Keeping Clean and Maintaining Dignity

[Mike'sDaughter]

Dad lives alone and has carers daily for 30 minutes. The plan was that the carers would arrive at lunch time, put out clean clothes and ask Dad to have a shower and brush his teeth and put on the clean clothes while they are preparing his lunch. Dad refuses to shower or get changed, rarely eats his lunch so the only thing his carers do is make sure he takes his meds.

I have tried to encourage him to shower, brush his teeth and change his clothes but he asks, 'Why, do I smell?' Well Dad, frankly yes you do. The only thing he will allow us to do is shave him as he never does this either. He has dentures for his two front teeth which he has broken and refuses to get replaced and his teeth are very dirty so I would be reluctant to take him to the dentist even if he would go. He will only allow me to cut his hair which looks awful - I'm really not a hairdresser. His toe nails need cutting but I'm not sure that anyone would go anywhere near his feet.

Dad often asks me if he is caring for himself and keeping himself clean but if I say no he gets upset or cross.

How can I help Dad to clean up whilst maintaining his dignity?

 

[Witzend]

Very difficult, but this is a very common problem.

I was hopeless at getting my formerly fastidious mother to shower or change her clothes since I couldn't face the tears and tantrums.
However my sister, who lived much further away and visited a lot less often, was able to be a lot tougher - just wouldn't take no for an answer. It was a case of, 'Come on, you NEED a shower - you smell!' (She did.)

There would be tears and tantrums but they were soon forgotten and I'm sure she must have felt better afterwards.

When my FIL was living with us, he would only have a bath if dh was there to coax or jolly him into it, and dh was away an awful lot. He wouldn't do it for me, ever, and I couldn't insist or show any irritation since he was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages if the least bit upset or prevented from doing what he wanted.

However I did have a strategy for getting him to wear clean clothes. I would watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, have a clean set ready, zoom in and swop.them.
He never noticed, but then he'd never been bothered about clothes anyway. .

 

[Mike'sDaughter]

Perhaps I just want Dad to be the same smart, sweet smelling neat person he used to be..............?

 

[NatB123]

Hi Mike'sDaughter,

I really do not have any advice to give you but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am having similar problems with my Grandma. She used to be such a clean, proud, well presented lady and sometimes when I go around I cant help but stare at her.
She smells, looks dirty and her hair hangs off her like it has been in chip fat, never mind the fact her toenails are growing so long that they have started to curl under her toes. I could cry when I think about what this horrible disease has done to her.

All I can say is that once she has been in the shower (on the few occasions that I have managed to put up with the shouting, swearing, spitting and hitting and not given in) she has got out and said I feel so much better now I've washed my hair! I always really want to say I told you so, but realise that really wouldn't be appropriate

I'm hoping that someone may come along with some ideas to help the both of us

 

[PaddyJim]

Teeth Cleaning and

Hi Mike's Daughter

This is a common problem, and from my recollection one of the hardest things to come to terms with. My mum like your dad was always clean and immaculately presented. Before her illness she took immense pride in her appearance and particularly her teeth, she has all her own teeth and looked after them throughout her life. One of my earliest memories is going to the dentist with her. So you can imagine how upsetting it was to see her pay no attention to her appearance or even know she wasn't clean. We had to rely on the CH helpers as she wouldn't do anything for us at the end and didn't believe us when we suggested she have a bath or shower. Just keep doing your best.

Best wishes

PJ

 

[fizzie]

My ma went through a stage like this - used to take her clothes away at night and lay out clean ones for the morning in the same place!

Feet really really need to be tackled - can you get him to use a foot spa 'for fun' pretend you have just got a new one or something (you can get them for nothing on freecycle often - just post 'wanted foot spa'! If you don't he will become unable to walk because of the pain. Our day centre has a chiropodist who understands. Speaking of day centres - ours takes people for a day a week just to help with bathing and showering - worth a call to your day centre - they know how to help too

 

[Katrine]

My ma went through a stage like this - used to take her clothes away at night and lay out clean ones for the morning in the same place!

Feet really really need to be tackled - can you get him to use a foot spa 'for fun' pretend you have just got a new one or something (you can get them for nothing on freecycle often - just post 'wanted foot spa'! If you don't he will become unable to walk because of the pain. Our day centre has a chiropodist who understands. Speaking of day centres - ours takes people for a day a week just to help with bathing and showering - worth a call to your day centre - they know how to help too

I completely agree about feet, especially if toenails are curling under. The thicker they are the harder it is to get the shape back under control, not to mention the pain and infection when the nails dig into the pads of the toes.

My mother's podiatrist says he sometimes sees clients at home whose feet are so neglected and infected that it isn't safe for him to treat them. He refers them to a hospital clinic for minor surgery. If the person is too agitated and non-compliant to be treated under local anaesthetic, then they would require treatment under GA to prevent septicaemia.

Even in Scotland, where NHS services are generally better funded in my experience, routine podiatry is not offered. You can get free treatment if you don't look after your feet, but to maintain them in good order you have to pay. A worthwhile use of Attendance Allowance I suppose but I would personally prefer free podiatry for the over-70s than free prescriptions for everyone. Did you know that if you're in Scotland on holiday your prescriptions are free, and the costs are not claimed from your home GP practice as they used to be?
Rant over.

