Just when I'd found my resolve ...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Tender Face, Apr 23, 2008.

  1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    ... it's gone again :(

    Mum looks shocking, has a throat infection (GP is assuming it's no more than that at the moment but will review in a week) and now can't nudge the scales past the six stone mark. Mentally she has been 'flying' - but physically she looks - well .... all sorts of alarm bells are going off. Just when I had come to some sense of resolution about the situation and preparing to manage for a 'long haul' .... I am afraid the flight plans might have changed.

    Just feeling gutted and frightened I guess - as well as totally stupid that I had forgotten to expect the unexpected.

    Sorry. Thanks for listening. Karen, x
  2. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Hello Karen

    So sorry to hear about your mum ... the weight loss is awful, isn't it? (My mum has same problem). Perhaps the weight loss is somehow connected to the throat infection. If it's been plaguing her, she might not have felt like (or been able?) to eat a lot. I hope after the review with the GP things are looking a bit better.

    Losing your resolve when faced with this vile disease is par for the course I'm afraid. But, you've done (and continue to do) a great job for your mum so pick up your resolve and don't change the flight plan yet.

    (Alternatively, you could drink Resolve a well known hangover cure, but try having a vino or two beforehand ... otherwise it's totally pointless:)

    Take care and offload anytime. "Gutted, frightened and totally stupid" - we all experience it - keep your chin up.

  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    #3 Skye, Apr 23, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2008
    Hi Karen

    No advice, that's the last thing you need!

    Just sympathy, and huge hugs. I hope your mum's infection proves to be quickly resolved, though the weight loss sounds serious.

    Have you tried Fortisip, Fortijuice, etc?

  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hello Karen, so sorry to read of mum's present setback. Sincerly hope she improves soon.

    I think the words "expect the unexpected" sum up the vagaries of this illness. Take care of yourself.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Karen.

    Oh dear. As you say, just when you thought you had it sorted. :(

    Is this weight loss sudden or has it been gradual? I know you make sure she has food in, but does she remember to eat it? Have you looked in her bins?

    We used to take my mother a cooked meal every evening. If she wasn`t particularly hungry she would promise to heat it in the microwave and eat it later. But we were never sure she did. I now realize it might have been overfacing.

    Sorry if you have already thought this one out.

    As for the unexpected........we can never be prepared for it.

    Take care. You`ve done so well for your mother.

    Love xx
  6. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    Hello Karen

    Of course you are worried. However, I think when any of us are ill with infections, it makes us look awful and our loves ones worry about us!! I know I've looked 20 years older on the occasions I've been ill and then not serious illness just infections and stuff.

    So, hopefully, your mum will get the infection cleared up and that she'll pick up.

    Sending love and best wishes Karen

  7. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    Hi Karen

    Sorry things are so terrible for you and your mum at this time.
    Hope things improve soon.

    Lots of good wishes and big hugs.

  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Karen,
    Yes, this is a beast of a disease. "Expect the unexpected" - that's an oxymoron, isn't it? How can we?

    You've always been fighting, my little rabbit. Now it's time for you to take a deep breath. I'm sure your mother is not ready yet.

    Love and big hugs,
  9. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Guilt factors - let me count the ways ...

    Thanks all, however ...... I am just sat here consumed with guilt .......

    I should be there with her tonight (excuse ... my son is in a critical time at school with SATs and subsequent options for his own future - I don't want to freak him out knowing how concerned I am about his grandma and suddenly deciding I need to sleep over - he knows nothing about today - he will know anything on a needs know basis if and when I need to tell him) .....

    I should have realised how low her weight had dropped (excuse .... a) it has taken some years to get used to my 13 stone mother only ever being 7/8 stone ... b) she wears big cardies even with heating on full blast .... c) when you see them every day (almost) you don't notice the changes ) ....

    I should have realised from the amount of food I have 'plated up' and taken down and subsequently removed again barely touched or untouched that she really wasn't eating properly (excuse - I know she goes to corner shop occasionally and buys things herself so I assumed she was filling up on other things)

    I should have known when I made a phone 'prompt' to remind her about eating and she declared 'Oh I'm just having it now' that she was fibbing (excuse - I was taught "Always trust your mother")

    I should have realised when she declares 'That's so nice I'm saving the rest for later' (only later never comes of course) that what she meant was two mouthfuls were enough for her .... (excuse - I was stupid enough to believe her)

    I should have recognised this is similar to previous patterns when it was the 'C' word, not the 'A' word that blighted her life and have alarm bells go off earlier ... (excuse - I am in denial on that score too) ..

    I should have called the GP first thing Monday morning - even before any infection was evident - after suggesting to mum only at weekend when she looked 'grotty' that it was time for a general check up (excuse - I have had work to attend to and sundry other matters like my son's schooling) ....

