1. maggier

    maggier Registered User

    Jan 9, 2006
    Hi everyone

    My new problem (I seem to have a new one each day) is how do I go about getting mum to keep herself clean. In the past 2 weeks she has started to wet herself sometimes and I know she does change her pants but she doesn't always change her skirt or trousers. Then I cannot seem to get her to have a bath or wash her hair. When I try and encourage her or suggest that she has a bath, she says, "why ? I don't go anywhere what do I need a bath for!"

    she is starting to look really bedraggled and unkept and obviously this is my problem more than mums, as I don't want her to look like this. She was always fastidious about her cleanliness and her clothes and her home.

    We now have to tell her that she has a doctors or hospital appointment so that she will get in the bath, and then tell her that whilst she was in the bath, they have phoned and it has been cancelled. I do have a problem with lying to her but it seems to be the only way and I feel it is for her own good.

    Has anyone any other suggestions how to get her to bathe. :(
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    This is something we hit as well as Jan's condition worsened. She too had always been so fastidious, and it was a shock.

    I came to regard lying, in this context, to be a 'do-everything tool', rather than a bad thing.

    Your ruse of appointments/cancellations, if it works - then keep using it.

    The fact is, you may have reached the situation where you just cannot get Mum to keep herself clean. If she no longer realises she is not clean and dry, then you can't teach her anew. You have to find a way to cope.

    People often, in my view, mistakenly use the phrase "use it or lose it" for dementia people.

    This may work for someone who is quite normal, but who needs an activity to interest them.

    For someone with dementia it is not a practical reality, and I believe you just cannot teach new [or even old] things and hope they will stick.

    All I can suggest is to hone your lying skills, and see whether any help is available in the caring process....
  3. ludwig

    ludwig Registered User

    Feb 8, 2006
    we employ carers for certain periods during the day for my Mum which are paid for by me (POA) from her rapidly dwindling savings.
    You will have to pay VAT (dont start me off about that one!) but they are often experienced and will cost you about £9 an hour.
    The Social Services employ them for people for whom the state pays, so you can get hold of them via Social Services or Yellow Pages/Thomson and employ them privately if you want. We found that you have to be very careful and vet the carers but if you can afford it, perhaps from your Mums savings, you could get them perhaps one afternoon a week or so and get them to bath your mum or sort anything that is particularly tricky for you.
    It works well for us as after some hassle we have got two carers (one of whom is a qualified psychiatric nurse) that Mum seems to like (mostly!).
    If you get the right carer they will have the skills to talk to your Mum and the experience to achieve what you have briefed them as necessary. We try to use only two carers and both have now got good relationships with Mum, though she still maintains she doesnt need them.
    Just a thought from our experience which might help.
    Keep smiling,
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi Maggie, my Lionel would still be able to wash and clean himself etc, except for his severe mobility problems. Having decided to try to care for him a little longer at home we employ "carers".

    Yes we have to pay for them, and as you cannot hurry the bathing etc. we have them in for one and a half hours every morning. (Not a cheap option). but one I find is working well at present. (As well as evening carers))

    Agree with Bruce that you have to use any subterfuge to get them to accept.
    Lionel, at present, thinks it is because I have bad back that we need help.

    Take care Connie
  5. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Hi Maggier

    Well, it seems to be a common problem. My mum would simply not allow a 'stranger' to bathe her. I do it everyday for her but at times, when she is being particularly difficult, I tell her that we are all going out now and that we should get dressed. I do keep my promise and depending on the situation, drive her around, or take her to a restaurant or just to the local shop. But it certainly seems to be an incentive for her to agree to take a shower and get dressed. Since your mum is saying that she isn`t going anywhere, you might like to suggest that you are indeed going out and actually do it. Costs time and energy though, not to mention money :rolleyes:

    I suggest listening attentively to their justification for not doing something and then working on that - not always easy though.
  6. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    Hello. This has been a fairly recent problem of mine, firstly suspecting Mum wasn't bathing, then, as she became more and more unkempt and slightly 'whiffy', knowing that definitely she wasn't bathing -and the awful step of having to confront that. It has taken some time, but I now waltz in (she still lives alone), and with a completely benign expression (I hope!), I remind her that she had just told me she was going for a shower, so could she go now because I have a sweater of my own that needs washing, and how much easier if I could do hers at the same time. She can't remember what she has just said, so goes off to her shower. I then replace all her clothes and lay out fresh ones.But does she wash whilst she's in the shower? The 'whiff' tends to remain, though under more control now, and the next step is somehow to go into the shower room and remind her to wash, use shampoo etc -another big hurdle for me, and one I haven't yet found an answer for. I seem to be on the road to becoming a very good fibber! It has become necessary to tell these lies, because I don't know where we would be otherwise. I used to feel awful 'tricking' her, but now I see it's the kindest thing. And when she emerges from her shower, fresh (well, sort of!), with clean clothes, I know she feels so much better herself. She thinks it was all her own idea, and that she changed her own clothes!

