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Skitty

New member
Mar 9, 2018
5
My father is struggling after we had to put my mother in a care home since July. He visits everyday and spends around 4 hours with her and is there to feed her lunch. He feels no one will feed her if he didn’t. My mother will walk and walk looking for him and she is very unsettled. It has been suggested for him to visit less. This breaks his heart and I’m worried it would make my mother worse. Any ideas anyone please to do what’s best for both of them? X
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,073
Nottinghamshire
Hello @Skitty

I expect it’s been suggested that your dad visits less often in the hope that this will encourage your mum to form relationships with the staff and others who live in the home. At the moment she is living for your dad’s visits and not settling because she knows he will be there soon. I know it will be really difficult for your dad but he could still phone the home everyday and check your mum’s ok. If this helps your mum to settle it would be better for both of them.

I can’t imagine that no-one will feed her if he isn’t there but if you’re worried is there any chance that you could visit and observe what goes on during mealtimes. I know in my dad’s carehome people were encouraged to eat and fed if they couldn’t feed themselves.
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
522
Hi @Skitty
This must be so difficult for your poor Dad. it will be as hard for him relinquishing responsibility for your Mum's care as your Mum's confusion at him not being there for her. He is compensating by visiting her so frequently. As @Bunpoots has already said, his frequent visits will not help your Mum to settle and gain trust in the CH staff.

With hindsight, I know that I over visited when Mum first went into her CH. The tell tale signs were that Mum continued to ask me to do things for her, or would wait until I arrived to do things.It was most weird as she could not remember my visits and thought I never went to see her, but somehow she expected me to be there. Initially, this held her back in terms of building relationships with staff, until I settled down, realised that conversely I was not helping her, and eased up a little on the visits. My Eureka moment was when I was unwell and frantic that I was unable to visit her. I realised then that she was expecting and relying upon my visits and it was unkind and unrealistic to let her have this expectation, when there were times (like illness and holidays ) when I simply could not be there. I could not explain this to her or reason with her, so I had to 'mix it up' a bit and miss the odd visit, only pop in for half and hour ... etc She found it a bit upsetting at first, but thankfully got more involved with the communal activities and I relaxed a bit.

As for feeding, my Mum now needs feeding at most meals - she may have to wait a few minutes before a Carer is free and she gets her food, but she never gets forgotten. I prefer this to taking on the responsibility myself for some meals, for similar reasons to the visiting scenario. If the Carers thought I was taking responsibility for feeding Mum, she would be 'off their radar' at meal times. If at any time I could not be there, by the time that had registered, she may have been forgotten until much later during the meal. However, if they know it is a Carer's responsibility to feed her at every meal, it will be the status quo and a Carer will be ready to help her each and every time, as it will be built into her Care Plan.

Settling in is so difficult - I hope that you can persuade your Dad to ease off a little and that your Mum builds some relationships with staff and other residents.
X
 

Skitty

New member
Mar 9, 2018
5
Hello @Skitty

I expect it’s been suggested that your dad visits less often in the hope that this will encourage your mum to form relationships with the staff and others who live in the home. At the moment she is living for your dad’s visits and not settling because she knows he will be there soon. I know it will be really difficult for your dad but he could still phone the home everyday and check your mum’s ok. If this helps your mum to settle it would be better for both of them.

I can’t imagine that no-one will feed her if he isn’t there but if you’re worried is there any chance that you could visit and observe what goes on during mealtimes. I know in my dad’s carehome people were encouraged to eat and fed if they couldn’t feed themselves.
Thank you so much for your comment.
Hi @Skitty
This must be so difficult for your poor Dad. it will be as hard for him relinquishing responsibility for your Mum's care as your Mum's confusion at him not being there for her. He is compensating by visiting her so frequently. As @Bunpoots has already said, his frequent visits will not help your Mum to settle and gain trust in the CH staff.

