1. Charboo

    Charboo New member

    Feb 21, 2018
    Hi I care for my mum in law full time . She has late stage alzheimer's my question is how will I know when to move her to a care home .would it be the best for her ? My hubby says no and wants to keep her home but hes not the one doing the PC although he helps with other things . I dont want to force her into one but now my hubby and I have now moved in with her but my teenage children are not happy being at home on their own they are 19 and 17 how can I keep everyone happy ?
  2. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    channel islands
    Hi Charboo - my MIL lives with myself and my husband and we have agreed that when the time comes she will into a care home and this will come mainly from myself as the main carer as I have the final say (for once!). I do not have any children living with me anymore all grown up however for me personally, I would have to put my children first. Obviously its completely your choice and you do as you think best within your own circumstances but you will never please everyone with your choices as I have learnt the hard way! You have to also think of yourself though, try not to put yourself at the bottom of the list - its not easy that's what we do as carers but if it was me, I would think about the care home now.
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi @Charboo
    welcome to posting

    short answer is ... you can't

    I appreciate that your husband wants to do all he can for his mother ... the 2 of you moving in with her and leaving your children is, though, a drastic way of managing the situation .... and doesn't seem to be making anyone 'happy'

    sadly, your mil is unlikely to be happy with any arrangement, the dementia will simply require more and more from those who care for her and she's probably not going to show any gratitude or appreciate anyone else's perspective ... it's not you 'forcing' her into a move, it's a result of the demands of the dementia

    your moving in with her may be the way to show your husband that his mother needs full time care and that it's too much to ask you to provide this ... I doubt he is happy; he's trying to put off the inevitable, and imo at the expense of your family life

    your children aren't babies, but they are still young to be left to live by themselves to run the family home ... maybe they will learn how to look after themselves ... though it's hard on them, especially with winter and Christmas coming up

    and it's tough on you, wanting to be with them

    maybe start looking at local residential dementia homes so you have an idea of what might bs suitable, and even put your mil's name on thd waiting list of a couple ... better to be prepared than hit a crisis

    and do have an assessment of her care needs and a care package put in place ... you may be living in her house but that doesn't mean you have to forgoe home care visits, day care and respite which are to take the strain off you and give you the chance to spend time with your children
    also have a carer's assessment for yourself ... and look into Attendance Allowance and Carer's Allowance
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    I agree with other posters. Moving in with mother-in-law at the expense of your children, is personally, a step too far. Your husband is just putting off the inevitable . Start looking for care homes. You are entitled to a life of your own.
  6. Charboo

    Charboo New member

    Feb 21, 2018
  7. Charboo

    Charboo New member

    Feb 21, 2018
    Hi thank you all for your words of wisdom I have got a sw coming to re assess my mil and ha e been to look at care homes over the last couple of days . We had a family meeting last night and have come to agreement that we will stay with mil but get a care company in at weekends to give us family time until a place comes available at the care home local to us . I am a little more optimistic about the future now once again thankyou
  8. BumpTrunk

    BumpTrunk New member

    Oct 24, 2019
    My mother is having Alzheimer, and it is in the last stage, I took the decision to take care of her at home, don't want to leave her alone and let anybody else take care of her. You will say that this is hard and you are absolutely right. I have money for a care home but don't want to leave her.

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