    It must be slightly more urgent for you, given the incontinence, but I thought it may make you feel slightly easier to know that I tell big whoppers too.

    Good luck.
  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Lulu (& anyone else with similar situation)

    Is your Mum's shower room/bathroom also the loo? Could you 'introduce' the idea of you being in there with her by waiting until she's started & then pleading to come in 'cos you're desperate for a pee? If successful, "while I'm here, shall I soap your back for you?" (or whatever might work); or start chatting about something. Only works if she hasn't locked the door of course!
  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    #8 Norman, Feb 22, 2006
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2006
    Have you had a community care assessment?
    Have a look at this site

    If you request direct payments,see the site below
    I have just won a battle over assessments and now have in addition to funding my sitters we now have 14 hours of personal care funded,one hour am, one hour pm, times 7.
    Hope this info is useful
  9. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Woah, congratulations on a result, Norman!! How many years & postage stamps did that take!
  10. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    Since Christmas my husband has begun wetting himself occasionally. I assumed this was part of the dementia but, yesterday, at our regular (but generally pointless) meeting with the psychogeriatrician, I happened to mention it and she suggested I take him to the GP as he might have a urinary infection. As she said, it's easy to attribute all sorts of symptoms to the dementia.

    Of course, having made the appointment with the GP for next week, I have had to think of how to explain the problem to the doctor without my husband knowing, so as not to embarrass him and because he would deny any such problem existed! Have come up with a wheeze, which I won't bore everyone with, but fingers crossed for next Monday.

    I have tucked a spare pair of trousers in the boot of the car in case of accidents when we are out. Does anyone know of a waterproof mattress protector that won't make the bed too warm, as my husband can get quite hot sometimes in bed?

  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi Bets, was tempted to say "legs crossed for Monday", but my thoughts are with you. Argos do a 'waterproof mattress protector', my DIL used one when the girls were first coming out of nappies. Worth a try! Love Connie
  12. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    Hello Connie,

    Thank you for your kind thoughts and practical suggestion. I shall consult my Argos catalogue forthwith!


    PS Nice to see that lovely photo of you.
  13. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    Helping the pills go down.

    Hi every one, As anyone got any sugestions on how i can get my dad to take his tablets proberly. Mom seem's to think he is leaving his tablets in his mouth to in some way get back at her. I think he is having trouble swallowing them,even when he takes them with a drink. Mom gives them to him with his food,but her eyesight isn't very good now, and some of the tablets are very small and then she finds them by his plate or cup,but he has tried to swallow them. I've asked him if he is having trouble taking his tablets and he said yes. He is to ill now to even think about trying to decive her. Is this just part of how ill he now is with AD.He is still mobile,but unsteady on his feet and he has started to loss some weight. I'm concerned he might start missing tablets he needs everyday. :confused: Janet
  14. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    Ask if the medication is available in liquid form!
    My husband's co-ordination is so poor now that he is unable to take a tablet with a drink. The drops and liquid preparations are no problem.
  15. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    Thanks. I will ring Monday to see if they can change his tablets to liquid form for him. Every stage we go through is a learning one. Going to see mom and dad tomorow. Fogot to ring them today, Kids work and husbands ate up all my time.
    Not forgeting the rabbits and guinie pig to clean out. Thats my escuse because i feel guilty. Thanks again ;) Janet
  16. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Make the kids clean out the rabbits & guinea pig!! Tell them if they don't, you'll take them to Pet Rescue. :D
    You don't need anything extra, either to deal with or to feel guilty about.
  17. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I didn't know they took kids at Pet Rescue
  18. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    Let me know where i might send the whole family; With the weekend i've had with them all. Such is life. :D Janet :D
  19. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Janet - might I be so bold as to ask, how many husbands?!!! ;) No wonder you're sounding a little weary! :) Just kidding. {{hug}}
  20. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    Big Mistake

    One is enough for anyone!! ;) Janet ;)

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.