    I should have been more insistent about her having carers in for her own good if it was just to make sure she ate what I provided when I can't be there at 'mealtimes' ..... (excuse ... I've been foolish trying to go along with her wishes when I know both she (and me) have really needed more practical support ..... I am still not able to 'stand up' to my mother)

    I should have been in bed a couple of hours ago (did try but it was pointless) ... (excuse ... sat here wishing I was there .... but needing to be here ... too anxious about what might await me in the morning to settle) .......

    I should stop beating myself up, I know, but my lame excuses are no competition for the guilt monster. I have tried, (can hear my dad still telling me 'always to try my best') but it's rotten thinking I have tried so hard and even on that score, feeling such a failure.

    Sorry, folks, just having a bad (dreadful) day ..... Karen, x
  10. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    Devon, England
    You certainly are having a bad day/night. I hope, in fact, that you're not reading this now (nearly 1.20 am) as it sounds like you could do with a good nights sleep.
    I fully understand the guilt trip. Mine is that now mum is ill I can somehow get to see her about every 6 weeks whereas before I only saw her 2-3 times a year!! It took me quite a while to notice the weight loss too. When I did see her I would get a bit irritated by her obsession with only wanting a 'small portion' because 'I don't seem to want to eat as much as I used to'. Of course she insists she ALWAYS has her evening meal. But how can I tell - she's a 3 hour journey away.
    You sound like you're doing a fantastic job so don't beat yourself up too much. It's really hard when you're pulled in two directions as you have your own family's needs to see to. I'm lucky that my 2 boys are a bit older than yours. The eldest is doing AS levels this year and the other has end of year exams at present. Perhaps the fact that they haven't seen that much of their nan over the past few years is a help as she is a more remote figure. They used to complain that she just said the same things to them when they spoke on the phone and she'd never let them get a word in. Now they are aware that is part of the disease.
    Now its gone 1.30 so I think I ought to get to bed as my alarm will be going off at 6.15! Anything before midnight is an early night for me and this seems to be the only time I get to myself to do what I want.
    Goodnight, sleep tight and my very best wishes to you. Tomorrow is another day and I think it really is a case of one day at a time. Blimey, I'm turning into cliche woman!!
  11. ishard

    ishard Registered User

    Jul 10, 2007
    Tenderface and ChrisH hindsite gives us great 20 20 vision, always! Please dont beat yourselves up as we are all human and have busy lives. :) We all do our best in every circumstance.

    Some of the things you have both said about eating I too have just realised my mums is saying/doing????
    I think Ill weigh her tomorrow and keep an eye on her weight and eating patterns.


  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Karen, you shouldn`t have been able to do any of the things you are riddled with guilt about.

    You should not feel guilty about not sleeping at her house. This is not a temporary situation, it is ongoing and one night won`t make it better.

    You should not feel guilty about not noticing her second weight loss as it would not have been as dramatic as her first. And she camouflaged it.

    You cannot force feed your mother.

    You can be forgiven for not having hindsight. I don`t suppose your mother has been particularly glowing with health lately, she has dementia and is deteriorating.

    You cannot force care onto her if she won`t accept it.

    Karen you have tried your best and your best has to be good enough. None of it is your mother`s fault, but it`s not your fault either.

    Love xx
  13. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006

    Sorry things are so bad for you.

    We will talk soon...

    Love and hugs mate.

    Maz Vav

  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Karen, I take issue with your use of the word 'excuse'.

    They are not excuses, they are reasons, and very valid reasons at that.

    Much of the distress you are feeling just now is because for as long as I have known you you have battled to preserve your mum's independence and self-esteeem. If in the course of that she has managed to pull the wool over your eyes a few times, is not that her exercising that independence?

    You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

    Perhaps the time has now come to rethink the independence/safety equation, but I know that when you do, your mum's well-being will be your prime concern.

    Love and hugs,
  15. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    I dont know how many times we all have to tell you that you too have a life as does your husband and your son

    YOU HAVE NOTHING to be guilty about

    YOU HAVE DONE ALL THAT YOU CAN for your Mother

    Mine was little different .........lies are the name of the game be it VD or AD or C
  16. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    Hello Karen

    I hope you don't mind me saying something a little different. I hear that you do feel guilty. You shouldn't BUT YOU DO!! So how are you going to deal with such guilt feelings? Sometimes the guilt stays around unless tackled and there are differing ways of tackling it.

    Some people try capturing the thoughts instead of feeding them.

    Some people just learn that "good enough" is really "good enough" and one doesn't have to be perfect.

    I'm sure other folk on TP will have ideas of how to tackle the beast. I have a guilt complex so I have to tackle the beast regularly but I do tackle it and it helps me to capture the thoughts and not feed them. That means as soon as I have a thought about being guilty, I let it go immediately. Of course that's if I've previously explored whether there is something I need to change or deal with because I am guilty of negligence. If there's nothing I can do, or nothing I'm going to do, then I just let go.

