm hoping won't break down into an ulcer). She wasn't happy with that explanation so just had to say that she would need to stay for a while until I could organise something for her to go home. This seemed to placate her a little. I was going to take her out tomorrow again for lunch but I'm worried that if I take her out I won't be able to get her back!!

I know this is a familiar story with a lot of the members of TP who have their loved ones in a home, but it's so hard. I suppose I was fooling myself that once she was there then everything would be hunky dory.

I feel very disheartened and just know I'll be wrestling with the guilt monster tonight and get no sleep


Roma x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Roma

Is it possible that when your mother first went into the home she was made a fuss of to help her feel welcome, and now the fuss and attention have quietened down.

I imagine this often happens with new residents and then the novelty wears off.

It`s not much fun for you though and I do know how hard it is as it happened with my mother too. I`m afraid I `fobbed `her off, like you, saying I`d try to make arrangements.

But I never did.

You will not be on your own Roma, I think everyone who has had to resort to residential care has been through just what you are suffering now. Forget the guilt. Your mother was at risk by herself and you have acted in her best interests. Please try not to lose sleep over this very painful situation.

Love xx

 

[TinaT]

Please try not to feel guilty. Your mum is there so that she can get the care and attention she needs. With the best will in the world, you could not fulfil her 24/7 needs. She is not able to appreciate that but you are!

Wanting to go home is a very common situation here on TP and there is no easy solution. It is early days for your mum and if you are satified with the level of care which the home gives, then all you can do is keep on trying the diversionary tactics. It is early days still for your mum to come to terms with her new situation. My husband has been in a Home now for some months but still desperately wants to come home. It is very hard to walk away when someone you love dearly is begging to come home and I have left him so many times with a huge knot in my stomach and feeling as distressed as he is. I seem to have been able to overcome the problem of leaving recently as I now ask a member of staff to divert him and maintain his attention whilst I leave. When your mum gets to know the staff more perhaps this might work for you.

It may be a good idea not to take her out for a few days until she has settled into her new routine and accepts that she will always be going back to her new home after trips out. You know your mum best and I'm sure will do your very best to help her to settle.

I do hope that your mum can settle and that you still have some very good times together in the future.
xxTinaT

 

[fearful fiona]

Hello Roma,

Join the club. Exactly the same thing with my Mum, she moved into the home two weeks ago and everything was lovely. Now, same as with your Mum, she wants to go home. It is so difficult leaving at the end of a visit because I want to kiss her and say goodbye properly but it just doesn't work and I have to "disappear". It is the kindest thing to do, I know, but it doesn't stop it being very upsetting.

Guilt is such a commmon theme on TP. But no-one can provide 24 hour care for a loved one and the only solution is a home with all the professional and constant help that is needed.

Good luck.

 

[jack29]

Hi Roma,
Gosh do I know how you feel. The first NH Dad was in was awful and the one he is in now is lovley. He was really pleased to move in but now all he talks about is when he's allowed out, that he's going to run away and goes on about all the arguments he has with the staff...over any little thing!He tells me how depressed he is and how can I abandon him like this. I do understand how your feeling and it's so hard when you know you are doing the best for them.
I have found some days are easier than others but at least our parents are in a safe invironment.