With hindsight, I know that I over visited when Mum first went into her CH. The tell tale signs were that Mum continued to ask me to do things for her, or would wait until I arrived to do things.It was most weird as she could not remember my visits and thought I never went to see her, but somehow she expected me to be there. Initially, this held her back in terms of building relationships with staff, until I settled down, realised that conversely I was not helping her, and eased up a little on the visits. My Eureka moment was when I was unwell and frantic that I was unable to visit her. I realised then that she was expecting and relying upon my visits and it was unkind and unrealistic to let her have this expectation, when there were times (like illness and holidays ) when I simply could not be there. I could not explain this to her or reason with her, so I had to 'mix it up' a bit and miss the odd visit, only pop in for half and hour ... etc She found it a bit upsetting at first, but thankfully got more involved with the communal activities and I relaxed a bit.

As for feeding, my Mum now needs feeding at most meals - she may have to wait a few minutes before a Carer is free and she gets her food, but she never gets forgotten. I prefer this to taking on the responsibility myself for some meals, for similar reasons to the visiting scenario. If the Carers thought I was taking responsibility for feeding Mum, she would be 'off their radar' at meal times. If at any time I could not be there, by the time that had registered, she may have been forgotten until much later during the meal. However, if they know it is a Carer's responsibility to feed her at every meal, it will be the status quo and a Carer will be ready to help her each and every time, as it will be built into her Care Plan.

Settling in is so difficult - I hope that you can persuade your Dad to ease off a little and that your Mum builds some relationships with staff and other residents.
X
 

Skitty

New member
Mar 9, 2018
5
Hi @Skitty
This must be so difficult for your poor Dad. it will be as hard for him relinquishing responsibility for your Mum's care as your Mum's confusion at him not being there for her. He is compensating by visiting her so frequently. As @Bunpoots has already said, his frequent visits will not help your Mum to settle and gain trust in the CH staff.

With hindsight, I know that I over visited when Mum first went into her CH. The tell tale signs were that Mum continued to ask me to do things for her, or would wait until I arrived to do things.It was most weird as she could not remember my visits and thought I never went to see her, but somehow she expected me to be there. Initially, this held her back in terms of building relationships with staff, until I settled down, realised that conversely I was not helping her, and eased up a little on the visits. My Eureka moment was when I was unwell and frantic that I was unable to visit her. I realised then that she was expecting and relying upon my visits and it was unkind and unrealistic to let her have this expectation, when there were times (like illness and holidays ) when I simply could not be there. I could not explain this to her or reason with her, so I had to 'mix it up' a bit and miss the odd visit, only pop in for half and hour ... etc She found it a bit upsetting at first, but thankfully got more involved with the communal activities and I relaxed a bit.

As for feeding, my Mum now needs feeding at most meals - she may have to wait a few minutes before a Carer is free and she gets her food, but she never gets forgotten. I prefer this to taking on the responsibility myself for some meals, for similar reasons to the visiting scenario. If the Carers thought I was taking responsibility for feeding Mum, she would be 'off their radar' at meal times. If at any time I could not be there, by the time that had registered, she may have been forgotten until much later during the meal. However, if they know it is a Carer's responsibility to feed her at every meal, it will be the status quo and a Carer will be ready to help her each and every time, as it will be built into her Care Plan.

Settling in is so difficult - I hope that you can persuade your Dad to ease off a little and that your Mum builds some relationships with staff and other residents.
X
I was ill back in October for 2 weeks and my Mum forgot me in that time but my Dad drags himself there even when is not feeling 100%.
 

Janedotgriff

Registered User
Aug 23, 2012
9
My father is struggling after we had to put my mother in a care home since July. He visits everyday and spends around 4 hours with her and is there to feed her lunch. He feels no one will feed her if he didn’t. My mother will walk and walk looking for him and she is very unsettled. It has been suggested for him to visit less. This breaks his heart and I’m worried it would make my mother worse. Any ideas anyone please to do what’s best for both of them? X
Visit - Visit - Visit - in my opinion sadly my mum had similar and it was far too quickly that she stopped asking . I am not an expert but involved with a parent in a care home. There is so little left, so quickly, I think your dad needs to do what he thinks is right and the care home should hopefully support and work with him. Don't ever regret not being there xx
 

sausagedog

Registered User
Aug 22, 2019
65
Perhaps your dad could ease off the visits by going maybe every 2-3 days and keep the visits much shorter?...it will probably help your mum & enable her to settle ....I am sure the home would oversee mealtimes with your mum - you can always ask how it’s going on that front with the home and mention any concerns or worries you have. Hope things smooth out soon for you all