And apologies to the OP. I don't mean to scare you. It's just that feet can become a big problem without us realising it. My poor MIL's toenails got so bad that she started walking like a bandy-legged sailor, and this caused her to fall more frequently.

 

[Witzend]

Perhaps I just want Dad to be the same smart, sweet smelling neat person he used to be..............?

Oh, how I know the feeling.

It was so hard to reconcile a mother wearing a dirty jumper, who didn't want to change it, whose hair badly needed washing, with the person who wouldn't wear 'frumpy, old-lady clothes' even when she was over 80.
However I could still do something there - I still wouldn't buy her anything really frumpy old-lady-ish even when she was in her 90s and well into later stages. It became increasingly hard to find such things that were both suitable and machine washable and tumble dry-able though.

 

[Pear trees]

Could you use wet bathwipes or shampoo caps for a quick freshen up? We use them when mum absolutely refuses a wash or shower, and sometimes used to 'spill' tea down her clothes so we had to change them.I bought jumpers and trousers in similar colours and did quick swaps.
My SIL showers her every week and ignores any protests and is very firm. Mum will not allow her carers to wash her or change her clothes, only change pads. She also needs her hair and nails cut but will not let anybody do it.

 

[LadyA]

Pear Trees suggestion is a good one - an accidental spillage of something "Oh, dad, I'm so sorry! Let's get you out of those wet things." - have the bathroom extra warm, everything to hand, including bath-in-bed wipes and no rinse shampoo in case the shower is still refused - take him to the bathroom to change the wet clothes, and you might get away with it.

As for the dentist, believe me, they've been there, done that! Quite early in his illness, my husband needed to see his dentist - but I had to phone and explain that William was quite convinced, because of his illness, that he had had a huge row with the dentist, and the dentist had shouted at him and told him never to go back, that he never wanted to see him again! The dentist was astonished - he and William had always got on very well! He said he had probably said, last time he had seen William "Now, I don't need to see you again for six months." It was arranged that William would see a different partner in the firm.

 

[Chemmy]

I was horrified at the state of my MIL's toenails. None of us had any reason to see them as she lived alone and tbh, I never even gave it any thought.

However, the second time she was hospitalised after a couple of falls (and I wonder how much they contributed to those), I wheeled her down to see the chiropodist in the cottage hospital.

They were horrible, curling under her toes like parrot talons. She was so grateful to him for getting them cut.

 

[Peirre]

I've just had a similar battle of whits this morning, dad had clearly wet himself and is in need of a shower and a change of clothes. Despite my usual tactics of catching him before he's fully dressed he was having non of it. He'd also got it in his head that someone was coming to visit to discuss funeral arrangements for my mother (who passed away 14yrs ago). He's also preoccupied with wanting to go shopping etc etc.
So ATM I've backed off and let him sit downstairs in his favourite chair and eat his breakfast while I get out the wetvac and clean & freshen his bedroom carpet again because it seems he is using the carpet to urinate on in the night despite there being both a commode and a urine bottle next to the bed. Hopefully as soon as he's calmed down I can attempt to get him to shower

 

[HillyBilly]

I've just had a similar battle of whits this morning, dad had clearly wet himself and is in need of a shower and a change of clothes. Despite my usual tactics of catching him before he's fully dressed he was having non of it. He'd also got it in his head that someone was coming to visit to discuss funeral arrangements for my mother (who passed away 14yrs ago). He's also preoccupied with wanting to go shopping etc etc.
So ATM I've backed off and let him sit downstairs in his favourite chair and eat his breakfast while I get out the wetvac and clean & freshen his bedroom carpet again because it seems he is using the carpet to urinate on in the night despite there being both a commode and a urine bottle next to the bed. Hopefully as soon as he's calmed down I can attempt to get him to shower

Poor you. Good luck.

 

[Bod]

Dad lives alone and has carers daily for 30 minutes. The plan was that the carers would arrive at lunch time, put out clean clothes and ask Dad to have a shower and brush his teeth and put on the clean clothes while they are preparing his lunch. Dad refuses to shower or get changed, rarely eats his lunch so the only thing his carers do is make sure he takes his meds.

I have tried to encourage him to shower, brush his teeth and change his clothes but he asks, 'Why, do I smell?' Well Dad, frankly yes you do. The only thing he will allow us to do is shave him as he never does this either. He has dentures for his two front teeth which he has broken and refuses to get replaced and his teeth are very dirty so I would be reluctant to take him to the dentist even if he would go. He will only allow me to cut his hair which looks awful - I'm really not a hairdresser. His toe nails need cutting but I'm not sure that anyone would go anywhere near his feet.

Dad often asks me if he is caring for himself and keeping himself clean but if I say no he gets upset or cross.

How can I help Dad to clean up whilst maintaining his dignity?

Blunt honest truth.
Yes, he will get upset, just walk away, don't enter into any form of argument/discussion.
Then be crafty, "spill" tea/squash down his clothes, did he have a regular barber? Could that barber be asked to do a house call?


Bod