    I hope you find your own way of tackling the beast because it is a beast and needs fighting off.

    Love Helen
  17. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    I can't thank you all enough ... I am somewhere still between angry and weepy ........ it's been an extraordinary day of highs and lows .... trying to get hold of CPNs, snarling at chemists (whole tale behind that I won't bore you with!!!) .... on first name terms now with every receptionist in GP practice ..... (must remember to buy box of choccies for them tomorrow!) ...... Mum finally has her 'Fortisips' ... managed to do some 'clearing out' and persuade her certain clothes really did need to go thru the washer ;) - my wonderful boss assured me to take what time it needs to sort things out and we'll worry about leave later ...... coaxed mum into two spoonfuls of soup, two bites of a prawn 'sarnie' and same of stewed apple and cream over the course of several hours ...... somehow she swallowed the huge anti-biotic capsules ..... (why didn't I think to ask or doc prescribe liquid?) .......

    In what is a pretty horrid time - it has actually been quite a remarkable day - I never usually get to spend so much time with mum in one particular day ...(how sad it has taken this infection to precure that?) .... and whilst I was scared at a lot of 'observations' - we have actually laughed together ..... (I think mum wants to be a Loose Woman!!!!!! :rolleyes: ..for anyone who watches that!!! She even recognised there was something a bit risque about it all ......it was so sad - one minute I was just watching her dozing in her chair ... the next she was raising her eyebrows and laughing ...... ) Somehow even wading through her wardrobes turned into a hoot ..... realising her weight loss and the 'glam' she once was to where she is now ..... but hugging that tiny frame was precious today ....

    Then I came home and rang St Sis. (Mum's sister-once-in-a-blue-moon visitor with whom I have a mutual agreement for reasons not appropriate to disclose here that we avoid each other like the plague). I felt it was right she was made aware just how ill mum is at the moment (although we are hoping this is temporary of course). She mentioned she had been thinking of getting the bus to Manchester if mum could meet her there at which point - every drop of guilt oozed from my body!!!!!!! :eek: "You really think mum is capable of getting a bus into the city centre and meeting someone? Do you realise how long it is since she was capable of doing that?" I start to realise that I am maybe not so bad after all .... this is mum's next next-of-kin if I were to walk away ....... what chance would she have in her care?

    Ten minutes later, St Sis is back on phone having arranged a 'lift' to see mum directly - that's guilt for you, methinks ... so I have been a big brave girl and told her not to come .....:) if she can't be bothered any other time don't wait for me to prompt her .... :mad:

    Now I'm guilty of having lost an opportunity for mum to see her sister ..... (loyalty is one-way traffic between them) ... but she isn't going to know what meds mum needs tomorrow or sort out her daycare or anything else either is she? What's HER excuse?

    Sorry, total ramble, Karen, x
  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    But what a good ramble, Karen!:)

    Glad you've had such a lovely day with your mum. I reckon you'd make a great loose woman, and it sounds as if your mum would too. We watched it regularly when John was at home, never see it now, I'm always visiting.

    Well doen for sorting out St. Sis too. I remember your stress over her visits before -- haven't you come a long way, telling her not to bother. Well done!:):):)

  19. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hiya Kaz

    What an awful couple of days you have had. Im really sorry chuck that mum is poorly, and Im sure a few days on the horse pills will soon have her on the mend.

    Apart from sending you a massive hug, there is a biff coming your way too. Guilty, guilty of what may I ask. You have put everything in place to ensure mum has as good a quality of life as possible. You meet yourself coming backwards in all that you do for her. You are one fantastic wife and mother, so behave yourself, give yourself a massive pat on the back, you are doing just fine honey.

    You are also getting ahead of yourself here Kaz, I read between the lines that you are frightened to death that somthing far more serious is going on with mum. You know I am the master of worry, so I do know where you are coming from, but deep breath honey, take each day as it comes, and start to worry IF there is something to worry about.

    As you so wisely and often say to me, you have to look after yourself too, if you make yourself ill, then what!!

    You are not on your own in this, you know where I am, and Im here for you anytime.

    Tons of love
    PS We must have a word with these mothers of ours, between us, we need just one worry at a time hey. xxxxxx
  20. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Well she has bothered!!!! St Sis that is .....and I am shaking with rage after our conversation last night .... she knows I won't be under the same roof as her let alone in the same room ... I know, I know I should try to put old family issues aside for my mum's sake - but this goes too deep to ever do that.... how do others cope?

    Sorry, but I don't need this to struggle with as well - much as I moan about how rarely she visits and bothers about her sister, quite frankly it suits me .... as soon as SHE is on the scene I need to be peeled off the ceiling ...... I know she has every right to see her sister - even if it is only when the whim takes her - but we have had a mutual understanding over the years that I am forewarned so as to avoid her ..... to pull a stunt like this, this morning has just rocked me ......

    Karen, x

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