Just when I think things are going well!

[Jackie B]

I've browsed through these pages before but this is the first time I have posted anything. Mum's not been well since Aug 03, she's 70 now. The Alzheimers Society were the first people to really listen to me and give me constructive ideas and help. Thank you so much!

I'm really down tonight because yesterday Mum reacted aggressively (swearing ,raising her voice, trying to kick my hubby) to my husband over a trivial matter ( trivial to us that is). He has been a real rock to me, patient always with Mum, running round after her and comforting me when things get too much. I know Mum can't be reasoned with when she gets cross but for that instant he couldn't and I had to step in.

My children ( 8 and 10) were there, my eldest sobbing, I tried real hard to comfort him, calm Mum down and ensure my husband was Ok. To make a long story short Mum has I think forgotten the incident, we of course haven't. I know these incidents will probably just get more frequent, I'm just so sad. Mum knows she isn't behaving as she would want to and just wants to alienate herself from everyone........she won't get rid of me but boy it's so hard.

 

[KarenC]

Hi Jackie,

That sounds like a horrible scene. It must be especially tough with young children who really cannot understand why their grandmom is attacking other family members.

I've been lucky that I have not been present at any of my mom's "tantrums," since she has been in an assisted living and now in an Alzheimer's home as her dementia developed. It's not as difficult hearing about it second hand from the staff, as seeing and having to cope with it directly.

Best wishes,
Karen

 

[Sheila]

Hi Jackie, I can remember a similar happening, my husband was in the kitchen making a cup of tea to try and stop Mum wanting to go out, she was sundowning. I was on the phone to our daughter I think. Any way, she hit and punched him, shouted and carried on. As you say, she soon forgot it, but we didn't. Thing was though, like yours, my husband didn't hold it against her, and he was so good with her it made me angry to think she had done that to him. I dare say you feel much the same. It is so hard this caring lark, when you are trying to keep a family life going as well, it is nigh impossible some days. All you can do is your best, if it gets too much, then you must think of his and your childrens needs. If your Mum could, I am sure she would tell you this too. Your husband and you can talk things through, but children, it's not so easy, although having said that, if your Mum has always been close to them, they will do their best to help and understand I am sure. My own kids did and our neices who were six and ten. Much of the time they were better with her than us adults. Is your Mum on any medication to help with these outbursts, It might help, or have a talk with her medical advisers. You are doing a good job Jackie, your husband must love you very much to help the way he does. I hope things improve soon, love She. XX

 

[Jackie B]

Thanks Sheila and Karen,
Mum is on Aricept and antidepressants, I think the Aricept has made a big difference to her. We've had about 4 months of Mum being happier and more accepting of help.

The kids seem Ok, I often ask if they want to know anything and ensure they know we can always talk about what is happening to Mum. They do love her and are very patient answering questions numerous times and trying to play games with her.

I know my husband is worried about what happened, he has said that now he knows we definately can't have her live with us. Perhaps that's what adds so much to my sadness. This was unusual behaviour for her and unusual for my husband too.
Jackie

 

[TED]

Good morning

Have to say I am sorry to hear of this episode and also that it sounds rather familar. You must have the constitution of a giant to cope with all the different pulls on your time, with Mum, Hubby Kids etc, I am lucky that when things go off with Mum and Dad I can step in and help without bothering about myself or anyone else.

Last night arrived to find both of them in tears, still dont know what happened before I turned up but thankfully the rest of the even ing passed ok, that is something that I find hard to deal with most, the switching on and off of emotions cos I spent most of last night trying to keep it together for the sake of my mum and then I have to face coming into work this morning wondering if they are going to be ok today (and the thing is I know they will not even remember last night and so will have a fab day .... so I do all the remembering for them ....)

Anyway, do hope that today is a much more enjoyable day for you and yours.
Try not to dwell on whats happened like I do, I cant think what to say to help explain it to your children but I am sure that there are people here in similar situations that will have some helpful advice.

all the best
TED

 

[Jackie B]

Hi Ted,

Thanks for your kind words. I have had a much better day today. Mum appears to have completely forgotten what happened. I took her to my Aunties house for lunch and a good natter, she loves to hear people talk.

I showed my husband this site, he agrees how good it is to have people all over the place willing to share their experiences and understanding.

Hope your Mum and Dad are happy this evening and that the weekend is relaxing for you.

Phew I can breathe again now and feel much better,

Cheers
Jackie

 

[Jude]

Dear Jackie,

Violence, abuse and aggression is so hard to deal with.

Both my parents have AD. I recall the first instance of violence from my father and it really shocked me. He was always such a mild mannered chap. My mother has also had moments of abusive language that have amazed me because she is generally so sweet and loving.

You really need to hold on to the thought that it is the AD doing these things - not your Mother. It can be hard to do so sometimes, especially when children witness these types of behaviours.

The problem is that the whole thing is so unpredictable as well and you never know when it's going to happen. Fortunately in the main, I've found that these situations have been very rare. However, if you feel that the aggression is becoming more frequent, then perhaps a chat with your GP may be beneficial. He might be able to suggest some calming drugs that you could administer in times of dire need. I had a supply of tablets from our GP that I used to give my father on the very infrequent occasions that he became very irrational and agitated. It was only a couple of times during the year, but it did help to keep things peaceful and non violent.

Best wishes,

Jude

 

[KarenC]

Last night arrived to find both of them in tears, still dont know what happened before I turned up but thankfully the rest of the even ing passed ok, that is something that I find hard to deal with most, the switching on and off of emotions cos I spent most of last night trying to keep it together for the sake of my mum and then I have to face coming into work this morning wondering if they are going to be ok today (and the thing is I know they will not even remember last night and so will have a fab day .... so I do all the remembering for them ....)

That sounds familiar from when my dad was going through a period of a lot of depression. He does not have dementia (well, his memory is not good anymore but it is not the real out-of-it kind of dementia my mom has) but when his physical health deteriorated badly and he was on the border between assisted living and nursing home care, it was understandably very frustrating and frightening for him.

He'd call maybe at 6:30 in the morning (just before I'd leave for work) to say what terrible shape he was in, etc. That would get me all upset for the day, worrying about him. Then maybe next time I'd talk to him he would have forgotten all about it and be more-or-less OK.

Much as I'd tell myself it was pointless to let my mood be ruled by the latest mood from either parent, I couldn't avoid feeling that way. If the last I heard from either of them was upset, I'd be upset until I talked to them again, even though their bad mood may have blown over much sooner.

Karen

 

[Jackie B]

Ted and Karen,

I agree , there is this rollercoaster ride going on ; I can feel completely down, worried, negative, concerned etc about Mum, following an incident, then she phones or I see her and she is as bright as a button.

It really is hard on the old emotions isn't it. My husband always says to me " sleep on it, she will be fine tommorow" He's normally right.

Jackie

 

[Norman]

I can understand how you all feel on receiving a parents downside story.
I think I am battle hardened now,for although at times I feel suicidal,right on the edge as they say,I manage to contain my feelings from the Sons.
Over 7 years there have only been 3 occasions when I have blown up,and no good came of it.
I got a question in answer,"What can we do Dad?
I have learned that useally the despe ration passes and the next day is better.
So,I will hang in there until such time that all is hopeless,and then something will have to be sorted.
Norman

 

[Jackie B]

Hi Norman,

Thanks for your post. I have to say that although I feel up and down I have not ever considered suicide. My Mum however threatens it often, this I find unbearable, however I think what she really means is to make me understand the depth of her despair, that she really can't get any unhappier at these moments. All I can then do is be with her, talk, listen then slowly introduce good memories. Most of the time this works.

I am sorry you sometimes feel that down. You are however being thought of, as are the rest of the careres on this site, it's good to know other people take the time to listen and understand.

Love Jackie

 

[Brucie]

I'm with Norman. I considered long and hard about my means of exit and darn near took it.

Only an unexpected angel [not in the religious sense] and a concrete reason to start to build a new life led to my being here today.

 

[KarenC]

... suicide. My Mum however threatens it often, this I find unbearable, however I think what she really means is to make me understand the depth of her despair, that she really can't get any unhappier at these moments....

Jackie,

My father (who has poor memory and is on Aricept but does not have the out-of-touch-with-reality kind of dementia my mother does) went through a period of great depression when his physical health was failing. He was depressed and angry and talked about suicide. Over here it is not easy to get lethal drugs, and my dad would say "If you really loved me you would find a way for me to commit suicide." This was horrible. It is also the case over here, by the way, that since assisted suicide is illegal, I couldn't talk about my feelings much with a counselor, because he would have to report anything that sounded like seriously considering this illegal action.

My husband recognized better than I did that a lot of what my dad was feeling was anger, and not a true wish to be dead. And my dad came through that period. He is now entirely wheelchair bound, and is in a sense just sitting around the nursing home waiting to die, but he is waiting with some degree of patience and acceptance of his condition.

I can sympathize with you Jackie, as to how painful it is to deal with a parent being so distressed.

Karen

 

[TED]

My experience is that I have contemplated leaving them all (both going away and hiding and also taking my own life) but this has usually been as a result of a bad day and times when I am low. There is more going on with me than just how I feel about mum and dad, and on occasions when Mum has spoken to me about how I help out and not to worry about things she is the one who turns me around and stops me from doing anything stupid. (not that I believe I ever would go through with it ... but it does cross my mind when everything gets too much)

Find something to smile at, even if it makes you feel silly, adopt a cow or something well it works for me....

Hope you are all feeling on top of the world today
It's nice and sunny (just about) and dont forget to tell your friends and family that you love them, you'll be surprised just how many of them love you back !!

TED / DAISY

- group hugs now....x

 

[Sheila]

Can I just second that group hug please! Day by day folks, day by day!! Lotsaluv, She. XX